Why narcissists struggle to keep friends (Hint: it’s not just about ego)

Thursday, July 4, 2024. Written at my favorite summer spot, Old Jelly Mills Falls in Dummerston Vermont.

Narcissists often make friends quickly, but keeping them? That's a different story. They lack emotional intelligence, a critical quality for long-term friendship.

But how do first impressions become lasting bonds?

At first glance, narcissists are incredibly attractive to others.

Their self-assurance and showmanship draw people in like moths to a flame. But once the initial charm wears off, sustaining those friendships becomes a challenge. Why? Because emotional intelligence, not just charisma, is key to long-lasting relationships.

The secret sauce: emotional intelligence

Research shows that qualities like empathy, emotional control, and a genuine investment in relationships are what lead to better friendships in the long run. The study’s authors note:

“…the combination most beneficial for long-term peer popularity is low narcissism paired with high EI [emotional intelligence]."

Imagine a quieter and less needy ego paired with the ability to perceive, understand, use, and manage emotions. This combination ensures better relationships over time. It's like having a superpower, but instead of x-ray vision, you have x-ray emotional insight.

The Study Breakdown

In the study, first-year college students' narcissistic tendencies and emotional intelligence were measured. They were then followed for three months to observe how their popularity ebbed and flowed.

The Results: Who Keeps Friends?

• Low Narcissism + High Emotional Intelligence: This combo is the gold standard for lasting friendships.

• High Narcissism + High Emotional Intelligence: A small fraction of the study subjects, but they do attract friends quickly and do tend to keep them.

• Low in Both Qualities: These folks struggled the most in making and keeping friends.

• Average in Both Qualities: Most people fell into this category and did reasonably well in making friends.

The long-term benefits of emotional intelligence were abundantly clear. As the study’s authors explain:

“There was a positive effect of EI over time suggesting that revealing emotional skills needs time, as chances for regulating affect or understanding peers’ feelings appear only in specific social interactions.

Hence, emotionally intelligent people find more friends with time than their emotionally unintelligent counterparts.”

Why emotional intelligence matters

Emotionally intelligent folks possess high communal qualities, which are noticed and appreciated by their social surroundings over time. It's not just about being nice; it's about understanding and managing emotions to foster deeper connections.

Questions to Ponder

• How can we cultivate emotional intelligence to build stronger, lasting relationships?

• Are there ways to balance a healthy level of self-assurance without tipping into narcissism?

• How might our social interactions change over time if we prioritized emotional intelligence from the start?

The research is promising because understanding the nuances of friendship dynamics can help us navigate our social lives more effectively.

So, the next time you meet someone dazzling you with their charm, remember to look for signs of emotional intelligence – it might be the key to a lasting connection.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Czarna, A. Z., Leifeld, P., Śmieja, M., Dufner, M., & Salovey, P. (2016). Do Narcissism and Emotional Intelligence Win Us Friends? Modeling Dynamics of Peer Popularity Using Inferential Network Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167216666265