The argument against Pronatalism…

Monday, October 16, 2023

The Pronatalism Paradox: Navigating Parenthood's Complex Terrain

As a couples therapist, I have had the privilege of guiding countless couples through the intricacies of their relationships. It’s hard work, but it’s deeply rewarding. I especially enjoy working with couples with little kiddos.

One topic that occasionally comes up from time to time, particularly with my younger couples is pronatalism, (although that specific term hardly ever comes up)—that is to say the societal, cultural, and psychological drive to encourage and glorify parenthood. Another phrase I use to describe pronatalism is kid-centrism.

Pronatalism, or (kid-centrism), is a multifaceted concept that encompasses a wide range of beliefs, personal and cultural values, and practices surrounding the idea of having children, and what to do with them afterward.

In this blog post, I’ll try to delve deeply into the essential ideas found in cultural pronatalism, explore its impact on couples, and offer strategies to navigate this complex terrain.

Understanding Pronatalism: The Societal and Cultural Lens

Pronatalism is deeply ingrained in our society and culture, influencing our perceptions of parenthood. It is essential to recognize that pronatalism is not a monolithic concept but a complex web of beliefs and practices.

There is also an economic component to kid-centrism. Privileged parents are used to being offered a plethora of choices, but in focusing to narrowly, can lose their moral compass, such as the recent college admission scandals suggested.

Pronatalism and Social Pressure

Pronatalism exerts a significant amount of social pressure on couples to conform to the traditional family structure, which often includes having children.

Guzzo and Hayford (2011) noted that social expectations related to parenthood can create stress and tension within couples, especially when they face challenges in conceiving, or experience extended family displeasure for choosing not to have children.

Pronatalism in Media and Advertising

The media often glorifies parenthood, portraying it as the ultimate fulfillment of life's purpose.

Advertisements frequently romanticize parenting, leading to unrealistic expectations about the joys and challenges of raising children (Lampard, 2015).

Cultural Variations in Pronatalism

Different cultures have varying degrees of pronatalism, with some societies placing a higher value on large families, while others prioritize individual pursuits (Jones, 2016). Couples from diverse cultural backgrounds may experience unique challenges related to pronatalism, as any meta-emotional mismatches would tend to flare up over such a seminal issue.

The Impact of Pronatalism on Couples

Understanding the impact of pronatalism on couples is crucial for therapists working with clients navigating the decision to have children. There is ample research by John Gottman, Howard Markman, and others that having children unleashes a host of predictable stressors that can be alieviated by good couples therapy.

Relationship Satisfaction

Pronatalist pressures can strain relationships, leading to decreased satisfaction if couples feel coerced into parenthood (Doss et al., 2019). A good couples therapist can help couples identify their own individual desires, aspirations, and priorities regarding children, distinct from external societal societal expectations.

We live in an age where external societal expectations have been successfully eluded by many of us.

Fertility Struggles

Researchers find that couples experiencing fertility issues may feel heightened pressure and emotional distress due to societal expectations (Gameiro et al., 2016). I worked with many couples navigating IVF. Therapists play a critical role in providing emotional support and guiding couples through fertility treatments, or discussing alternative paths to parenthood.

Decision-Making

Pronatalism can create tension when couples have differing desires regarding parenthood (Peterson et al., 2019).

I use science-based Couples therapy to facilitate open and empathetic communication. Hopefully I can help you navigate this challenging decision-making process.

Challenging Pronatalism: Navigating Parenthood Mindfully

While pronatalism exerts a powerful influence, couples can navigate parenthood mindfully by critically examining their desires, motivations, and the societal pressures at play. There’s a lot to sort out, and not being on the same page on the idea of children can become a major source of conflict.

Self-Reflection

Couples should engage in self-reflection to understand their motivations for wanting or not wanting children. Too often, I’ve seen clients assume that they can change their partner’s mind. Hope is not a method for these sort of intimate decisions. I try to help guide this process by asking probing questions and encouraging honest discussions.

Open Communication

Effective communication is key. Couples should openly discuss their desires, fears, and expectations regarding parenthood. You gotta put the whole mess of ambivalent feelings on the table.

Being on the opposite side on the notion of having children is not where you want to find yourself in a committed relationship.

I can provide tools and techniques to improve your communication skills.

Setting Realistic Expectations

Couples must acknowledge that parenthood is not a one-size-fits-all experience. I can can help you set realistic expectations and plan for the challenges of parenting.

Coping with Pronatalist Pressure

Another thing. Couples will need to develop strategies for coping with external pressures and judgment from others. The decision to bring new life into the world should be closely held. Therapists can provide support and coping mechanisms to help couples stay true to their decisions, and their values.

