Understanding the fundamentally decent but angry man

Saturday, May 18, 2024.Revised and updated.

In the 1960s, it was popular to express anger openly, influenced by the notion that venting would lead to emotional catharsis.

This "hydraulic" model of anger suggested that hitting a punching bag, yelling, or even using nerf bats could help dissipate anger.

But Did It Work?

Research, particularly by Albert Bandura in 1977, debunked this idea. Expressing anger often exacerbates it rather than alleviating it. Anger, it turns out, needs to be starved, not fed. Chronic anger should be denied opportunities for expression, as indulging it only reinforces the cycle.

Anger and Influence: A Critical Insight

Science shows that an angry man must learn that anger is ineffective for achieving his goals. More specifically, he must realize that anger is never a clear path to getting what he wants.

Attention Wives and Girlfriends: If your partner understands that anger isn't the right tool for influencing you, he can communicate more effectively. Show him how you accept influence when he’s calm, not angry.

Is Anger Always Abusive?

It’s important to distinguish between anger and abuse. You can be angry without being abusive, and you can be abusive without showing anger. However, anger and abuse often occur together. The intent behind the behavior is crucial. Domestic violence and emotional abuse aim to control, dominate, and inflict harm. This post focuses on non-abusive anger—anger as a natural, human emotion.

Why Are You So Angry?

The angry man often believes he has valid reasons for his anger. People let him down, fail to keep promises, or ignore him when he tries to explain patiently. Anger is about having agency. By fixing others, he imagines he’s fixing his problems. Here are four reasons behind his behavior:

• Accomplishment: He wants to achieve something specific.

• Conflict Resolution: He seeks to resolve a conflict in what he believes is the correct way.

• Interaction Success: He desires successful interactions where values align. Poor social skills and defensiveness often thwart this.

• Acknowledgment: He seeks recognition, attention, or appreciation. For some men, anger was the only way to get noticed in their family of origin. This is known as attachment-injury anger.

What Does the Angry Man Want?

This leads to a crucial question: What does the angry man truly want? Often, he doesn’t just want to vent; he wants to be heard, understood, and valued. Anger can be a misguided attempt to achieve these desires. Here’s a deeper look at the angry man’s goals:

Accomplishing Tasks: The angry man often believes that anger is a tool for getting things done. Ask him, “Do you feel that your anger helps you achieve your goals? What if there were more effective ways to accomplish what you need?”

Resolving Conflicts: He may see anger as a means to resolve disputes. Consider asking, “How effective has anger been in resolving your conflicts? Have you noticed any patterns in how others respond to your anger?”

Successful Interactions: The angry man desires positive social interactions but often lacks the skills to achieve them. You might ask, “Do you find that your anger helps you connect with others, or does it create more distance? What other emotions might help you achieve the connection you seek?”

Seeking Acknowledgment: For some, anger is a cry for recognition. Explore with him, “When you express anger, do you feel acknowledged? What other ways can you be recognized and valued without resorting to anger?”

Solving the Problem of the Angry Man

Helping your angry man understand that his anger isn’t helping him achieve his goals is crucial. Anger dissolves relationships rather than solving problems. He needs to reframe his anger and learn that there are better ways to accomplish tasks, influence others, and feel valued.

Here’s How You Can Help:

Let Him Run Out of Steam: If you typically interrupt or fight, try a different approach. Give him your undivided attention without attacking or defending. Just listen. This might be a good time to ask, “What do you need right now?”

Summarize His Points: Reflect back on what you hear: “So, what I’m hearing you say is…” Don’t editorialize or add your thoughts yet. This helps rewire his brain, showing him he doesn’t need to fight to be heard. You might add, “Can you help me understand more about why this is so important to you?”

Validate His Anger: If he has a point, acknowledge it: “It makes sense that this upsets you.” Follow up with, “Have you considered how this affects us both?”

Wring Out the Sponge: Ask, “In addition to that, is there anything else about this situation that you’d like to see change?” Probe deeper by asking, “What’s the underlying issue here for you?”

Suggest a Calmer Discussion: Propose, “I’d really like to talk with you about this and see if we can find a way to agree. But right now, you seem too upset. Can we discuss it in half an hour when you’ve calmed down? This issue is important to you, and I want us to figure it out together calmly.” Add, “What do you think would be a good outcome for both of us?”

Expanding Emotional Vocabulary

Some men have a poor emotional vocabulary. Help him notice the differences between annoyance, frustration, anger, and rage. Model emotional nuance for him. For instance, say, “I see you’re frustrated and overwhelmed, and I sympathize.” Ask, “Can you describe exactly what you’re feeling right now?”

Setting a Good Example

If you have kids, demonstrate dealing with frustrating topics calmly and respectfully. Say, “Let’s show the kids we can handle this well.” Then ask, “How do you think we can model better behavior for them?”

The Bottom Line on the Angry Man

Men are different from women. Some men, under stress, get overwhelmed and lose their ability to calmly assess situations.

But an otherwise decent husband and father can recognize when his anger impacts his family and can accept influence. His expression of anger may have roots in his family of origin, but he can enrich his emotional expression with a little help.

During a calm moment, ask your partner about his experiences with anger growing up. How did he feel about it?

How does he feel giving his kids the same experience? Encourage him to expand his emotional vocabulary and express his best self.

Key Questions to Explore:

What did you learn about anger from your parents?

How do you feel when you’re angry?

What do you think you achieve through anger?

Can you imagine a different way to express your needs?

Understanding and addressing the underlying causes of anger can help your partner communicate more effectively, ultimately strengthening your relationship.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:
Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191–215. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.84.2.191