4 Ways to screw up saying “I understand”

Saturday, July 22, 2023.

July 22, 2023. Now that I’ve finished it.. I think this is for M & B.

It’s a common dilemma that when couples strive to use the language of understanding…bad things sometimes happen.

The problem is there are predictable patterns in how you can screw up your best effort.

Dr. Howard Markman has probably worked with thousands of couples.

Here are 4 ways, he says, we sometimes completely fu*k up in our efforts to say… “I understand.”

4 Common ways humans screw up saying “I understand” to their partner

• Listener only says: “I Understand What You are Saying.” This was my personal favorite. I used to serve it up like cold fish, and I don’t mean sushi. Brevity is not the soul of anything here. Your partner needs more than a handful of syllables.

  What To Do Instead: Hold eye contact. Ask intelligent questions. Listen. Nod meaningfully and validate your partner when appropriate. Summarize their position as carefully as they would.

• Listener Recites Back Exactly What the Speaker Just Said as If They Were an AI Entity. A faithful recitation in this setting might indicate the misapplication of lessons “learned” in couples therapy.

  What To Do Instead: Gottman points out the utility of paraphrasing your partner’s narrative, validating their thoughts, feelings, and, perhaps most important from Markman’s perspective…their fundamentally good intentions.

• Listener Apologizes For “Making” Their Partner Feel Bad. With all the wisdom a 19 year old could muster, this was my go-to move in my first marriage. I reasoned that my best move was to profer an all-purpose, blanket apology for every sniffle of detectable discontent… my primitive nervous system would hyperventilate on the question “could we then please fu*king move to to some other topic than my conspicuous deficits?”

  “I mean I apologized already.. can we please move on?” This is a classic passive aggressive move.

  Notice that the emphasis is on the listener, not the hurt feelings of the speaker. That is the fu*king hallmark of passive aggression. Wives despise that sh*t. Keep this up at your own peril.

  What To Do Instead: Focus on their feelings first. This ain’t about you, kiddo. The more brittle and defensive you are, the longer this misery will persist. Hear them out.

  Try not to see their irritation as a campfire to be smothered by the blanket of your overworked apology.

  I wanted to learn all the secrets from the edge of a knife

  From the point of a needle, from a diamond

  From a bullet in flight

  I would be free then... Suzanne Vega

  Beware of the tyranny of the weak…

  This is the what is sometimes called the “tyranny of the weak.”

  I’ve used this excuse when I did not wish to acknowledge my trauma issues with a clean heart. And I see the same problematic pattern in some of my traumatized clients.

  Theirs is an emotional bank account which records all of our defensive predations. As the years roll by, your partner will continue to feel frustrated, burned out, and lonely.

  “I’m so disappointed that you forgot about date night this week”

  “DATE NIGHT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FU*KING PRESSURE I’M UNDER IF THE SCHREIBER DEAL DOESN’T CLOSE?”

  The pitfall here is that the listener pulls a reversal. It’s not enough to defend, they rationalize their questioned behavior in order to make the speaker feel bad. Very PA, and a great way to wind up alone. Trust me.

• Accept the annoying possibility that you dropped the ball on a commitment. Accept responsibility for the outcome, even though your intentions were good. Trust that your relationship is strong enough that you can get your “equal time.” Don’t see nagging in every expressed annoyance.

  I believe, right now, if I could, I would swallow you whole
  I would leave only bones and teeth
  We could see what was underneath
  And you would be free then… Suzanne Vega

  This is often the growing edge for my clients struggling with Developmental Trauma. Caught in a matrix of terror, they’ve never used their eyes before.

  Past relationships never installed the sense of safety required to trust the healthy inevitability of both speaking and listening toward a more healthy understanding. I can help with that…now.

  Final thoughts on the pitfalls of saying “I understand”…

• Dr. Markman describes the negative emotion directed at you you by your life partner as a powerful emotional undertow.

  I am friend to the undertow

  I take you in, I don't let go

  And now I have you..ooh!

  I wanted to see how it would feel

  To be that sleek

  And instead I find this hunger's

  Made me weak... Suzanne Vega

• Dr. Markman advises that when you’re confronted with such powerful emotion from your partner, your best first move is to make friends with the undertow.

• Ride the wave of the undertow…don’t exhaust yourself by attempting to swim to shore. Even if you reach it, there is no safety for you there alone.

• Listen… it may take a number of new and different conversations. The problem starts with our stupid nervous systems which are somewhat hard-wired.

• In other words, the more we each feel disrespected, marginalized, and misunderstood by our spouse, the more we will argue, bicker, and fight. It is our human inclination to defend ourselves, and to resist being “wrong.”

• The more you can learn the process of expressing thoughts and feelings in a context of good intentions, the happier you will be… and you will be free then… I can help with that… Godspeed!

  Once I thought only tears could make us free

  Salt wearing down to the bone

  Like sand against the stone

  Against the shoreline… Suzanne Vega

RESEARCH:

Hawkins, Alan J; Stanley, Scott M; Cowan, Philip A et al. (2013) A more optimistic perspective on government-supported marriage and relationship education programs for lower income couples. Am Psychol 68:110-1

Markman, Howard J; Ritchie, Lane L (2015) Couples Relationship Education and Couples Therapy: Healthy Marriage or Strange Bedfellows? Fam Process 54:655-71

Markman, Howard J; Rhoades, Galena K; Stanley, Scott M et al. (2013) A randomized clinical trial of the effectiveness of premarital intervention: moderators of divorce outcomes. J Fam Psychol 27:165-72

Markman, Howard J; Rhoades, Galena K (2012) Relationship education research: current status and future directions. J Marital Fam Ther 38:169-200

Owen, Jesse; Rhoades, Galena K; Stanley, Scott M et al. (2011) The Revised Commitment Inventory: Psychometrics and Use with Unmarried Couples. J Fam Issues 32:820-841

Peterson-Post, Kristina M; Rhoades, Galena K; Stanley, Scott M et al. (2014) Perceived criticism and marital adjustment predict depressive symptoms in a community sample. Behav Ther 45:564-75

Scott, Shelby B; Rhoades, Galena K; Stanley, Scott M et al. (2013) Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple Family Psychol 2:131-145

Stanley, Scott M; Ragan, Erica P; Rhoades, Galena K et al. (2012) Examining changes in relationship adjustment and life satisfaction in marriage. J Fam Psychol 26:165-70

Wadsworth, Martha E; Markman, Howard J (2012) Where's the action? Understanding what works and why in relationship education. Behav Ther 43:99-112

Whitton, S. W., James-Kangal, N., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2018). Understanding couple conflict. In A. L. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships (pp. 297–310). Cambridge University Press. https://doi.org/10.1017/9781316417867.024

Whitton, Sarah W; Stanley, Scott M; Markman, Howard J et al. (2013) Attitudes Toward Divorce, Commitment, and Divorce Proneness in First Marriages and Remarriages. J Marriage Fam 75:276-287