Red Flags and What to Do About Them: What r/relationship_advice Tells Us About Unhealthy Patterns

Monday, September 9, 2024.

In the ever-popular r/relationship_advice subreddit, users from all walks of life post about their relationship challenges, hoping for validation or guidance.

Many times, these posts highlight what we, as therapists, often refer to as "red flags"—warning signs that something isn’t quite right.

Yet, for the people living through these experiences, these red flags are often missed or downplayed.

In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the most common red flags seen on r/relationship_advice, discuss what they reveal about unhealthy relationship dynamics, and, most importantly, explain how therapy can intervene before it’s too late.

What Are Red Flags?

Red flags in relationships are behaviors, attitudes, or actions that signal potential trouble. These can be subtle at first but tend to become more obvious as the relationship progresses.

They might appear as controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, or even a consistent pattern of neglect or dishonesty. Unfortunately, many people ignore these warning signs, hoping their partner will change or that the issues will resolve themselves. However, left unchecked, red flags often lead to deeper emotional pain, unbalanced power dynamics, or even abusive relationships.

u/hopingforbetter writes:
"My boyfriend always reads my messages but never responds for hours or days. Then when he does respond, it’s one-word answers, and I feel like I’m bothering him. Am I overthinking this?"

This post highlights one of the more common red flags: emotional unavailability and dismissiveness.

Although it’s not the kind of behavior that immediately screams "danger," over time, emotional neglect can cause significant damage, leading one partner to feel isolated, unloved, or undervalued. Reddit users often call out these red flags, but therapy provides the space to really dive into why this behavior is problematic.

Common Red Flags From r/relationship_advice

Controlling Behavior and Isolation
One of the more frequent red flags in relationships is controlling behavior, where one partner tries to dominate the other, whether through overt manipulation or more subtle methods like guilt-tripping. For example, u/isthisnormal124 shares:
"My boyfriend always wants to know where I am, who I’m with, and gets upset when I don’t respond right away. He says it’s because he cares about me, but I’m starting to feel suffocated."

This is a textbook case of controlling behavior, often disguised as concern or care. In couples therapy, we identify these behaviors as early signs of unhealthy power dynamics that could lead to more severe emotional or even physical abuse if left unchecked. Partners who control others usually do so out of their own insecurity or need for dominance. Therapy helps both partners recognize this pattern and work toward healthier boundaries and trust.

Lack of Accountability
Another common red flag is a refusal to take responsibility for one's actions. Posts like this are often seen on Reddit:
u/whyisitalwaysme writes:
"Every time we fight, my girlfriend turns it around on me. I try to bring up something that bothers me, but it always ends up being about what I did wrong. I’m starting to feel like I can’t express my feelings."

This example of deflection and blame-shifting indicates an unwillingness to own up to mistakes, which is a major problem in relationships. Therapy focuses on promoting accountability, teaching partners how to acknowledge their actions without becoming defensive.

It fosters open, honest conversations about each person’s role in relationship conflicts. Without this crucial piece, the same patterns of blame and deflection will continue to erode trust and emotional intimacy.

Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
One of the more insidious red flags, gaslighting, is when one partner manipulates the other into questioning their reality. Consider u/isitmeamIwrong, who writes:
"Whenever I bring up something my partner did that hurt me, he says I’m being too sensitive or imagining things. I feel like I’m losing my mind."

Gaslighting erodes a person’s confidence in their own perceptions, making them feel confused or doubting their feelings. In therapy, gaslighting is identified and named for what it is—emotional manipulation.

Therapy offers a safe space where the gaslighted partner can express their emotions and begin to trust their own reality again, while helping the manipulative partner understand the harm they’re causing, if they are open to change.

How Therapy Can Help Intervene

Once red flags are identified, couples therapy becomes an essential tool for addressing them. Therapy offers both partners the opportunity to explore the origins of these unhealthy patterns, understand why they continue, and learn how to change them.

• Communication Tools: Therapy helps partners establish healthy communication habits where concerns can be voiced without fear of judgment, blame, or deflection. Through practices like active listening and mirroring, couples learn to listen, validate, and respond to each other’s feelings without escalating into defensiveness or manipulation.

• Boundary Setting: One key area that therapy focuses on is teaching partners how to set healthy boundaries. This might involve establishing limits on controlling behaviors, making space for personal freedom, and learning to respect each other’s independence. Through boundary-setting, therapy helps partners build mutual trust.

• Accountability and Trust: Therapy fosters accountability. It teaches partners to recognize and own their mistakes, apologize sincerely, and work toward repairing breaches in trust. Building accountability helps partners feel more secure and respected in the relationship.

• Identifying Abuse and Toxic Patterns: In extreme cases where red flags indicate emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, therapy plays a critical role in helping the victim recognize the severity of the situation. Therapy may lead to either restoring a healthier dynamic or supporting the person as they safely exit the relationship.

Don’t Ignore the Red Flags

If you recognize any of these red flags in your relationship, it’s essential not to ignore them. While Reddit’s r/relationship_advice is a great place for crowd-sourced advice, it’s no substitute for the tailored support and guidance that therapy can provide. Red flags don’t have to mean the end of a relationship, but they do signal the need for change.

In couples therapy, we work to unravel these unhealthy patterns, helping both partners grow into healthier versions of themselves and fostering relationships built on respect, trust, and communication. If you’ve noticed red flags in your relationship, therapy can be the intervention that turns your relationship around.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.