Relationship Status: “Joint Costco Membership” — A Deep Dive into Emo-Markers of Commitment

Saturday, August 31, 2024.

As a marriage and family therapist, I spend a lot of time helping couples recognize the often-overlooked signals of commitment that define their relationship.

While we all know the traditional milestones—like moving in together, marriage, or having kids—there's something profound about the more subtle indicators that show two people are genuinely committed to each other.

One of the most underappreciated of these? The joint Costco membership.

The Science of Commitment in Relationships

Let’s start with the basics: commitment is not just about verbal affirmations of love or grand gestures; it’s also about the small, everyday decisions that indicate a deep investment in each other’s lives.

According to Interdependence Theory, commitment in relationships is essentially about the mutual investments that partners make—investments that are not easily untangled. These can range from sharing finances, creating joint accounts, to even deciding on what TV show to binge-watch together.

So, why does a Costco membership fit into this? It represents a shared life infrastructure. Couples who decide to go in on that giant membership fee are doing more than just saving on bulk goods—they're synchronizing their lives in a way that says, “We’re planning for a future together, and we need enough toilet paper to see us through it.”

Emotional Markers: Shared Resources and Joint Investments

When couples share resources—whether it’s a bank account or a Costco card—they’re making a public declaration of their commitment. This is because shared resources create a kind of practical interdependence.

The more intertwined your daily lives become, the more difficult it is to imagine a future without the other person. This intertwining is a key aspect of Structural Commitment, where the costs of leaving the relationship (emotional, social, and financial) become significant enough to encourage staying together.

In this context, a joint Costco membership isn’t just a financial decision—it’s an emotional one. It’s about trust, cooperation, and the willingness to merge individual needs into a collective good.

This reflects what Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of relationships, calls the “we-ness” factor, which is a strong predictor of relationship longevity.

Couples who talk in terms of "we" rather than "I" are more likely to stay together because they see themselves as a unified entity rather than separate individuals.

The Role of Rituals in Building Commitment

Another layer to this is the idea of rituals. Research in family systems theory highlights how shared routines and rituals strengthen the emotional bonds between partners.

In many ways, that bi-weekly Costco run is more than just a shopping trip—it’s a ritual that reinforces the couple's commitment. It’s a time to align on needs, make joint decisions, and even engage in those little moments of compromise (like deciding whether or not you really need that five-pound jar of Nutella).

These rituals contribute to Emotional Security, which is a critical element of a healthy relationship. The predictability and shared experiences that come from these routines create a stable foundation on which deeper emotional connections are built.

When couples engage in these rituals together, they’re not just stocking up on essentials—they’re affirming their commitment to a shared life.

A Symbol of Long-Term Planning

Lastly, let’s not overlook the practical implications.

A Costco membership is, in many ways, a symbol of long-term planning. It suggests a future where you’ll need that 50-pack of granola bars because you’re going to be together long enough to eat them.

It’s about looking ahead, anticipating needs, and being in sync about what those needs are.

This kind of foresight is crucial for relationship stability and is often linked to the concept of Goal Interdependence, where partners align on their future aspirations.

So, while it may seem humorous to say that a joint Costco membership is a marker of commitment, from a therapeutic perspective, it’s not far from the truth.

The decision to share resources, engage in regular rituals, and plan for the future together are all deeply rooted in the psychology of commitment. And let’s face it, if you can agree on buying bulk-sized ketchup, you’re probably in it for the long haul.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Rusbult, C. E., & Van Lange, P. A. M. (2003). Interdependence, interaction, and relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 54(1), 351-375. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.54.101601.145059

Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595-608. https://doi.org/10.2307/353245

Fiese, B. H., & Tomcho, T. J. (2001). Family routines and rituals: A context for development in the lives of young children. Infants & Young Children, 14(1), 34-43. https://doi.org/10.1097/00001163-200107000-00006

Kelley, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. Wiley-Interscience.