The one thing you must know about supporting and validating your spouse…

September 6, 2023.

File this under we knew that already. Are you trying to offer support and validation to your partner? Validating your partner’s feelings is the “best practice” for offering support.

Here’s the one thing you must know…words matter. Remember to be accepting of emotion, not rejecting.

• Attempts to support your partner that are phrased in such a way that they constrain emotional expression can magnify stress, rather than soothe it.

• Validating your partner’s emotions is the best way to offer support when they are stressed out.

I can understand why you’re upset…

Understanding is not agreement. But humans, nevertheless crave to be understood. For example, saying “Honey, I can understand why you are upset,” is an appropriate, validating response. It might even be a solid repair attempt.

The best, most soothing responses are accepting of your partner’s feelings.

The worst responses are emotionally constipated. Saying “Just don’t think about it,” or “you’re never gonna let this go, are you? or “why are you bringing that up now?

None of these responses will soothe, because they are antagonistic to their partner’s feelings coming out of the gate. The worst phrases to use are critical of your spouse’s feelings.

Other examples of supportive messages that are effective include:

• “I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I love you, and I’m on your side. I’m concerned about you, and how you must be feeling right now.”

• “I get that you’re stressed out right now. Because this is an issue you really care about.

Words can heal or wound…

Attempts to support others that are phrased in the wrong way can increase stress rather than decrease it, psychologists have found.

Ms. Xi Tian, the study’s first author, explains:

“One recommendation is for people to avoid using language that conveys control or uses arguments without sound justification.

For example, instead of telling a distressed person how to feel, like ‘don’t take it so hard’ or ‘don’t think about it,’ you could encourage them to talk about their thoughts or feelings so that person can come to their own conclusions about how to change their feelings or behaviors.”

How the study was conducted

The researchers recruited nearly 500 married adults (478) who had recently experienced an argument with their partner.

They then looked at a series of six potentially supportive messages and imagined how they would react to them.

The messages varied in how ‘person-centered’ they were written.

In other words, some messages supported and validated their feelings, others did not.

For example, here is an emotionally invalidating message:

• “Nobody is worth getting so worked up about. Stop being so depressed.”

The research clearly indicated that invalidating responses like this failed to soothe their partner..

Ms. Tian expanded:

“In fact, those messages were perceived as dominating and lacking argument strength.

Those messages induced more resistance to social support, such that the participants reported feeling angry after receiving the message.

They also reported actually criticizing the message while reading it.”

In comparison, messages that focused on the partner were more soothing, and invited them to feel better.

Professor Denise Solomon, study co-author, said:

“Another recommendation that can be taken from this research is that people may want to use moderately to highly person-centered messages when helping others cope with everyday stressors.”

Words are magic

There is a power in kindness. When we lean in, notice, and gently validate, we are speaking directly to our partner’s nervous system. Validation is not agreement, but we can agree that validation is soothingly appropriate.

Challenging the suitability of your partner’s feelings is a reliable way to keep them feeling stressed and unsupported.

Be well, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Xi Tian and others, How the Comforting Process Fails: Psychological Reactance to Support Messages, Journal of Communication, Volume 70, Issue 1, February 2020, Pages 13–34, https://doi.org/10.1093/joc/jqz040

The study was published in the Journal of Communication (Tian et al., 2020).