Sinatra & the Stoics do Group Therapy…
Monday, December 11, 2023. This one is for Junta, who would probably know…
How to feel mastery and satisfaction with life — even when, as the Stoics often remind us, it’s often out of your control…
We all want to exert control over our lives, and when we do, that control feels really, really good...
But life can, and does sometimes, spin out of control.
No matter how hard we fu*king try, some things are just too damn hard to change…
Research finds that the Stoics, and Sinatra were right! Accepting and adapting to circumstances that can not be changed is linked to fewer negative emotions.
Behavioral scientist, Dr. Erik G. Helzer, one of the study’s authors, said:
“Think of the old Frank Sinatra song, ‘My Way.’ A man is looking back on his life, and he generally feels satisfaction with how things turned out, but it wasn’t all happiness.
That’s a richer notion of what it means to live a good, full life.
It’s an attitude that doesn’t downplay the negative experiences of life, and yet it allows for a different kind of engagement with life so that reappraisal and learning can occur and lead to greater satisfaction.”
Primary vs. Secondary Control
The study tested the effects of two different types of control on our felt emotions.
Primary Control is all about controlling and creating your destiny, while Secondary Control refers more to accepting things that can’t be changed.
Dr. Helzer elaborated:
“… secondary control is about being able to fit one’s experiences into a broader narrative of life.
Gaining mastery of your life and feeling satisfaction shouldn’t be the domain exclusively of primary control.
The idea of gaining mastery over your circumstances without having to conquer them is an important one.
That’s one thing we wanted to get across in this paper, that secondary control shouldn’t be viewed as a passive, second-best, last-resort strategy, as it is in the previous literature.”
How the study was conducted
In a survey of over 500 people, the researchers found that both primary and secondary control were linked to positive emotions.
Only primary control, though, was linked to negative emotions.
This is presumably because trying to fight things that can’t be changed is often worse than accepting them.
Dr. Helzer said:
“You don’t have control over a lot of situations, at work or elsewhere in your life.
But you do have control over your response to it, over the meaning you assign to the event.
Sometimes you have to give up on the idea that ‘I just want to show that I’m right.’
It’s important to note that secondary control can be just as active and beneficial a method as primary control.”
Very interesting… What do you think?
And now the end is here
And so I face that final curtain
My friend I'll make it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more
I did it, I did it my way
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
I saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much, much more
I did it, I did it my way
Yes, there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself then he has naught
To say the things that he truly feels
And not the words of someone who kneels
The record shows I took all the blows and did it my way
Lyrics by Paul Anka (I have no idea if it is true, but I was told with confidence that David Bowie was utterly captivated by the French melody that eventually became the iconic classic by Sinatra, and even took a crack at writing English lyrics for it.
Allegedly, Bowie’s song “Is there Life on Mars?” was influenced by his fascination with the “My Way” chord structure and melody, or so I was told...LOL
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Helzer, E. G., & Jayawickreme, E. (2015). Control and the “Good Life”: Primary and Secondary Control as Distinct Indicators of Well-Being. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(6), 653-660. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615576210
