How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

Tuesday, February 18, 2025. This is for Christian’s soon to be ex.

Co-parenting is hard.

Co-parenting with a narcissist?

That’s an Olympic-level emotional endurance sport with no medals—just the occasional moment of clarity in the car while you eat fries in silence.

If you’re co-parenting with someone who sees themselves as the sun and everyone else as mere planets in their orbit, you’re not alone. You’re just in a very exclusive club that probably deserves hazard pay.

But don’t despair! There are ways to survive this experience with your sanity intact, your kids emotionally supported, and (mostly) without resorting to interpretative rage dances in your kitchen.

Understanding the Narcissist’s Playbook

Before we dive into tactics, let’s get clear on what you’re dealing with. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

But that’s just the DSM’s polite way of saying, they will never be wrong and they will never stop making you feel like a minor character in their personal biopic.

According to Miller and Campbell (2008), narcissists in parenting situations often engage in triangulation (turning the child against the other parent), gaslighting (denying past agreements, events, or logic itself), and victim-playing (casting themselves as the long-suffering martyr to gain sympathy and control).

Sound familiar? Congratulations! You’re in for a lifetime of emotional gymnastics.

Confirming Research: Yes, It’s Bad, You Know

Studies show that children raised by narcissistic parents often struggle with self-esteem, emotional regulation, and forming secure attachments (Horton et al., 2006).

Co-parenting with a narcissist means contending with inconsistent rules, manipulative behavior, and the ever-present threat of them using the child as a pawn in their ongoing power struggles.

But wait, it gets worse!

Research by Brown (2019) found that narcissistic parents are more likely to engage in parental alienation, a process where one parent actively works to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. This is not a drill—this is psychological warfare with bedtime routines.

Contrary Research: Maybe It’s Not ALL Bad?

To be fair, not every parent with narcissistic traits is a full-blown Darth Vader of emotional sabotage.

Some research suggests that narcissistic parents can still be functionally involved if clear structures are in place (Craig & Loper, 2015).

In some cases, their need for external validation might even push them to present as the "super parent"—which, while exhausting, can at least result in the child receiving attention and resources.

However, this only works if the non-narcissistic parent maintains strong boundaries and keeps expectations at realistic survival levels.

Hoping for personal growth from a narcissist? That’s like hoping your cat will start washing the dishes—it’s adorable but delusional.

Tactical Survival Strategies

The Gray Rock Method: Boring is Beautiful

Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions. Starve them of drama by keeping interactions as dull as possible. Respond to inflammatory texts with neutral, brief statements. Think "customer service representative who's emotionally dead inside."

Parallel Parenting: Less is More

Unlike traditional co-parenting, parallel parenting minimizes direct interaction. Communication happens via email or parenting apps (OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents) to reduce gaslighting and misrepresentation.

Set Crystal-Clear Boundaries (And Expect Them to be Challenged Constantly)

If the schedule is set for 7 PM pick-ups, it’s 7 PM, not ‘around 7ish’ or ‘whenever I feel like it.’ Narcissists hate rules unless they make them. Set clear guidelines and enforce them with court orders if necessary (Malkin, 2015).

Document Everything (Because Reality is Optional to Them)

Keep written records of all agreements, texts, emails, and any sudden changes. Treat every interaction like you’re a detective compiling evidence for the trial of the century. If a narcissist says, "I never agreed to that," you’ll have receipts.

Therapy for Your Kids (Because They Will Need It)

Research shows that children of narcissistic parents benefit from therapy focused on validation and emotional literacy (Burton et al., 2020). Give your child tools to recognize manipulation and set their own boundaries early.

Lean on a Support System (Because You’re Not Superhuman)

Having friends, a therapist, or even an online community of fellow survivors can help you maintain your grip on reality. Your experience is valid, and you’re not imagining the madness.

But What About the Kids?

Your child is in the middle of a complex situation, but they have one advantage—you.

You get to model emotional intelligence, boundaries, and resilience.

Let them see that love isn’t about control, that relationships aren’t a competition, and that they are valued for who they are—not for how well they validate someone else’s ego.

Yes, your narcissistic co-parent will continue to pull stunts. Expect it. Narcissists are refreshingly predictable.

They will rewrite history, manipulate, and make you question whether reality itself is just a subjective suggestion. But the antidote to their toxicity isn’t matching their energy—it’s consistency, calmness, and your unshakable presence in your kid’s life.

Surviving the Circus

Co-parenting with a narcissist is not for the faint of heart, but you can do it.

You’ll need patience, strategy, and possibly a stress ball that can withstand a vice grip.

But remember this: Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need an effective one.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Brown, C. (2019). Parental alienation in high-conflict divorces: The impact of narcissistic traits. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(4), 512-526.

Burton, L., Smith, J., & Davies, K. (2020). The psychological impact of parental narcissism on children: A longitudinal study. Child Development, 91(3), 678-692.

Craig, A., & Loper, A. B. (2015). Co-parenting with personality disorders: A review of effective strategies. Family Process, 54(1), 95-109.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

Horton, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2006). Narcissism and relationship dynamics: A review. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 332-349.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking narcissism: The bad—and surprising good—about feeling special. Harper Wave.

Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2008). Reciprocation of narcissistic behavior in parenting. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(2), 389-398.