The Gaslighting Gaslighters Meme: When the Manipulators Accuse You of Manipulation
Monday, September 30, 2024.
In recent years, the term gaslighting has entered the mainstream lexicon as a way to describe psychological manipulation in relationships.
However, a newer and darker twist on this concept is emerging through the meme "Gaslighting Gaslighters"—where partners who accuse others of gaslighting are often guilty of gaslighting themselves.
This phenomenon exposes the complex and ironic dynamics of projection, emotional abuse, and narcissistic behavior.
In this post, we’ll delve into the psychology behind gaslighting, also exploring the subtle difference between "discarding" and "no contact," and provide actionable insights into how to navigate these toxic relationship dynamics.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where one person seeks to make another doubt their perceptions, memory, or reality. The term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a man manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind by altering the environment and denying the truth.
According to Robin Stern, Ph.D., in her book The Gaslight Effect (2007), gaslighting is insidious and often starts subtly, eroding the victim’s confidence in their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions over time.
Victims of gaslighting often experience anxiety, depression, and even Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) due to prolonged emotional abuse (Walker, 2013). The manipulation is gradual but devastating, leading to self-doubt and emotional dependence on the abuser.
Gaslighting the Gaslighter: The Role of Projection
One of the key psychological mechanisms behind gaslighting is projection. This is a defense mechanism where folks attribute their own unwanted traits or behaviors onto others.
Research by Baumeister, Dale, and Sommer (1998) explains that projection is commonly used by folks with narcissistic traits to avoid accountability for their own manipulative behaviors. Narcissists, in particular, are prone to accusing others of gaslighting or manipulation as a way to deflect from their own abusive actions.
In a study on narcissism and aggression, Bushman and Baumeister (1998) found that folks with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often exhibit "reactive projection."
This is where they accuse others of the same manipulative behaviors they themselves are engaging in. This form of projection can be incredibly confusing for the victim, who begins to question whether they are, in fact, the one gaslighting.
For example, a gaslighter might accuse their partner of lying, twisting facts, or emotionally manipulating them when, in reality, they are the ones engaging in these toxic behaviors. This tactic allows them to shift blame, avoid accountability, and maintain control of the relationship dynamic.
The Overuse of "Gaslighting" and Its Consequences
As the term "gaslighting" has gained popularity, it has also started to lose its original meaning.
It is now often used to describe any form of conflict, disagreement, or misunderstanding in a relationship. This dilution of the term can have real consequences, especially for those who are genuinely being manipulated.
Psychologist Robin Stern (2018) warns that overusing the term gaslighting trivializes the experiences of true victims and makes it harder for them to be believed when they seek help. In therapy, it is important to carefully distinguish between gaslighting and simple misunderstandings.
Mislabeling gaslighting can make it harder to address the real root of conflict, which could range from poor communication to more complex emotional issues.
Discarding vs. No Contact: Two Sides of Emotional Withdrawal
In emotionally abusive relationships, the terms discarding and no contact often arise, and understanding the difference between the two is crucial for both victims and survivors.
Discarding is a manipulative tactic used primarily by narcissists or partners with what we still call “Cluster B personality disorders”(American Psychiatric Association, 2013). It occurs when the narcissist suddenly and cruelly ends the relationship, leaving their partner confused, destabilized, and emotionally shattered.
This discard often happens after the narcissist has extracted all the emotional supply they can from their partner and no longer finds them useful (Behary, 2013). Discarding is not just a breakup—it is a calculated move which accepts the probability of inflicting maximum emotional damage upon the discarded.
On the other hand, no contact is a proactive strategy used by victims of emotional abuse to regain control of their lives and protect their mental health.
According to Pete Walker (2013), no contact involves cutting off all communication with the abuser, giving the victim space to heal from the emotional trauma inflicted by gaslighting and manipulation. Unlike discarding, which is an act of punishment, no contact is an act of self-preservation.
While both discarding and no contact involve a separation, their motivations are vastly different.
Discarding is an abusive tactic, while no contact is a recovery tool. Understanding this distinction is crucial for anyone navigating a toxic relationship dynamic.
Would it surprise you to learn that I’ve seen dozens of narcissists present their discarding decisions to me as “no contact?”
One of the dead give-aways is when they capriciously initiate contact with their exes for head-scratching reasons. Initialing any contact contradicts the purpose of no contact, and belies your sincerity.
Unless, of course, you’re a narcissist. Then you can contact you ex whenever you damn well feel like it, even after you’ve established “no contact.”
I know this move all too well.
Accountability in Relationships: The Path to Healing
Gaslighting and projection often lead to a breakdown in accountability within relationships.
When partners are locked in cycles of manipulation and blame, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner.
In some cases, therapy might play a vital role in helping partners recognize toxic behaviors, set boundaries, and work toward building a relationship based on trust and respect. Don’t hold your breath, but do assess your situation.
As Stern (2018) notes in The Gaslight Effect, healing from gaslighting requires both partners to acknowledge their roles in the dynamic and commit to taking responsibility for their actions. For those who suspect they are being gaslit, seeking professional help can offer clarity and provide tools to reclaim their reality.
Final thoughts
The meme "Gaslighting Gaslighters" shines a light on a disturbing reality—some partners who accuse others of gaslighting may, in fact, be engaging in this very behavior themselves. This dynamic is often fueled by projection, a defense mechanism commonly used by individuals with narcissistic traits to avoid accountability.
As the term gaslighting becomes more widely used, it’s important to safeguard its meaning and use it to describe genuine cases of emotional abuse. Additionally, understanding the difference between discarding and no contact is essential for victims of toxic relationships as they navigate the emotional minefield of manipulation and control.
For those caught in the web of gaslighting, accountability, clear communication, and setting healthy boundaries are the keys to recovery. Therapy can provide a space to explore these dynamics and offer a path toward healing.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Baumeister, R. F., Dale, K., & Sommer, K. L. (1998). Freudian defense mechanisms and empirical findings in modern social psychology: Reaction formation, projection, displacement, undoing, isolation, sublimation, and denial. Journal of Personality, 66(6), 1081-1124.
Behary, W. T. (2013). Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger Publications.
Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: Does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 219-229.
Sarkis, S. (2017). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony.
Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life(2nd ed.). Harmony.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. AZK Press.
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