5 Signs her emotional affair is far from over…
July 22, 2023. I’m working with a neurodiverse creative and her equally neurodiverse husband. Elsa has become unusually close to one of her team members at work, and as a result, she’s struggling to set boundaries. Elsa makes commitments to Nigel, but backslides.
Elsa is conflict avoidant, and she has mused openly about polyamory. She has also been historically reluctant to complain to her husband Nigel about her intensifying feelings of loneliness and resentment.( Elsa and Nigel are not their real names, of course).
One of the problems with emotional Infidelity is that these circumstances often lack clarity. Sexual infidelity is painfully obvious as a relationship transgression, given that it involves unambiguous sexual behavior. Emotional affairs are often much more nuanced and complex.
Emotional affairs are an existential dilemma of emotional resource allocation for the neurodiverse…..
On the the hand, committed relationships are fu*king tough. They require persistent effort. Workplaces have been an unhealthy source of deep emotional connections outside of marriage, which sometimes lead to emotional affairs.
These emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical affairs, causing profound distress and disconnection within a marriage. That’s what happened to Elsa and Nigel.
Recognizing the signs of an ongoing emotional affair is essential for a husband to address the issue, and find a path to sort out the truth of what is going on. Workplace emotional affairs are a growing challenge for women as well as men.
Healing and rebuilding trust are optional, but advisable when your wife is hiding an emotional affair. Especially if you have kids. Elsa and Nigel have 2 kids, and they are starting to smell the tension, especially Phoenix, their 15 year old.
How will an unfolding, continuing emotional affair, mutate into an untenable heartbreaking situation?
Answer? One enticing smile at a time...
Emotional distance
One of the most noticeable signs of an ongoing emotional affair is emotional distance within the marriage. Your wife may seem more reserved or preoccupied with her thoughts, leading to reduced intimacy and communication in your relationship.
A study conducted by Knopp and Ritchie in 2017 (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy) emphasized that emotional distance is a crucial foundation of an emotional affair, often leading to feelings of neglect and loneliness for the other partner.
Deception & secrecy
If your wife is involved in an emotional affair, she may become secretive about her phone, messages, or social media interactions. There might be a noticeable shift in her behavior when discussing certain topics or individuals, as she attempts to conceal the emotional connection with someone else.
According to research by Glass and Wright in 2020 (Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy), secrecy and deception are common characteristics of emotional affairs and can severely erode trust in the marriage.
An increasingly defensiveness stance
A wife surreptitiously involved in an ongoing emotional affair may become excessively defensive when questioned about her behavior or activities.
She may deny or downplay any concerns raised by her husband, becoming increasingly annoyed, dismissive, or irritated.
Research by Johnson and Anderson in 2018 (Journal of Family Psychology) highlights the role defensiveness plays as a potential indication of unresolved emotional issues in a relationship, which could be linked to an ongoing emotional affair on the down low..
Unexplained intimacy disruptions
Emotional affairs can disrupt intimacy within a marriage. If your wife seems disinterested or avoids physical and emotional closeness, it could be an indication of her growing emotional connection with someone else. Elsa and Nigel are in their early thirties, and they have not been intimate for 7 months and counting…
Adams and Nelson in 2015 (Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy) pointed out that intimacy disruptions can arise from emotional infidelity, leading to feelings of rejection and inadequacy in the betrayed partner.
Erosion of trust
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If trust is eroding or has already been broken due to an emotional affair, it can be challenging to rebuild. Couples therapy can play a vital role in rebuilding trust by providing a safe and supportive environment to address the underlying issues. Elsa and Nigel’s conflict avoidant dynamic has been an aggravating factor in their emotional infidelity issue.
Important work by David Moultrup (1990) emphasizes the importance of open communication and vulnerability in rebuilding trust after infidelity.
How science-based couples therapy can help:
Science-based Couples therapy can provide a structured and impartial space for both spouses to vent their pain, and convey their feelings and concerns.
Evidence-based interventions can guide couples through the healing process, helping them rebuild emotional connections and reestablish trust, if that is their clean-hearted intention.
I can help with that.
Facilitating Communication: My approach encourages open and honest communication between partners, enabling them to express their emotions, fears, and needs in a constructive manner. This can lead to a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives and pave the way for a more workable resolution.
Addressing Underlying Issues: Good couples therapy can help identify and address underlying enduring vulnerabilities which may have contributed to the emotional affair.
A talented couples therapist can help you explore the reasons behind the affair. Then you might work together to find solutions and implement healthier coping strategies for this difficult time.
If Desirable, Trust Can Be Rebuilt with Time, Commitment, and Effort. Couples therapy provides a structured environment to discuss the breach of trust and develop strategies for rebuilding it. This process may involve setting new boundaries, increasing transparency, and showing genuine remorse.
But Motivation and a Clean Heart Are Essential. Couples can be curious instead of furious and ask… what happened to us?
Enhancing Emotional Intimacy. Couples therapy focuses on enhancing emotional intimacy, which is crucial for healing after an emotional affair. By learning once more, how to be vulnerable and emotionally available to one another, partners can perhaps rebuild and strengthen their connection to create a corrective emotional experience, and a more fulfilling relationship.
Final thoughts…
Recognizing the signs of an ongoing emotional affair is the first step towards addressing and resolving the issue. But here’s the rub…all you’re seeing are “signs.” but “signs” are symptoms, not proof.
If you wife is struggling with an emotional entanglement at work. It’s easy, at the slightest sign, to strongly suspect something is amiss. If that happens, please share your concern openly, as Nigel did.
Good couples therapy is a valuable platform for you to heal and rebuild your relationship after the turmoil of an emotional affair.
By seeking professional help and working together, you can both can navigate the challenges and emerge stronger and more connected than before.
Remember, rebuilding trust and emotional intimacy takes time and effort, but with commitment and support, healing is possible. Better times are coming, but they may not be coming soon.
Elsa and Nigel have a great deal of baggage to unpack.
If you’ve also exploring how to stay together, you’ve got some important work to do. I can help you with that.
Be well, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Abbasi IS, Alghamdi NG. Polarized Couples in Therapy: Recognizing Indifference as the Opposite of Love. J Sex Marital Ther. 2017 Jan 2;43(1):40-48. doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2015.1113596. Epub 2015 Dec 18. PMID: 26684280.
Glass & Wright 'Sex differences in type of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction Journal Sex Roles Publisher Springer Netherlands ISSN 0360-0025 (Print) 1573-2762 (Online) Issue Volume 12, Numbers 9-10 / May, 1985
Johnson, M. D., Horne, R. M., Hardy, N. R., & Anderson, J. R. (2018). Temporality of couple conflict and relationship perceptions. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 445–455. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000398
Knopp K, Scott S, Ritchie L, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ, Stanley SM. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017 Nov;46(8):2301-2311. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1. Epub 2017 Aug 7. PMID: 28785917; PMCID: PMC5709195.
Moultrup, David Husbands, Wives & Lovers: The Emotional System of the Extramarital Affair New York: Guilford Press 1990. Moultrup also contributed to 'The Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity' with editors Piercy, FP; Hertlein, KM and Wetchler, JL. Haworth.
Rokach A, Chan SH. Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023 Feb 22;20(5):3904. doi: 10.3390/ijerph20053904. PMID: 36900915; PMCID: PMC10002055.
Shackelford, T. K., LeBlanc, G. J., & Drass, E. (2000). Emotional reactions to infidelity. Cognition & Emotion, 14(5), 643-659.
