“Leaving on Read”: How Anger in Marriage is Evolving in 2024
Thursday, October 3, 2024.
Marriage has always been a landscape where emotions, including anger, play a significant role.
However, as we move into 2024, the nature of anger in marriages is undergoing shifts that reflect broader cultural, social, and technological induced behavioral change, such as “Leaving on Read”
Anger, once often expressed in isolated outbursts or face-to-face confrontations, now takes on more complex forms, fueled by digital life, evolving relationship norms, and societal pressures.
This post will explore what research and social media are saying about how couples are fighting today, and more importantly, what they are fighting about.
The Evolving Role of Anger in Marriages
Anger, like any other emotion, is a natural part of relationships, and when handled correctly, it can even bring couples closer by helping them address underlying issues. However, the way anger manifests today is different from how it used to be.
The 21st century has seen a major shift in how couples experience and express anger, especially with the advent of technology, digital communication, Limbic Capitalism, and changing societal expectations around emotional labor, gender roles, and relationship boundaries.
The Role of Technology: "Leaving on Read" as a New Source of Conflict
One of the most significant technological changes affecting marriages is the constant digital connection through smartphones and social media. While these tools can foster connection, they also introduce new forms of conflict. For example, the modern phenomenon of "leaving on read" has become a major flashpoint in many relationships.
What does "Leaving on Read" mean?
"Leaving on read" happens when one partner reads a message but doesn’t respond, despite the sender being aware that the message was seen. Most messaging platforms (such as WhatsApp, Instagram, or Facebook Messenger) notify users when their message has been read, typically with a checkmark or a "Seen" indicator.
This silent treatment, even when delivered digitally, can be emotionally charged in the context of romantic relationships. The lack of response often triggers insecurity, frustration, or even outright anger. One partner may feel neglected, dismissed, or unimportant, leading to heightened conflict, especially if it happens during a tense conversation or argument.
“Leaving on read” can sometimes symbolize a deeper disengagement in the relationship. When used deliberately, it can also create power imbalances where one partner feels they are being emotionally stonewalled.
The phenomenon has become a modern form of avoidance, similar to stonewalling in face-to-face interactions, but with the added pressure of digital immediacy.
Many couples in 2024 report that frequent instances of "leaving on read" during arguments or sensitive discussions exacerbate feelings of neglect or abandonment, making it a new arena for emotional conflict.
Digital Stonewalling and Escalation
“Leaving on read” is part of a larger trend of digital stonewalling, where one partner withdraws from digital communication to avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations.
Stonewalling, a term popularized by relationship researcher John Gottman, refers to emotional withdrawal during interactions and is considered one of the "Four Horsemen" that predict relationship breakdown.
In a digital context, ignoring messages or failing to reply can be equally as destructive, as it makes it harder to resolve issues face-to-face. This can lead to prolonged conflicts that continue through text messages or social media exchanges, often escalating into passive-aggressive behavior.
Stonewalling behavior in marriages can lead to significant frustration, with one partner feeling that the other is intentionally avoiding conflict resolution.
Studies suggest that couples who engage in frequent digital stonewalling or passive-aggressive digital interactions have higher levels of dissatisfaction in their relationships (Gottman, 2015).
When traditional avoidance behavior seeps into the digital realm, "leaving on read" adds a new layer of frustration to modern marriages, fueling conflicts that may have otherwise dissipated.
What Are Couples Fighting About in 2024?
The topics of conflict in marriages haven’t changed drastically—issues like money, intimacy, and household responsibilities still dominate. However, the way these issues are brought up and dealt with has been altered by the pressures of modern life. Here are some common themes driving conflict today:
Work-Life Balance
With more couples working from home post-pandemic, boundaries between work and personal life have blurred. Partners often feel like they're never fully "off," leading to resentment over time spent on work rather than on the relationship.
The demands of remote work can increase stress, and many couples struggle to maintain a balance, leading to frequent arguments about time management, personal space, and emotional availability.
Digital Distractions and Social Media
Social media and constant phone usage have become significant sources of friction. Couples fight over screen time, perceived digital infidelity (micro-cheating), or simply the amount of attention that is diverted to devices instead of each other.
