The Hidden Danger of a Sexless Life for Women: Is Intimacy Saving Your Life?
Monday, October 21, 2024.
Hello gentle female readers. Are you feeling like intimacy has taken a backseat in your life?
It turns out that a lack of regular sexual connection could be impacting more than just your relationship—it might be quietly affecting your overall health.
A recent study published in the Journal of Psychosexual Health has uncovered some eye-opening findings: women who rarely have sex are at a significantly higher risk of dying compared to those who make time for intimacy each week.
Yikes.
But there's more to this story, especially when we consider the complex role that mental health and our culture play in shaping our intimate lives.
Why Intimacy is About More Than Sex: How Connection Heals Us
Sex is often framed as a purely physical act, but it’s so much more than that.
It’s a moment of shared vulnerability, a space where we feel seen, valued, and connected.
According to my colleague Esther Perel, “Eroticism is the antidote to death.”
Esther captures how intimacy can revitalize us, filling the emotional void that everyday stresses and routines can create. When we experience this kind of connection regularly, it has a ripple effect, lifting our mood, reducing stress, and even strengthening our immune system.
Engaging in regular intimacy helps release endorphins and oxytocin—chemicals known to create feelings of happiness and bonding.
Think of it as nature’s own stress relief. And it’s not just about those warm, fuzzy feelings—sex can also boost sleep quality thanks to the release of prolactin, a hormone that helps us relax.
By creating these moments of connection, couples can build a stronger emotional bond, making it easier to weather life’s inevitable ups and downs together.
Why Rare Sex Could Be Hurting Your Mental Health
For many people, especially those dealing with depression, low sexual frequency can be both a symptom and a cause of mental health struggles.
Depression often reduces libido, leading to less frequent sex.
But without these moments of closeness and connection, feelings of loneliness and isolation can grow, creating a cycle that’s hard to break. Perel describes this dynamic, saying, “When desire dies in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that love has died. But the relationship can start to feel like a living death.”
And now there’s science to back this up.
Research published in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that people who have sex less than once a month experience significantly higher levels of depressive symptoms compared to those with a more active sex life.
The study suggests that maintaining a regular intimate connection can help protect against the emotional weight of depression, offering a sense of belonging that is deeply nourishing.
The Hidden Role of Cultural Narcissism in Our Relationships
In today’s fast-paced, digitally-driven world, many of us are pulled in a million directions, making it hard to focus on the present moment.
This phenomenon, often referred to as "Cultural Narcissism," encourages us to prioritize personal success and self-image over deeper, more vulnerable connections. Social media and the constant quest for online validation can make it easy to neglect the real-world connections that truly matter.
As people spend more time curating their online lives, they may unintentionally neglect the intimate relationships that bring depth and meaning.
But this comes at a cost. A relationship without consistent intimacy can become fragile, leaving partners feeling unfulfilled and disconnected. And this isn’t just a problem for couples—it's a reflection of a culture that often places individual achievement above mutual connection.
The Alarming Health Risks of Rare Sex: What the Research Shows
A study led by Srikanta Banerjee and his team dug into the numbers, using data from the NHANES to examine how sexual frequency affects the likelihood of dying.
They found that women who had sex less than once per week were 70% more likely to die during the follow-up period than their more active counterparts.
For those experiencing depression, the risks were even greater—women with infrequent sex and depression had a 197% higher risk of death compared to those who managed to keep their intimate lives active.
Wow. Why does this happen?
It’s partly because sex helps to reduce inflammation in the body, which can be measured through levels of C-reactive protein (CRP).
High CRP levels are linked to various health issues, including heart disease. Regular sex improves circulation and heart function, offering a natural boost to physical health. It’s like a secret weapon for your immune system—keeping your defenses strong and your heart healthy.
How to Reignite Your Connection: Simple Steps to Restore Intimacy
If you’re feeling the distance in your relationship, know that you’re not alone—and there’s hope. Even small changes can make a big difference when it comes to rekindling intimacy. Here are a few compassionate steps to help bring back the closeness:
Start with Open Conversations: It might feel awkward, but talking about your needs and desires is a powerful first step. When both partners feel heard, it can create a sense of safety and closeness.
Focus on Quality Time Together: Life gets busy, but prioritizing time together—whether it’s a simple walk, a shared hobby, or a date night—can help you reconnect emotionally, making physical intimacy easier to reignite.
Seek Professional Support: If depression or anxiety are standing in the way of intimacy, consider talking to a qualified sex therapist. They can offer guidance and strategies to help break the cycle of emotional distance.
Why Sexual Health Deserves More Attention in Public Health
The findings from Banerjee and colleagues remind us that sexual health is not just a private matter—it’s a public health issue that affects our overall well-being.
When people are supported in maintaining healthy sexual relationships, it can have a ripple effect on their physical and mental health.
It turns out that focusing on sexual wellness is a key part of health care. It’s how we can create a more holistic approach that addresses the whole person, not just their symptoms.
Esther Perel emphasizes, “Good sex is not about how things were, but about how things can be. It is about playfulness, renewal, and being open to what we can create together.” By embracing this mindset, couples can move beyond past difficulties and build a more fulfilling intimate connection. It’s not about achieving a perfect relationship; it’s about creating one that allows for growth, love, and mutual joy.
Moving Forward: Embracing Connection in a Disconnected World
In a society that often pulls us away from each other, remembering the simple power of human touch and connection is more important than ever.
Prioritizing intimacy—not just as a physical act but as a way of being present with each other—can create stronger, more resilient relationships. For many, these moments of connection can be the difference between thriving and merely surviving.
Whether you’re looking to reignite the spark in a long-term relationship or simply understand the importance of intimacy, this study sheds light on a truth that’s easy to forget: we all need connection, both for our hearts and our health.
It’s time to bring back the warmth, the playfulness, and the joy of intimacy, for the sake of our relationships and our well-being.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Banerjee, S., Anderson, P., & Davis, W. S. (2024). Connection between depression, sexual frequency, and all-cause mortality: Findings from a nationally representative study. Journal of Psychosexual Health.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. New York, NY: Harper.
Brody, S. (2010). The relative health benefits of different sexual activities. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(5), 1159-1163. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-010-9638-8
Dewall, C. N., Lambert, N. M., Slotter, E. B., Pond, R. S., Deckman, T., & Finkel, E. J. (2013). So far away from one’s partner, yet close to his or her alternatives: Avoidant attachment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(1), 174-191. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0030981
López, R., & Gomez, A. M. (2022). Sexual frequency and mental health: A longitudinal study of the association between sexual activity and depressive symptoms. Psychosomatic Medicine, 84(2), 133-140. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0000000000001010