Ideal self vs. Real self?… who do you trust?

September 5, 2023. The final heat wave of a fading Berkshires summer…

Doesn’t matter if you’re a coach, social worker, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It doesn’t matter if you’re some sort of other helping professional. It doesn’t matter if you’re a parent, either.

I’m here to ask you to refrain from using a popular approach to inter-personal issues.

Please refrain from relying on problem-solving approaches based on the real self and familiar, real world expectations.

• New knowledge from neuroscience tells us that elaborating on a human’s “ideal self” is more effective in achieving lasting change than any musings about their “real self.”

• However, when humans focus on their real selves and the current challenges, that’s a reliable pathway to self-loathing and defensiveness. They are experiencing, at that moment, a flood of negative thoughts which create defensiveness and self-criticism. These states tend to fuse into a daunting roadblock to change.

• This is why a problem-solving focus on the real self can be unwise and ineffective.

• The research compared and contrasted 2 discreetly different approaches to coaching that have universal applicability to all kinds of careers, said Professor Richard Boyatzis, study co-author:

“This work applies to all helping roles and professionals, from therapists, physicians, nurses, clerics, managers, teachers, faculty, social workers, dental professionals, and, yes, even parents.”

How the study was conducted

The study involved nearly 50 students whose brains were scanned while they thought about both their ideal and their real selves. They were also given coaching sessions that either focused on their ideal or their authentic, current selves.

For example, in the ideal self mind set, the coach asked:

“If everything worked out ideally in your life, what would you be doing in 10 years?”

But, in the real self mind set, the coach asked:

“What challenges have you encountered or do you expect to encounter in your experience here?”

• The brain scans revealed that the two ways of thinking about the “self” in question elicited a conflict in the brain.

• When people think about their real self it blocks wider, more creative thoughts about the ideal self.

Focusing on the real self renders humans negative and resistant to change….

Unfortunately, that is what many coaches and other helpers tend to do, said Dr. Angela Passarelli, study co-author. Dr. Passarelli is the director of research at the institute of coaching::

“Many who seek to help, conflate helping with fixing problems.

This research demonstrates that when we begin helping interactions by doubling down on someone’s immediate problems, we inadvertently constrain their ability to see future possibilities — and this undermines the very intention of helping.”

Imagination and motivation

In contrast, thinking about the ideal self opens up the imagination and kindles motivation.

Professor Anthony Jack, the study’s first author, said:

“Many think the best way to get others — and themselves — to change is to use some combination of carrot and stick, for instance by sandwiching a criticism with compliments.

These findings show why it works better to get the individual to focus first and foremost on their dreams and aspirations for the future.”

After developing a clear vision of an ideal self, it is easier for humans to avoid denial and resistance to change.

Professor Jack continued:

“Many managers overestimate the importance of telling their employees about their strengths and weaknesses.

The real trick is to help someone get to a place where they are actively seeking feedback for themselves.

Companies, coaches and managers who want people to change must hold their tongue about what they think needs fixing.

Instead, they must put their faith in the individual’s intrinsic desire to grow and allow them to direct their own development process.

Otherwise, they are likely to hit a wall of psychological resistance.”

This is why appproaches such as motivational Interviewing can be so powerful. If we believe in each others better angels, we hasten their arrival.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Jack Anthony Ian, Passarelli Angela M., Boyatzis Richard Eleftherios When fixing problems kills personal development: fMRI reveals conflict between Real and Ideal selves Frontiers in Human Neuroscience VOLUME=17 YEAR=2023 URL=https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2023.1128209

DOI=10.3389/fnhum.2023.1128209 ISSN=1662-5161