The Unexpected Perks of Lust: A Hilarious Therapy Session with Lisa and Dave

Wednesday, October 16, 2024.

So, there I was, settling into my trusty therapy chair, when Lisa and Dave walked in.

Now, Lisa and Dave are one of those couples you just know have some good stories up their sleeves. Today, though, they looked...a little sheepish. This was going to be good.

Lisa started, “So, uh, Daniel, I’ve noticed something weird…”

Dave, nodding along, jumped in, “Yeah, me too. I’ve been...noticing other people. Like, really noticing.”

Ah, the infamous wandering eye.

But before you roll your eyes and think, “Here we go, relationship drama 101,” let me tell you—this is not what you expect.

Turns out, that sudden spark of attraction toward the cute barista and her red wavy hair? or the neighbor’s toned arms? It could actually be doing wonders for your relationship.

Seriously. Let’s get into the science.

Lust: Not Just for the Bachelor Anymore?

Remember when we were all taught that sexual desire for your partner means staying committed, faithful, and romantically exclusive forever?

Well, buckle up, because evolutionary science just swerved into oncoming traffic and told us, “Not so fast.”

According to a groundbreaking study published in Human Nature, heightened sexual desire for others might actually fuel the flames of passion with your partner.

Wait, what?

Let’s talk about the research for a second.

Sierra D. Peters, Jon K. Maner, and Andrea L. Meltzer gathered a group of newlyweds (because, who else would you rope into daily diary studies?) and asked them to report their sexual desire for their partner—and their wandering thoughts about other hotties they might encounter. Every day, for two years. Yes, really.

The Daily Lust Log: What They Found

The results? Well, buckle up, because on days when these couples reported feeling more sexually drawn to their partner, they also admitted to noticing other attractive people.

And when they got a little too excited about someone else—be it the barista, a colleague, or a hot actor on Netflix—their desire for their partner also shot up. I know, mind-blowing, right?

Lisa leaned forward, eyes wide. “Wait, so me eyeing that cute guy at the gym...might actually make me more attracted to Dave?”

I nodded. “Exactly. It’s not that you’re falling out of love with Dave; it’s more like your overall sexual energy gets a little...kickstart.”

Now, Dave was grinning. “So, that’s why I found Lisa so irresistible last night after we ran went to Starbucks?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Precisely. The science shows that sexual desire might not be as partner-specific as we once thought. Desire isn’t a zero-sum game. Instead, when your sexual radar starts pinging, it amplifies across the board.”

Science Backs It Up (With Diaries and Experiments)

The study didn’t stop at just diary entries.

Peters and her colleagues went full mad scientist, running an experimental study where they primed participants to think about either their romantic partner or an alternative partner (let’s call this the “sexy thoughts” experiment).

They found that those who were primed to think about someone else hot actually felt more desire for their partner afterward.

Lisa was floored. “So, daydreaming about Jason Momoa can help me stay attracted to Dave?”

“Exactly,” I said. “It's like sexual desire snowballs—one spark can set off all kinds of flames. And it's not about wanting to leave your relationship. In fact, the research suggests it could help strengthen it.”

The Big Takeaway: Desire Works in Mysterious Ways

“So, what does this all mean for us?” Dave asked, clearly intrigued.

“Well, it means that noticing others is natural—and it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It’s part of how we’re wired. Instead of beating yourself up for an innocent wandering eye, understand that it’s how sexual desire works. In fact, it could even add a little extra spice to your relationship.”

They both looked relieved, and honestly, a little amused.

“Looks like we’re off to the gym together more often,” Lisa said with a wink.

I smiled. “Just don’t forget to look at each other, too.”

The Unexpected Perks of Lust: A Hilarious Therapy Session with Lisa and Dave, Part 2

So there we were, diving deep into the science of lust, when Dave—who, I should add, had been suspiciously quiet—finally chimed in, "So... uh, Daniel, does this mean we need to redefine adultery?" He flashed me that sheepish grin guys get when they think they’ve found a loophole in life.

Cue Lisa, glaring at him like she'd been waiting for that exact question.

But here's the thing—Dave may have been onto something (and not just a new way to annoy his wife). What if this new understanding of desire forces us to rethink what we traditionally define as "adultery"?

Is the science saying it's totally cool to ogle the neighbor’s "whatever"? Or even entertain a fantasy about the gym hottie?

Let’s dive into the deliciously complex cocktail of science, philosophy, and, yes, the moral codes we’ve lived by since Moses came down with his stone tablets.

Coveting Thy Neighbor’s Whatever: A Philosophical Quandary

Here’s where things get juicy.

Traditionally, adultery has been about actions.