Alternative Paths to Fulfillment

Some will argue that the emphasis on the continuation of human civilization can lead to an overemphasis on quantity over quality. They point out that a growing population can strain resources, lead to overpopulation, and exacerbate environmental problems. Additionally, they question whether procreation is the only means of preserving cultural and societal values.

It's important to remember that the current cultural belief is that parenthood is just one path to a fulfilling life. It is a widespread belief that humans can find meaning and purpose in various ways, whether they choose to have children or not.

While parenting can be fulfilling for many, skeptics highlight that it is not the only source of personal fulfillment.

Some humans may find meaning and happiness in various other pursuits, such as careers, creative endeavors, or contributing to the well-being of society. Thus, the argument for personal fulfillment through parenting may be too narrow.

Another prevalent cultural belief is that empowering therapy process should always be on the side of increasing human choice and agency. Believe it or not, that hasn’t always been the case, such as in the case of paradox.

Child-Free Couples

Pronatalism will become more top-of-mind in the culture, because we will be hearing more and more that we are, for the most part, running out of babies.

By 2050, to pick a year, we may be living in a world in which child-free couples may need to be encouraged and supported in their decision because of prejudicial social judgement.

Although a good therapist can help you explore and pursue other avenues for fulfillment, such as career, travel, hobbies, or philanthropy. Gottman’s research clearly underscores how serious a difference around the notion of having children can be.

We’re familiar with the inter-personal aspects as they currently manifest, but in a few decades, we’ll be dealing with prodigious social pressures. Notice how the issue of population collapse starts appearing in the media.

Adoption and Foster Parenting

Couples who desire parenthood but face fertility challenges can explore alternative options like adoption or foster parenting. I can offer guidance and resources to help couples navigate these processes.

Parenthood as a Choice

Couples should be empowered to see parenthood as a choice rather than an obligation. That might become more increasingly harder to do if global cultures assume a harder pronatalist stance), which I strongly believe will happen sometime in the next decade). A good therapist can assist couples in embracing their decision and finding joy in their chosen path.

Final thoughts on cultural pronatalism

Navigating the complex terrain of pronatalism is a journey that requires self-awareness, open communication, and resilience.

Couples therapists play a vital role in helping clients make informed decisions about parenthood while navigating the societal pressures and expectations that often accompany it.

By promoting self-reflection, encouraging honest communication, and offering support, therapists can empower couples to lead fulfilling lives, whether they choose to embrace parenthood, or do a deeper exploration to alternative paths to happiness without kiddos.

Personal Choice

Parenthood is a deeply personal choice, and every individual and couple should be free to make that decision based on their own desires, values, and circumstances. Cultural expectations be damned. We’re long past the era of consigning women to breeding, aren’t we? Or do we have a trans-personal responsibility to contribute our DNA to the human experiment?

We live in an age of unfettered opportunities…

We have agency, because we live in an age of pure, unrelenting solipsism. For the first time in human history, we are utterly free of the fetters of biological determinism, and pretty much everything else.

Humans Suck

There are those who engage in wholesale loathing of the human experiment, and would suggest that we plan our own extinction. Clients might bring these ideas into the therapy room. It’s not the therapist’s role to seek to persuade otherwise, or engage in a pointless philosophical debate, no matter how much a fan of man you might be.

They’ll argue that having children is overly optimistic and ignores the reality of suffering and hardship that individuals may experience in life. These doomers will also point out that there is no guarantee that a child will lead a happy life, and bringing a new life into existence entails the risk of subjecting that individual to potential suffering and adversity. In other words, snowflake logic.

The prevalent cultural belief is that while having kids is an amusing notion, we are the Champions of the World. We don’t have to do anything.

In the end, the essential argument against pronatalism is the struggle to resist familial and societal expectations, but finding a path that brings genuine happiness and fulfillment to our relationships and our lives…no matter what.

But in a world fast running out of children…who should step up?

What do you think?

In my next post, I will lay out case for pronatalism.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Doss BD, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2009 Mar;96(3):601-619. doi: 10.1037/a0013969. PMID: 19254107; PMCID: PMC2702669.

Guzzo, K.B. and Hayford, S.R. (2020), Pathways to Parenthood in Social and Family Contexts: Decade in Review, 2020. J. Marriage Fam, 82: 117-144. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12618

Sofia Gameiro, Amy Finnigan, Long-term adjustment to unmet parenthood goals following ART: a systematic review and meta-analysis, Human Reproduction Update, Volume 23, Issue 3, May-June 2017, Pages 322–337, https://doi.org/10.1093/humupd/dmx001