Cognitive biases in relationships

Friday, June 14, 2024.

During an age of profound self-absorption, cognitive biases play an enormous role in relationship dynamics, often leading to miscommunication, conflict, and resentment.

When these biases are amplified by Cultural Narcissism, particularly prevalent in American society, the effects can be even more pronounced.

Let’s consider a few of these cognitive biases, how they manifest in relationships, and how Cultural Narcissism emerges as a force multiplier.

1. Confirmation Bias: “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In”

Partners often seek out behaviors that confirm their preexisting beliefs about each other. If Jamie believes Alex is always late, every tardy arrival will be a glaring confirmation, while punctual moments will go unnoticed.

In a society that celebrates personal validation and self-affirmation, folks are more likely to cling to their preconceived notions. It’s like living in a perpetual echo chamber where everyone insists, “I’m right, and here’s the proof!”

Encouraging partners to actively seek out evidence that contradicts their beliefs can foster a more balanced view. Imagine turning, “You never listen to me!” into, “Oh wow, you remembered my favorite pizza toppings!”

2. Anchoring Bias: “First Impressions Last Forever”

Initial impressions or statements can heavily influence future interactions. If Alex’s first words about Jamie’s cooking were, “It’s… interesting,” every subsequent meal might be judged against that tepid praise.

With a heavy focus on first impressions and personal branding, people tend to cling to their initial judgments, making it harder to update their views. It’s like being stuck in a time loop where your partner is forever the person they were on the first date.

Revisit and re-evaluate those first impressions with fresh eyes and an open mind. “Remember when I thought your kale smoothie was bizarre? Now I can’t start my day without it!”

3. Availability Heuristic: “Why Does This Always Happen to Us?”

Partners might base their judgments on the most readily available memories, often recent or emotionally charged ones. If the last argument was about dirty dishes, it might feel like “we always fight about chores.”

Constant exposure to dramatic relationship portrayals in media can skew perceptions, making people believe their relationship issues are more frequent or severe than they are. It’s like thinking every minor tiff is a soap opera-level crisis.

Encourage a broader perspective by recalling positive moments and successes instead. “Sure, we argue about dishes, but remember when we built that IKEA bookshelf without a single fight?”

4. Hindsight Bias: “I Knew This Would Happen”

After a conflict, partners might claim they “knew all along” what the outcome would be, creating a sense of inevitability and hopelessness about resolving issues. “I knew you’d forget our anniversary!”

A culture that prizes foresight and being right can exacerbate this bias, making partners more likely to assert their correctness post-conflict. It’s like everyone wants to be Nostradamus after the fact.

Focus on the learning process rather than on being right. “Okay, so maybe we both missed the signals this time. How can we catch them next time?”

5. Bandwagon Effect: “Everyone’s Doing It, So Should We?”

Partners might adopt behaviors or attitudes because they see them as popular or accepted within their social circles, leading to bandwagon jumping. “All our friends are doing couple’s yoga; maybe we should too?”

In a culture that idolizes trends and social conformity, folks may feel pressured to align their relationship practices with perceived ideals. It’s like trying to keep up with the Joneses, but with yoga mats and organic juice cleanses.

Better to encourage authenticity and individualism in relationship practices. “Just because everyone else is doing goat yoga doesn’t mean it’s right for us. Let’s find our own unique way to bond!”

6. Self-Serving Bias: “It’s Not Me, It’s You”

Partners might take credit for positive outcomes while blaming the other for negative ones, leading to resentment. “We had a great date night because I planned it, but we argued because you were moody.”

With a cultural emphasis on self-promotion, partners are more likely to externalize blame and internalize praise. It’s like living in a world where everyone thinks they’re the hero and everyone else is the villain.

Promote shared responsibility and mutual appreciation instead. “We had a great date night because we both put in effort. And we argued because, well, maybe we were both a bit stressed.”

7. Fundamental Attribution Error: “You’re Just Like That”

Partners may attribute each other’s negative behaviors to personality flaws rather than situational factors. “You’re always so careless,” versus, “You must be really tired today.”

A self-centric culture amplifies this bias, with folks more likely to see themselves as multifaceted while oversimplifying their partner’s behaviors. It’s like seeing yourself as a complex novel and your partner as a single-page pamphlet.

Encourage understanding and empathy by considering situational factors. “I know you’ve had a tough week; let’s talk about how we can support each other better.”

8. Overconfidence Bias: “I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself”

One or both partners might overestimate their understanding of each other’s feelings and needs, leading to miscommunication. “I don’t need to ask; I know what you want.”

The cultural valorization of self-assuredness can lead individuals to dismiss their partner’s perspectives, believing their own judgments to be superior. It’s like playing psychic and getting it wrong every time.

Try to foster open communication and curiosity instead. “I might think I know, but I’d love to hear from you directly. What do you really want?”

9. Loss Aversion: “Better Safe Than Sorry”

Partners may avoid addressing problems for fear of losing the relationship or causing conflict, leading to unresolved issues. “Let’s not talk about it; we don’t want to fight.”

A culture that fears failure intensely can magnify this bias, causing individuals to stay in unhealthy relationships longer to avoid perceived loss. It’s like clinging to a sinking ship because at least it’s familiar.

Encourage constructive conflict and problem-solving instead. “Talking about it might be tough, but avoiding it will only make things worse. Let’s face this together.”

10. Dunning-Kruger Effect: “I’m a Relationship Expert!”

Less self-aware partners might overestimate their relationship skills, while more self-aware partners might underestimate theirs, leading to imbalances. “I know exactly what we need to do.”

In a society that promotes self-confidence, sometimes to the point of delusion, humans may be less likely to seek self-improvement. It’s like being a self-proclaimed chef who can’t boil water.

Promote humility and continuous learning instead. “We both have strengths and areas to improve. Let’s work on becoming better together.”

Cultural Narcissism as a Force-Multiplier: “It’s All About Me… and You”

• Amplification of Biases: Cultural narcissism, with its focus on self-importance and individualism, intensifies these cognitive biases by promoting an inflated sense of self and a diminished capacity for empathy and self-reflection.

  This leads to:

• Increased Relational Conflicts: Misaligned expectations and poor communication are more common, as partners prioritize their own needs over mutual understanding.

• Prioritization of Personal Desires: Individual gratification often takes precedence over the collective well-being of the relationship, leading to selfish behaviors.

• Reduced Willingness to Compromise: Self-validation trumps relational harmony, making it harder to find common ground and resolve conflicts.

Final thoughts

As a couples therapist, I do my level best to address these compounded biases by fostering self-awareness, promoting empathy, and encouraging open, honest communication in a culture that seeks to undermine these efforts at every turn.

Techniques such as cognitive restructuring, mind-mapping, mindfulness, motivational interviewing, and active listening might help counteract the negative effects of these biases and build healthier, more resilient relationships. If any of this sounds appealing, I can help with that.

So, next time you catch yourself thinking, “I knew you’d do that!” or “Everyone’s doing it, so we should too,” please take a step back.

Remember, we are all marinated in cognitive bias. But a little humor, a lot of empathy, and a willingness to challenge your biases can go a long way.

After all, love isn’t just about being right; it’s about being together.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.