How to Have a Healthy Argument with Your Spouse (and Not End Up Sleeping in the Car)

Tuesday, February 18, 2025.

Let’s talk about it. sooner or later, the honeymoon phase fades, and you're left facing the reality that this beautiful, wonderful person—your person—is somehow completely wrong about the proper way to load a dishwasher. And thus, an argument is born.

But arguing with your spouse doesn’t have to be a declaration of war.

Done right, it can be an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and the ever-elusive ability to actually agree on where to eat for dinner.

So let’s talk about how to argue like two reasonable, loving adults rather than two raccoons fighting over a sandwich in a parking lot.

Accept That Conflicts Are Inevitable (and Probably Healthy)

According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the foremost researchers on relationships, the key to a successful marriage isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s how you handle it (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

In fact, couples who never argue might not be healthier; they might just be repressing every grievance until it erupts in a spectacular midlife crisis featuring a convertible and an ill-advised tattoo.

Disagreements mean you’re engaging with each other. The trick is to do it constructively, rather than reenacting a courtroom drama where both sides are convinced they’re the only sane one in the room.

Timing is Everything

If your spouse has just come home from a grueling day of work, or you’re running late for an appointment, that might notbe the best time to launch into a detailed critique of their inability to put dirty socks in the hamper.

Choose a time when you’re both calm and available for an actual discussion—not just a mutual exchange of passive-aggressive sighs.

Ditch the Personal Attacks (No, Seriously, Stop That)

A healthy argument is about the issue, not about delivering a list of character flaws you’ve been quietly compiling for the past six months.

Stick to what’s bothering you in the moment rather than launching a Greatest Hits album of past grievances.

For example:

• Good: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m the only one doing the dishes. Can we figure out a better way to share this?”

• Bad: “You never do the dishes because you are a selfish, inconsiderate asshole who delights in my suffering.”

(One of these is more likely to end in a constructive conversation. The other is more likely to end with you angrily scrubbing pots and pans alone.)

Listen Like You Actually Care

Yes, I know—listening is hard, especially when your brain is busy preparing your next devastatingly victorious counterpoint.

But real listening means actually hearing what your spouse is saying, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

Try repeating back what you think they mean to make sure you’re on the same page.

For example:

• Spouse: “I feel like I’m doing all the emotional labor in this relationship.”

• You: “So you’re saying you want more support from me when it comes to managing household stuff?”

• Spouse: “Yes. And also, I want you to stop leaving your socks everywhere.”

Congratulations, you just avoided a miscommunication spiral.

Keep Your Voice at Indoor Levels

For some couples, arguments have a way of escalating from “mild disagreement” to “neighbors wondering if they should call someone” in record time.

When voices get louder, defenses go up, and suddenly, no one is actually solving anything—they’re just trying to win. And trust me, if one of you "wins" the argument, the relationship loses.

Know When to Take a Break!

If you feel yourself getting too heated, take a step back.

Go for a walk, get some air, or stare blankly at a wall for a bit—whatever it takes to calm down.

Gottman’s research suggests that when heart rates spike above 100 beats per minute in conflict, people lose their ability to process information rationally (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

So if you’re too mad to think straight, pause the argument until you can both approach it with a clearer head.

End with Some Kind of Resolution (Even If It’s Just Agreeing to Disagree)

Not every argument is going to end in total agreement. Sometimes, the best you can do is acknowledge each other’s feelings and find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe you do prefer different thermostat settings—but now you agree that whoever wakes up first controls the morning temperature, and whoever stays up later gets the evening settings.

Progress, not perfection.

Love is Greater Than Being Right

Despite what your petulant nervous system is telling you, at the end of the day, your goal shouldn’t be to "win" the argument.

The goal is to have a relationship where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued. And sometimes that means letting go of being right in favor of being happy (or at least, being slightly less irritated).

So next time you find yourself about to argue with your spouse, take a deep breath, remember that you’re on the same team, and—if nothing else—resist the urge to bring up that one time they forgot your birthday.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.