Stages of a Dying Marriage: recognizing the signs and taking action

Wednesday, August 7, 2024.

Marriage, often heralded as the pinnacle of romantic commitment, can undergo a series of challenges that, if left unchecked, can lead to its decline.

Recognizing the stages of a dying marriage is crucial for both partners to address issues early and take necessary steps to potentially salvage the relationship.

This comprehensive blog post explores these stages in depth, supported by social science research and practical insights.

• Disillusionment and Disappointment

The journey of a dying marriage often begins with a stage of disillusionment and disappointment. This phase typically follows the honeymoon period, where the initial euphoria and idealization give way to a more realistic view of the relationship. Partners start to see each other's flaws and imperfections more clearly, leading to a sense of disenchantment.

During this stage, the gap between expectations and reality becomes increasingly evident. Partners may feel let down as their dreams of a perfect union are replaced by the everyday challenges of married life. The emotional high that characterized the early days of the relationship fades, and the routine of daily life can magnify perceived shortcomings and unmet needs.

Huston et al. (2001) conducted a longitudinal study highlighting how couples who enter marriage with unrealistic expectations are more susceptible to early disillusionment. The study found that these couples often struggle with adapting to the realistic demands of marriage, leading to increased dissatisfaction and conflict.

• Decreased Communication

Following the stage of disillusionment, couples often experience a significant decline in communication. This stage is characterized by a reduction in meaningful conversations and an increase in misunderstandings. Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage, and its breakdown can signal deeper issues within the relationship.

During this phase, couples may find themselves engaging in more superficial or transactional conversations, avoiding deeper emotional topics. Conflicts may arise more frequently, and partners might avoid discussing sensitive issues to prevent arguments. This avoidance, however, only leads to a build-up of unresolved tensions and resentments.

Gottman and Levenson (2000) identified communication breakdown as a critical predictor of marital dissolution. Their research emphasized that couples who engage in negative communication patterns, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, are more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction and eventual separation.

• Emotional Withdrawal

As communication deteriorates, emotional withdrawal often follows. In this stage, partners begin to detach emotionally from one another. This withdrawal can manifest as a lack of intimacy, affection, and emotional support.

Emotional withdrawal can create a sense of loneliness and isolation within the marriage. Partners may feel unsupported and unvalued, leading to further emotional distancing. The lack of emotional connection can also affect physical intimacy, as emotional closeness is often linked to physical affection.

The Emotional Security Hypothesis, as discussed by Davies and Cummings (1994), suggests that emotional withdrawal can be a coping mechanism in response to marital conflict. This withdrawal, however, undermines the emotional security necessary for a stable and satisfying relationship, creating a cycle of increasing detachment and dissatisfaction.

• Increased Conflict and Tension

Emotional withdrawal often leads to increased conflict and tension within the marriage. As partners become more distant, unresolved issues and resentments come to the forefront, resulting in more frequent and intense arguments.

During this stage, conflicts may escalate quickly and become more personal and hurtful. Partners may struggle to resolve disagreements constructively, leading to a pattern of ongoing conflict that further erodes the relationship's foundation. The presence of persistent and unresolved conflicts can make the marriage feel like a battleground rather than a partnership.

Johnson and Lebow (2000) emphasized that unresolved conflicts and chronic tension are significant predictors of marital distress. Their research highlights the importance of conflict resolution skills and the detrimental impact of prolonged conflict on marital stability and satisfaction.

• Loss of Mutual Respect

As conflicts become more frequent and intense, couples may experience a loss of mutual respect. This stage is marked by increasing contempt and negative perceptions of one another. The erosion of respect can be one of the most damaging aspects of a dying marriage.

Partners may engage in more negative behaviors such as belittling, sarcasm, and contemptuous remarks when mutual respect diminishes. This toxic dynamic can create a hostile environment where positive interactions are overshadowed by negativity. The loss of respect can also lead to questioning the value and worth of the relationship itself.

Gottman's research on the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" identifies contempt as one of the most destructive elements in a marriage (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Contempt, characterized by sarcasm, cynicism, and mocking, significantly increases the likelihood of divorce and is a clear indicator of a deeply troubled marriage.

• Physical and Emotional Separation

The final stage of a dying marriage often involves physical and emotional separation. This stage represents the culmination of the preceding stages, where partners may decide to live separately or emotionally detach completely, even if they continue to cohabit.

Physical separation can involve moving out of the shared home, while emotional separation can mean leading parallel lives with little to no interaction. This stage often includes discussions about legal separation or divorce as partners recognize the irreparable state of their relationship. Emotional separation can be especially painful, as it signifies the end of the emotional bond that once held the marriage together.

According to research by Amato and Previti (2003), the decision to divorce is often preceded by a prolonged period of emotional and physical separation. Their study found that many couples go through a period of living apart emotionally before making the final decision to legally separate.

Taking Action: Steps to save a dying marriage

While recognizing the stages of a dying marriage is essential, taking action to address these issues is equally crucial. Here are some steps couples can take to potentially save their marriage:

Seek out a Science-based Couples Therapist: Marriage counseling or therapy can provide a safe space to address issues and improve communication.

Rebuild Communication: If you choose couples therapy as an option, you’ll probably be asked to make a conscious effort to engage in meaningful conversations and actively listen to each other.

Restore Emotional Connection: You’ll also want to re-learn how to spend quality time together and express appreciation and affection regularly.

Resolve Conflicts Constructively: A good couples therapist will help you to acquire and practice healthy conflict resolution skills to manage disagreements effectively.

Reestablish Mutual Respect: I always make a point to focus on rebuilding respect by recognizing and valuing each partner’s strengths and contributions.

A meta-analysis by Shadish and Baldwin (2003) found that couples therapy is effective in improving relationship satisfaction and reducing marital distress. The study highlights the importance of seeking professional help to navigate the complexities of marital issues.

Final thoughts

Understanding the stages of a dying marriage can help couples recognize the warning signs early and take proactive steps to address their issues.

It’s helpful to speak frankly about disillusionment without blaming or shaming.

Science-based couples therapy would focus on improving communication, reconnecting emotionally, managing conflicts, and rebuilding respect. Divorce is disruptive and expensive, For many couples, the preferred option is to work towards revitalizing their relationship.

Remember, seeking professional help is a valuable step in this journey, providing the tools and guidance needed to navigate the challenges you are presented with. Please consider reaching out to me. I’d be happy to help you interrupt and reverse the stages of a dying marriage.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602-626.

Davies, P. T., & Cummings, E. M. (1994). Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 387-411.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Huston, T. L., Caughlin, J. P., Houts, R. M., Smith, S. E., & George, L. J. (2001). The connubial crucible: Newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(2), 237-252.

Johnson, S. M., & Lebow, J. (2000). The "coming of age" of couple therapy: A decade review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 26(1), 23-38.

Shadish, W. R., & Baldwin, S. A. (2003). Meta-analysis of marital and family therapy outcomes. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(4), 547-570.