You know, that whole “don’t covet thy neighbor’s spouse” thing was meant to keep us from sneaking off behind the barn (or, in modern terms, the nearest Tinder date).

But what if science is telling us that coveting itself might not be all that harmful—and could even spice up the relationship with your actual partner?

That’s where the boundaries start to blur.

Philosophers like Immanuel Kant would be furiously shaking their powdered wigs.

Kant believed that morality wasn’t just about actions; it was also about the intentions behind those actions.

In his view, lustful thoughts alone could be considered morally corrupt if they objectified another person. To Kant, even thinking about running off with the red headed barista would be an ethical no-no.

But then you’ve got the evolutionary view, which is a bit more... forgiving. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that lust—whether for your partner or someone else—is just part of our biological makeup.

We’re wired to desire multiple people, whether we like it or not. It’s survival of the hottest. The idea is that sexual desire evolved to ensure the species survives and thrives, and who you aim that desire at is less important than the fact that you’re feeling it in the first place.

Lust vs. Adultery: Can We Draw the Line?

Dave, now looking hopeful, piped up again. “Daniel, so, what you’re saying is, thinking about the barista’s wavy red hair doesn’t make me a bad person?”

I laughed. “Well, not exactly. According to this new research, noticing someone attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to act on it. In fact, it might just be a natural reaction that increases your desire for Lisa.”

Lisa wasn’t buying it. “Wait, so you’re telling me Dave fantasizing about someone else is good for us?”

That’s where it gets interesting. The research from Peters et al. suggests that sexual desire isn’t partner-specific.

When you feel sexual energy toward anyone, it can ignite desire across the board.

It’s not a zero-sum game, where more desire for someone else means less desire for your partner.

Instead, it can create a ripple effect, boosting the overall "sexiness" of your relationship.

So, does that mean Dave’s innocent fantasies are just harmless brain exercises that could actually benefit his marriage?

Well, science seems to be leaning in that direction. But before we rewrite the Ten Commandments, let’s take a closer look.

Desire Without Action: A Modern Reconsideration of Adultery

If we go all the way back to Aristotle, he emphasized that true virtue lies in moderation.

The trick is not being consumed by desire, but rather understanding it and keeping it in check.

In Aristotle’s world, Dave noticing the neighbor wouldn’t be inherently wrong, as long as he doesn’t let it get out of hand. It’s all about balance—appreciating beauty without jeopardizing your commitment to your partner.

Now, let’s consider what that means for modern relationships.

If lust is a natural, healthy response, and it doesn’t automatically lead to betrayal, then should our definition of "adultery" be limited to actual physical acts of infidelity? Should we stop worrying so much about the occasional wandering eye and instead focus on how our partners show up for us emotionally?

If the science is right—and sexual desire can be a catalyst for more attraction within a relationship—then maybe we should loosen up a little about harmless fantasies.

But—and this is a big but—there’s a fine line between fantasizing and acting on those desires. If someone uses the "lust is natural" excuse as a free pass to cheat, they’ve missed the point entirely.

Lust as a Relationship Booster? Wait, What?

The real kicker in this research is how sexual desire for others can actually benefit your relationship.

Yep, you heard me right.

It's like your brain gets a little boost of dopamine when it notices someone hot, and suddenly your partner starts looking more attractive, too. It’s a psychological domino effect: feel desire → spread the love → make things hotter at home.

So, does that mean you should send your spouse out into the world to get a visual feast of attractive others?

Not exactly.

But understanding that desire is fluid—sometimes spilling over to others before circling back home—can make you a little more forgiving of those “Did you just check out the barista?” moments.

For Lisa and Dave, this realization was a game-changer.

Lisa grinned at Dave. “Alright, you can notice at the barista’s red hair—but please only if you tell me I’m hotter afterward.”

Dave, always quick on his feet, winked. “Deal.”

The Big Takeaway

Here’s the bottom line: sexual desire is messy, complicated, and often not partner-specific.

But that doesn’t mean it’s harmful to your relationship. In fact, noticing the beauty in others can remind you of the beauty in your partner.

As long as you're not crossing the line into actual infidelity (sorry, Dave, you’re not getting off that easy), your occasional wandering eye might just be part of the rich, complex way humans experience attraction.

And if nothing else, you’ve got an excellent excuse next time you get caught looking: “It’s for the relationship!”

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed

REFERENCES:

Peters, S. D., Maner, J. K., & Meltzer, A. L. (2024). Sexual desire is not partner-specific: Findings from diary and experimental studies. Human Nature.

Kant, I. (1785). Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals.

Aristotle. (350 B.C.E.). Nicomachean Ethics.