Many feel neglected as their partners are consumed by their phones, leading to feelings of loneliness even when physically present with each other. A growing body of research links phone addiction to marital dissatisfaction, as partners increasingly feel they are competing with screens for attention.
Emotional Labor and Gender Dynamics
There’s an increasing awareness around the concept of emotional labor, particularly among women in heterosexual relationships. In many marriages, one partner—often the wife—feels burdened by managing the emotional climate of the home, taking on the mental load of remembering details like birthdays, schedules, and household tasks.
As awareness of this imbalance grows, so too does conflict over who should bear the emotional labor in the relationship. This leads to disputes about fairness and resentment, with research showing that couples who fail to address this imbalance are more likely to experience long-term dissatisfaction (Hochschild & Machung, 2012).
Parenting and Parental Roles
Couples often clash over parenting styles and responsibilities. In 2024, there's more attention to co-parenting, particularly as more parents want to break away from traditional gender roles.
Disagreements about discipline, involvement, and the division of childcare responsibilities are frequent causes of marital strife. Studies suggest that couples who effectively share parenting responsibilities report higher levels of marital satisfaction (Petts, Shafer, & Essig, 2020).
Anger Escalation in a Hyperconnected World
Conflicts that would have once ended after a face-to-face argument now continue through text messages, social media, or other digital platforms. Couples who struggle to find resolution often see their conflicts escalate online, with passive-aggressive messaging or "leaving on read" as a form of digital stonewalling.
Additionally, as social media platforms highlight the "perfect" lives of others, some partners feel envious or inadequate, sparking new forms of conflict. Research suggests that the phenomenon of social media comparison contributes to dissatisfaction and anger in relationships (Fox & Moreland, 2015).
Partners may argue over unrealistic expectations that arise from constantly comparing their own relationship to curated online portrayals of others.
What Does the Research Say?
Studies on anger in marriages show that unresolved anger can lead to long-term relational issues, including dissatisfaction, contempt, and ultimately divorce.
According to a study by psychologist Howard Markman, couples who suppress anger or use avoidance strategies like stonewalling are more likely to experience chronic conflict and less relationship satisfaction (Markman et al., 2010). Moreover, anger that festers unspoken, as happens with "leaving on read," can lead to emotional distancing and reduced intimacy over time.
Dr. John Gottman’s research emphasizes that how couples handle anger—whether they engage in stonewalling, criticism, or contempt—determines the health of the relationship long term. His research suggests that couples who express anger constructively, rather than avoiding it, have a greater chance of staying together (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Recent studies have explored modern conflict management styles in marriages, highlighting that the rise of digital communication has changed the way couples interact during conflicts.
One study by The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Rogers & Lea, 2020) found that couples who rely heavily on texting and social media for communication tend to have more unresolved conflicts than those who prefer face-to-face discussions.
The study suggested that digital communication can often depersonalize conflict, making it harder to empathize with a partner’s emotional experience, which escalates tension.
Additionally, research from The Journal of Marriage and Family (Fincham & Beach, 2021) indicated that couples who use technology as a tool for passive aggression—such as leaving a partner on read—reported higher levels of dissatisfaction and were more likely to engage in demand-withdraw cycles, where one partner demands attention or resolution and the other withdraws further into silence or avoidance.
Navigating Anger in 2024
Anger in marriage is not inherently harmful, but the way couples deal with it can make or break their relationship.
In 2024, digital dynamics like "leaving on read" and social media distractions add complexity to anger management. As couples continue to adapt to new societal pressures, learning to communicate effectively—both digitally and in person—will be crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Be mindful of digital behaviors that may exacerbate anger in your intimate relationship. Beware of bad habits, such as "leaving on read" or social media comparison, and avoid letting modern frustrations undermine their emotional connection.
The key to resolving anger, as always, lies in open, empathetic communication and a commitment to working through conflicts constructively.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Fox, J., & Moreland, J. J. (2015). The dark side of social networking sites: An exploration of the relational and psychological effects of Facebook. Computers in Human Behavior, 45, 211-219. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.11.083