Why Some Relationships Survive Infidelity and Others Don’t: Insights from Reddit’s r/infidelity and Science-based Couples Therapy
Monday, September 9, 2024.
Infidelity is one of the most devastating events that can happen in a relationship. While many people assume cheating marks the end of a relationship, others find ways to survive—and sometimes even strengthen—their bond after the betrayal.
Over on Reddit’s r/infidelity, users share stories of both heartbreak and recovery, offering insights into why some relationships endure infidelity while others do not.
This blog will explore what Reddit users have taught us about infidelity and the key factors that therapists believe determine whether a relationship can survive.
By combining real-life examples with therapeutic insights, we’ll dive deep into what it takes to rebuild trust and move forward after betrayal.
The Decision to Stay or Go: Weighing the Costs of Infidelity
For many people on r/infidelity, the immediate question isn’t just about forgiving their partner—it’s about whether staying in the relationship is even worth it. u/deciding2stay writes:
"I love my partner, but I don’t know if I can live with this. How do I know if it’s better to walk away or try to fix what’s broken?"
This internal debate is one of the hardest parts of dealing with infidelity. Some people leave immediately, unable to imagine a future with someone who has betrayed them. Others stay, motivated by shared history, children, or the belief that the relationship can be repaired with time and effort.
Couples therapy provides a structured space where both partners can honestly assess the state of their relationship. Therapists encourage partners to express their doubts, fears, and anger, while also allowing the betrayer to reflect on their actions and the impact they’ve had. Therapy helps both partners weigh the emotional costs of staying versus leaving and offers tools to rebuild trust if they choose to stay together.
Why Some Relationships Survive: Commitment to Healing
Some Reddit users describe their journey of rebuilding after infidelity, and the common thread is commitment. Both partners must commit to the healing process, with the betrayer showing genuine remorse and the betrayed partner being open to forgiveness. u/tryingforus shares:
"It’s been a year since I found out about the affair, and while we still have tough moments, we’re slowly rebuilding trust. My partner has been open and honest about everything since, and we’ve both put in a lot of work to make this relationship better than before."
This highlights the two key factors needed for recovery: openness and effort. Rebuilding after an affair isn’t about pretending the betrayal didn’t happen; it’s about facing it head-on, discussing it honestly, and putting in consistent work to heal the relationship.
Therapists guide couples through the process of rebuilding emotional intimacy. Often, infidelity is a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection. Therapy helps both partners communicate their emotional needs and address any underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. Trust-building exercises, transparency agreements, and regular check-ins are just some of the tools therapists use to help couples rebuild their bond.
Therapists also stress the importance of consistency. The betrayer must consistently demonstrate their commitment to change, whether that’s through increased transparency, honest conversations, or actively working on personal growth.
Why Others Don’t: Unresolved Issues and Lack of Accountability
Unfortunately, not all relationships survive infidelity. For some couples, the breach of trust is simply too deep to recover from. In many cases shared on r/infidelity, the relationship fails because the betraying partner refuses to take full accountability for their actions. u/goingnowherefast writes:
"He says it was just a mistake and wants me to move on, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t feel like he’s truly sorry, and I don’t think we’re going to make it through this."
When the betrayer dismisses their actions, shows little remorse, or expects their partner to "just move on," the relationship can’t heal. Without genuine accountability and a willingness to make things right, trust remains broken.
Therapy encourages the betraying partner to confront the emotional impact of their actions. Therapists guide couples through accountability practices, where the cheating partner must actively listen to the hurt partner’s feelings and take responsibility for their actions. This process is essential for creating an environment where the betrayed partner feels safe enough to begin trusting again.
When accountability is absent, therapy may help the betrayed partner explore the possibility of ending the relationship. If the betrayer refuses to engage in the healing process, therapy provides support for the betrayed partner as they work through their grief and consider moving on.
The Role of Forgiveness: Essential for Healing, But Not Always Possible
Forgiveness is one of the most difficult aspects of healing from infidelity. For many Reddit users, forgiveness feels elusive. u/cantletgo123 expresses this struggle:
"I want to forgive them, but every time I think about it, I just get angry all over again. Is forgiveness really necessary to move forward?"
Forgiveness is not about excusing the betrayal or pretending it didn’t happen—it’s about letting go of resentment. But forgiveness is a long process that doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not always possible. Some couples can forgive and rebuild, while others find that the pain is too great to move forward together.
Therapists help couples navigate the process of forgiveness by encouraging both partners to express their feelings openly and honestly. Forgiveness can only happen when the hurt partner feels heard, validated, and understood. The betrayer must show genuine remorse and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship. Therapy helps both partners work toward emotional healing, whether that leads to reconciliation or parting ways.
If forgiveness isn’t possible, therapy provides a space for the betrayed partner to process their feelings, come to terms with the relationship’s end, and move forward with self-compassion.
Post-Infidelity Stress: Managing Triggers and Anxiety
Even after reconciliation, many Reddit users report lingering feelings of anxiety and suspicion. u/stillparanoid writes:
"It’s been almost a year since the affair, and I still get triggered by little things. Every time they don’t text me back right away, I start spiraling. How do I stop feeling this way?"
This post-infidelity stress is common and can strain even a repaired relationship. Many betrayed partners experience hypervigilance, where they constantly fear being betrayed again, which can prevent true healing from taking place.
Therapy helps folks manage post-infidelity stress through cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT), which challenge irrational thoughts and reframe negative thinking patterns. Therapists work with clients to identify triggers and develop coping mechanisms for anxiety. Additionally, couples work on rebuilding emotional safety, a key part of the healing process. The goal is to help both partners regain trust—not just in each other, but also in the relationship itself.
Moving Forward: Rebuilding or Letting Go
Some relationships survive infidelity because both partners are committed to working through the pain and making necessary changes. Others don’t, and that’s okay. Healing after infidelity doesn’t always mean saving the relationship—it may mean finding closure and moving on. u/movingonwithgrace shares:
"After months of trying, I realized we just couldn’t get past what happened. But therapy helped me understand that walking away doesn’t mean I failed—it means I’m choosing what’s best for me."
This sentiment captures the emotional clarity that therapy provides. Whether couples decide to stay together or part ways, therapy offers tools to navigate the emotional aftermath of infidelity.
For couples who choose to rebuild, therapy focuses on creating new relational habits based on trust, emotional openness, and transparency. Therapists help couples understand and address the factors that led to the betrayal, ensuring that both partners feel secure and connected moving forward.
For those who decide to part ways, therapy helps individuals process their grief and come to terms with the relationship’s end. The goal is to ensure that both partners leave the relationship with emotional clarity and a sense of personal growth.
Why Some Relationships Survive Infidelity and Others Don’t
Infidelity challenges the very foundation of trust in a relationship. For some couples, it’s a dealbreaker that leads to the end of the relationship. For others, it becomes an opportunity to address deeper issues and rebuild a stronger, more honest connection.
From r/infidelity, we learn that the key factors in whether a relationship survives are accountability, remorse, emotional resilience, and a commitment to healing. Through therapy, couples can explore these elements, either choosing to rebuild trust and intimacy or finding the closure they need to move on.
If you’re navigating the difficult road of infidelity, therapy can offer the structure and support needed to make the best decisions for your future. Whether your goal is to rebuild your relationship or move forward on your own, therapy provides a path to healing.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.