Emotional Hoarding in Families
Monday, September 30, 2024.
We all know about physical hoarding—the piles of clutter, the inability to let go of things we no longer need. But what happens when that hoarding takes the form of emotions?
Enter emotional hoarding in families the accumulation of unresolved feelings, past grievances, and unspoken issues that pile up until they completely block healthy communication within a family.
Emotional hoarding is a sneaky disruptor of family relationships, leading to conflict, distance, and, often, a breakdown of trust and intimacy.
As a couples therapist, I’ve seen it play out many times, including in one family who stepped into my office: the Landers.
I’ ve written about emotional hoarding recently, but in this blog, we’ll unpack the concept of emotional hoarding, using the Landers family as our case study to explore its impact on neurodivergent and neurotypical family members alike.
Using research-backed insights, we'll also discuss how families can break the cycle and clear out their emotional clutter.
Meet the Landers: A Family Buried Under Emotional Clutter
The Landers family consists of James (the neurodivergent dad), Anna (the emotionally overwhelmed mom), and their two children, Sarah and Ethan. Over the years, their emotional communication has become increasingly strained.
While they’ve done a good job of maintaining the day-to-day routines of family life, beneath the surface lies a mountain of unresolved feelings—grievances, disappointments, and misunderstandings that no one is talking about.
James: A Neurodivergent Father with Emotional Clutter
James, who was diagnosed with ADHD in his 40s, has always struggled with focus, especially during emotional conversations.
His ADHD makes it difficult for him to process feelings in real time, and he often feels overwhelmed and shuts down when conflict arises.
Over the years, this emotional shutdown has been labeled by Anna as indifference, even laziness.
As a result, James feels misunderstood and increasingly defensive, leading him to emotionally retreat. His emotional clutter has piled up with years of frustration and unspoken feelings about how his neurodivergence has been perceived by his family.
Research shows that partners with ADHD, like James, often struggle with emotional regulation and may experience difficulty staying present during emotionally charged conversations (Barkley, 2015). This emotional disengagement, while often misunderstood as avoidance or apathy, is actually a key feature of ADHD and contributes to emotional hoarding.
Anna: The Emotional Caretaker Who’s Reached Her Limit
Anna, like many spouses of neurodivergent partners, has taken on the role of the emotional caretaker in the family. Anna does all of the heavy lifting.
She manages the emotional climate of the household, often putting her own needs on hold to make sure that James and the kids are okay.
However, this has come at a cost.
Anna’s way of emotionally hoarding is to suppress her frustrations and avoid conflict, but over time, these unspoken grievances have built up to the point where even small issues (like James forgetting to take out the trash) become huge arguments.
Anna’s experience is common among caretakers in relationships where one partner has ADHD.
Research suggests that emotional avoidance in relationships can lead to long-term negative outcomes, including heightened anxiety and depression (Gross & John, 2003). By bottling up her emotions, Anna has created an emotional stockpile that is now overwhelming her ability to cope.
Sarah and Ethan: The Children Living in an Emotional Storm
The emotional clutter in the Landers household doesn’t just affect the parents—it impacts the kids as well.
Sarah, a highly sensitive 15-year-old, feels like she has to keep the peace between her parents. Her way of hoarding emotions is by pushing aside her own needs to accommodate her family’s dynamics. She’s caught between her parents' unresolved emotional baggage, and it’s affecting her sense of identity and self-worth.
Ethan, on the other hand, mirrors his father’s neurodivergence and struggles with emotional regulation due to his ADHD.
Like James, he often acts impulsively when the emotional clutter at home becomes too overwhelming for him. Ethan's outbursts are his way of expressing emotions he doesn’t yet have the skills to process.
Studies show that children growing up in emotionally charged households often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as suppressing emotions or acting out, especially when they feel caught between conflicting family dynamics (Brown, 2021). Sarah and Ethan’s behaviors are a direct result of the emotional clutter they’ve inherited from their parents.
The Explosive Fight: When Emotional Clutter Piles Up
In one therapy session, the family hit a tipping point.
The trigger? James forgot to take out the trash.
What should have been a minor issue turned into an emotional explosion, with Anna unleashing years of pent-up frustration. She accused James of never being present, of constantly forgetting things, and of treating their relationship as an afterthought.
James, feeling attacked, defensively shot back, blaming Anna for not respecting his ADHD and for trying to control every aspect of their lives.
As their fight escalated, Sarah and Ethan were pulled into the fray.
Ethan stormed out, while Sarah tried to mediate, her voice trembling as she asked her parents to stop fighting.
But the fight wasn’t just about the trash—it was about years of emotional hoarding, of unresolved feelings that had been swept under the rug for far too long.
What Is Emotional Hoarding, Really?
Emotional hoarding is the result of avoiding difficult conversations and suppressing feelings over time. It’s the emotional equivalent of stacking boxes in the attic—you don’t want to deal with them now, so you shove them away.
But just like physical hoarding, emotional hoarding builds up, eventually leading to breakdowns in communication and intimacy.
Emotional hoarding can manifest as:
Avoidance of difficult conversations
Emotional shutdowns during conflict
Suppressing emotions to “keep the peace”
Blaming or projecting unaddressed feelings onto others
Emotional withdrawal and disengagement
Research on emotional regulation shows that suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away. Instead, they resurface later in more destructive ways, often leading to increased anxiety and tension within families (Gross & John, 2003).
This pattern of avoidance is especially common in families where one or more members are neurodivergent, as the added layer of emotional dysregulation can make it harder to confront difficult topics (Barkley, 2015).
Breaking the Cycle: Clearing Emotional Clutter in Therapy
So how do we help families like the Landers unpack their emotional hoarding?
The first step is acknowledging that it exists. In therapy, I work with families to identify the emotional piles that have been left unaddressed and start the process of unpacking them one by one.
For James, this means learning new strategies to stay engaged during emotional conversations.
Mindfulness techniques and structured communication tools help him manage his ADHD symptoms while staying present in the moment (Brown, 2021).
Anna, on the other hand, needs to work on expressing her emotions before they become too overwhelming. Using cognitive-behavioral techniques, we explore how she can confront issues as they arise, instead of letting them accumulate.
Sarah and Ethan also need tools to navigate the emotional clutter they’ve inherited. Sarah needs help setting boundaries, so she doesn’t feel responsible for her parents' emotional well-being. Ethan, with his own ADHD challenges, requires strategies to help him process emotions in real time, reducing his impulsive outbursts.
Moving Forward: A Family Ready to Clear the Clutter
Emotional hoarding doesn’t disappear overnight, but small, consistent changes can make a big difference.
If they keep addressing their emotional piles, the Landers family can begin to redefine their emotional connection, clearing out the clutter and making room for healthier communication and deeper intimacy.
As a couples therapist, I see the impact of emotional hoarding in many families.
Unpacking unresolved emotions and working through the emotional clutter can be hard, but satisfying work. Families can break free from old patterns and create new, healthier dynamics, if given the right tools.
If emotional hoarding is something you recognize in your own family, know that you’re not alone—and that there’s always a way to start clearing the clutter. I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.
Brown, T. E. (2021). ADHD and emotions: Interventions for emotional dysregulation in children and teens. New Harbinger.
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348-362.