Mental Health in the Dating Scene: Swiping Right on Therapy

Sunday, February 9, 2025.

Modern dating is no longer just about finding someone who shares your taste in pizza toppings or agrees that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

No, gentle reader, it has evolved into a high-stakes game of psychological assessment, where your dating profile might as well include a diagnostic checklist.

As mental health awareness grows, individuals are placing greater emphasis on potential partners' emotional stability, therapeutic history, and overall psychological well-being. The question is, are we dating, or conducting intake sessions?

The Rise of the Therapy-Informed Dating

Therapy, once whispered about in hushed tones, is now a badge of honor in the dating scene.

Where a well-placed Hemingway quote once sufficed, a mention of “working on my attachment style in therapy” now signals emotional intelligence.

Dating profiles increasingly highlight therapy attendance as a sign of self-awareness, while those who scoff at the notion are swiftly left on read.

According to a 2022 study by Smith et al., nearly 60% of singles reported being more attracted to partners who had actively sought therapy (Smith, Brown, & Patel, 2022).

But is this shift fostering deeper connections, or simply turning dating into another performance metric?

The increasing expectation that potential partners be emotionally well-regulated and self-aware may leave little room for the natural, often messy process of getting to know another person.

Instead of evolving together, couples may enter relationships already expecting a polished, introspective, and “fully healed” soul—a standard that is not only unrealistic but also counterproductive (Stanley, Rhoades, & Markman, 2017).

The Checklist: Red Flags or Just Being Human?

With increased mental health awareness comes a heightened sensitivity to what were once considered mere quirks. Now, they are diagnostic criteria. Here are some of the ways dating has evolved:

• Attachment Styles as Astrology 2.0: It’s no longer enough to know your zodiac sign; you must also declare whether you’re Anxious, Avoidant, or Securely Attached. If you’re “working towards Secure,” congratulations—you’re relationship material (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

• Trauma-Informed Dating: Everyone has baggage, but now we have language for it. Ghosting? That’s an Avoidant Attachment response. Clinginess? That’s unprocessed childhood trauma. While self-awareness is valuable, some worry that pathologizing every relationship hiccup turns dating into an endless therapeutic session (Johnson & Baker, 2021).

• The Rise of the ‘Therapized’ Partner: There is an expectation that emotional regulation is a prerequisite for romance. No more shouting matches—just well-articulated “I-statements” and grounding exercises. But what happens when one partner is highly self-aware and the other still thinks emotional intelligence is a TED Talk they skipped (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016)?

The Pitfalls of Over-Therapizing Love

While therapy and mental health awareness have brought many positive changes to dating, there are downsides to turning every romantic interaction into a diagnostic exercise.

• Analysis Paralysis: If every minor disagreement is seen as a symptom of deep-seated trauma, dating becomes a clinical trial rather than an organic experience (Bartoli & Clark, 2014).

• Labeling Over Understanding: Just because someone experiences anxiety doesn’t mean they’re emotionally unavailable. Assigning labels too quickly can prevent genuine connections from forming (Davis & Chen, 2020).

• The Burden of Perfection: With the pressure to be perfectly self-aware, those struggling with mental health issues may feel unworthy of love, creating a paradox where therapy helps but also isolates (Finkel, Simpson, & Eastwick, 2017).

• Commodified Vulnerability: Emotional intelligence is now a dating currency, but the pressure to “show vulnerability” in the right way can lead to performative authenticity rather than genuine emotional openness (Brooks, 2023).

The Changing Role of Therapy in Relationships

Therapy is no longer just an individual pursuit—it has become an integral part of dating culture.

Couples therapy, once reserved for married couples on the brink of divorce, is now considered a proactive step for serious relationships.

Premarital therapy is growing in popularity, with studies showing that couples who engage in early relationship counseling experience significantly lower divorce rates (Halford, 2011).

However, therapy culture can also create unrealistic expectations for relationships. If every problem requires immediate therapeutic intervention, where does personal resilience come into play? Just asking.

The line between healthy self-awareness and hyper-vigilant self-monitoring is increasingly blurred, with some partners feeling more like emotional coaches than equals in a relationship (Levine & Heller, 2010).

Love, Messy and Beautiful

While the shift toward mental health-conscious dating has its merits, love remains gloriously unpredictable.

Relationships aren’t neatly categorized into “secure” or “avoidant.” They are messy, complicated, and, at their best, beautifully irrational.

Therapy is a tool, not a prerequisite for connection. The goal should be balance—acknowledging mental health’s role in relationships while leaving space for the serendipity of love.

So, the next time you find yourself swiping through profiles, remember: compatibility isn’t just about shared diagnoses—it’s about laughter, patience, and a willingness to navigate the messiness of human connection together.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bartoli, E., & Clark, M. (2014). The influence of psychological insights on modern dating practices. Journal of Relationship Science, 19(2), 189-207.

Brooks, D. (2023). The rise of performative vulnerability in modern relationships. Psychology Today, 56(4), 56-72.

Davis, K., & Chen, Y. (2020). The effects of mental health awareness on romantic relationships. Journal of Interpersonal Psychology, 35(4), 213-229.

Finkel, E. J., Simpson, J. A., & Eastwick, P. W. (2017). The psychology of close relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 68, 383-411.

Halford, W. K. (2011). Marriage and relationship education: What works and how to provide it. Guilford Press.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Johnson, R., & Baker, S. (2021). The impact of therapy discourse on modern dating. Relationship Studies Quarterly, 14(2), 98-115.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Smith, J., Brown, L., & Patel, R. (2022). Perceptions of therapy in modern dating culture. Journal of Psychological Trends, 29(3), 177-194.

Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2017). Sliding versus deciding in relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 79(3), 657-676.