Children of infidelity
Saturday, May 18, 2024. Revised and updated.
Are My Kids Impacted by Infidelity? Understanding the Effects and Best Practices
Infidelity affects not just the betrayed partner but the entire family, especially children.
Our culture values fidelity, and when parents break this vow, they break it not only to their spouse but also to their children.
Kids of infidelity long for a loving, stable family environment, and the fallout from an affair can shatter this dream.
The Psychological Impact on Children
Children learn about love and relationships from their families. They want loyalty and dependability from their family members. When marital infidelity comes to light, it's often explosive, but the impact on the children is frequently overlooked. Whether they're six, sixteen, or twenty-six, children are profoundly affected by their parents' betrayal, leading to long-lasting psychological issues.
As Ana Nogales, author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, notes:
“I think it made me very afraid of intimacy for many, many years. It did color every relationship I had with women. I’m not sure if I trusted women for a long time…”
The Fallacy of Parental Omniscience
One of the biggest misconceptions in family dynamics is the Fallacy of Parental Omniscience. Parents often debate about how much to tell their children about sensitive issues, but kids have an impressively sophisticated emotional radar.
Research shows that children's ability to detect emotional undercurrents is often more refined than that of adults. Children are keenly aware of what's happening, even if their parents think they are keeping secrets.
During a crisis of infidelity, parents might make one of two critical mistakes: telling their children too much or too little. Both approaches can dramatically impact a child's emotional well-being.
A hurt partner might overshare to create an alliance with the child against the cheating parent, or the involved partner might disclose details to control the narrative. Neither approach considers the child's need for appropriate boundaries.
Variables Affecting Children's Vulnerability:
The impact of infidelity on children varies based on several factors:
Parental behavior: How parents handle the infidelity.
Type of cheating: Emotional vs. physical infidelity.
Child’s age: Younger children versus teenagers or adults.
Cultural, ethnic, or religious context: Influences family values and reactions.
Pre-affair family quality: The family's stability before the affair.
Under dysfunctional conditions, the impact can be severe and long-lasting, sometimes leading to trauma.
For example, a client whose father was a serial philanderer and whose mother manipulated and terrified her with threats of abandonment developed Borderline Personality Disorder. This deeply affected her ability to trust and her relationships with men, leaving her a "frightened, tortured soul" decades later.
Should Children Be Told About Infidelity?
Therapists are divided on whether children should be informed about an affair. The key considerations include the affair's role in family functioning, the possibility of divorce, and the level of conflict in front of the children. Generally, a "keep secrets" policy can backfire, as children will sense the tension and try to piece together what's happening, often feeling anxious and insecure.
Best Practices for Different Age Groups
Younger Children: They might become caretakers of the betrayed parent, adding to their stress. Unable to articulate their feelings, they may act out, regress, or withdraw. They often engage in magical thinking to fix their parents' problems.
Older Children and Teens: They have a sophisticated understanding but can be resentful and unforgiving when their security is threatened. Open discussions about the family's efforts to heal can be therapeutic, but recruiting them into parental alliances or keeping them in the dark can cause long-term estrangement.
Impact of Different Types of Affairs
Conflict-Avoidant Affairs: Least impact if parents work on communicating needs. Without help, these couples might have serial infidelities, affecting children’s perception of relationships.
Split-Self Affairs: When the myth of family perfection is shattered, children feel betrayed and angry. They may act out against perceived parental hypocrisy.
Intimacy-Avoidant Affairs: Most damaging, according to Emily Brown MSW, LCSW. Prolonged exposure to parental conflict leads to intimacy issues in adulthood.
Exit Affairs: Cause shame and betrayal, often resulting in children taking sides and developing long-term trust and self-esteem issues.
Similarities with Children of Alcoholics: Children in families affected by infidelity share traits with children of alcoholics. They often become the family’s focus, absorbing the shame and chaos. These children may struggle with intimacy and trust as adults, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.
Characteristics of Children of Infidelity
Dennis Ortman, in his book Cheating Parents: Recovering From Parental Infidelity, identifies common traits among these children:
Confusion about normal behavior in relationships
Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
Lack of confidence in resolving conflicts
Trust issues
Over-controlled or under-controlled anger
Confusion about sexuality
Hyper-vigilance about betrayal
Extreme loyalty or disloyalty
Unexplained lying
Anxiety about losing control
Fear of abandonment and perfectionism
Harsh self-judgment and unrealistic standards
Difficulty expressing wants and needs
Final thoughts
Children need age-appropriate information that reassures them of their parents' love and care. They shouldn’t be burdened with adult issues. Whether the marriage survives, children require parents to set aside hostilities and focus on their needs.
To break the legacy of infidelity, parents must engage in science-based couples therapy and prioritize their children's emotional well-being. By understanding the profound impact of infidelity and taking proactive steps, families can heal and build healthier relationships for future generations.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
