Marital fight autopsy…EFT model

Wednesday, May 29, 2024. Revised and updated

When it comes to dissecting marital fights, evidence-based Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) stands out as the most relational model.

As the late Dr. Susan Johnson, the founder of EFT, put it, "In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us." Essentially, EFT can be seen as a comprehensive "fight autopsy," focusing on corrective emotional experiences to repair and reconnect attachment bonds.

7 Steps to a Marital Fight Meta-Conversation: EFT Style

Notice and Interrupt the Demon Dance/Protest Polka

Shift from a "You are hurting me!" or "You are ignoring me!" stance to "We are doing it again, we're trapped in our Demon Dance."

Recognize the "dysfunctional relational cycle" and stop blaming your partner. Instead, start collaborating with them.

Sue Johnson explained, "Couples can get stuck in a negative cycle where each partner is triggered by the other and responds in ways that exacerbate the problem."

• Claim Your Own Feelings

  • EFT encourages partners to move beyond "surface emotions" like anger and frustration to deeper feelings of vulnerability and healthy dependence.

  • According to Johnson, "Our deepest fear is being rejected, and we respond to that fear by getting defensive or attacking."

• Claim Responsibility for Your Own Moves

  • Use the "The More you do X, The More I do Y" framework to understand how your actions influence each other.

  • EFT promotes healthy relational dependence, emphasizing the need for a secure attachment to achieve differentiation.

  • Johnson notes, "Being emotionally open and responsive to each other’s needs creates a safe bond where partners can thrive."

• Own How You Are Shaping Your Partner's Emotions

  • Recognize the significant impact partners have on each other's emotions.

  • EFT focuses on exploring deeper emotional realities beyond surface emotions.

  • As Johnson puts it, "We are wired for connection, and our partner’s emotional response affects us profoundly."

• Ask About Your Partner's Deeper Emotions

  • In EFT, therapists help couples explore vulnerable emotions that lie beneath the surface, acting as "transitional attachment figures."

  • Johnson said, "When we feel emotionally secure, we are more likely to reach out and support our partner."

• Stand Together

  • A strong, intimate bond provides a safe and secure base, making it easier to exit demon dialogues and reconnect quickly.

  • "Love is not just a feeling; it’s a bond that keeps us together and helps us weather the storms," Johnson explained.

EFT Fight Autopsy Exercise: From Glove Story to Love Story in 5 Steps

Pick a Fight or Squabble

Choose a recent argument and write a simple description of the incident. Agree on a mutual version of events and keep the narrative straightforward.

Johnson advised, "Understanding the sequence of events that led to the conflict can help you see the pattern and work towards change."

1. Report Your Feelings

   • Share your feelings and discuss how each of you influenced the other’s decisions. Agree on how your emotions played out during the fight.

   • "Sharing emotions honestly is the first step towards healing and connection," said Johnson.

2. Explore Underlying Emotions

   • Ask about the softer, more vulnerable feelings that went unexpressed. Be curious and ask tentative questions like, "Did you feel sad? Confused? Hurt?"

   • Johnson emphasized, "When we understand our partner’s vulnerabilities, we can respond with empathy and care."

3. Consider Alternative Actions

   • Discuss what you could have said or done differently. How could you have approached the problem more collaboratively? Imagine how this would change your feelings toward each other.

   • "Creating a new, positive cycle requires intentional effort and understanding," Johnson noted.

4. Slow Down if Needed

   • If the conversation gets tough, slow down. Offer support to each other, maintain eye contact, and celebrate small breakthroughs. This process takes practice and time.

   • "Building a secure bond is a journey, not a destination," Johnson reminded us.

By following these steps and understanding the principles of EFT, couples can transform their conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. Remember, it's not about winning the argument but about strengthening your bond and building a healthier relationship.

Our community of practice is still mourning the loss of a modern giant in couples therapy. Sue Johnson’s ideas can help you and your partner navigate conflicts with compassion and humor, ultimately fostering a stronger, more connected relationship. As Sue Johnson said, "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more."

Be Well, stay Kind, and Godspeed.