Not all couples thrive on compassion: Study reveals some partners prefer selfishness

Thursday, June 13, 2024.

In a plot twist that could rival a daytime soap opera, groundbreaking research has unearthed a shocking truth: not all couples benefit from compassion.

It turns out that some partners actually prefer a healthy dose of self-centeredness.

While conventional wisdom has long touted compassion as the secret sauce for relationship success, this study flips the script.

The traditional narrative tells us that couples who shower each other with compassion are happier, more caring, and more committed. They're the ones who cancel plans to be with their partner, write love notes on the bathroom mirror, and remember to pick up their partner's favorite snacks.

But hold onto your hats, folks, because this study suggests that not everyone is on board with this old-school lovey-dovey approach.

Dr. Andrew Gloster, one of the masterminds behind this eye-opening study, explained that by analyzing couples individually, rather than lumping them all together, they uncovered some jaw-dropping results.

He quipped, "It's like finding out your favorite rom-com is actually a horror movie when you watch it alone."

How The Study Was Conducted

The study tracked 84 heterosexual couples as they chronicled their daily experiences, noting their levels of self-compassion and compassion towards their partner.

Dr. Gloster elaborated, "We wanted to get up close and personal with each couple, kind of like a relationship reality show, but without the cameras."

The findings revealed that while half of the couples felt that being empathetic towards their partner made them more attractive (the so-called 'synergistic' couples), the other half ('independent' couples) didn't play by these rules.

For the independent folks, being compassionate towards their partner or themselves didn't make them any more smitten.

In fact, some of the independent men, who were all about self-compassion but lacked compassion towards their partners, were actually less attracted to their significant others.

It's as if they were saying, "I love me, but you? Not so much."

These results throw a curveball at the idea that compassion is a one-size-fits-all solution for relationship bliss.

Dr. Gloster concluded, "For couples who think compassion is the bee's knees, go ahead and ramp up the warm fuzzies. But for others, it might be time to embrace your inner selfishness."

Final thoughts

So, there you have it, gentle readers. In a world where compassion is king, there are those who prefer to march to the beat of their own drum, even if it means dancing solo.

Cultural Narcissism 1, Human Experiment 0?

Couples therapists take note. This breaking study was just published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science (Ciarrochi et al., 2024).

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Joseph Ciarrochi, Baljinder Sahdra, Madeleine I. Fraser, Steven C. Hayes, Keong Yap, Andrew T. Gloster,

The compassion connection: Experience sampling insights into romantic attraction,

Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science,

Volume 32, 2024, 100749, ISSN 2212-1447,

https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2024.100749.

(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2212144724000292)