Why don’t I feel understood?

Saturday, May 18, 2024. Revised and updated.

Why don’t I feel understood?

One thing I have come to look upon as almost universal is that when a person realizes he has been deeply heard, there is a moistness in his eyes. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying,

“Thank God, somebody heard me. Somebody knows what it is like to be me.” In such a moment, I have had the fantasy of a prisoner in a dungeon tapping out day after day a Morse Code message, “Does anybody hear me? Is there somebody there? Can anyone hear me?” And finally one day he hears some faint tapping that spells out “yes.”

By that simple response, he is released from his loneliness, he has become a human being again. There are many, many people living in private dungeons today, people who give no evidence of it on the outside, where you have to listen very sharply to hear the faint message from the dungeon. Carl Rogers Freedom to Learn ( 1969 p.224).

The problem of criticism and defensiveness

What happens when you feel understood? That's a good question. To feel understood and to understand in return requires an intentional communication process. Listening for understanding is key.

When a couple cannot listen to each other for understanding, criticism and defensiveness usually result.

They may have clashed over who had power and control, or they may icily “do their own thing.” They may see this as flexible and permissive, but it’s a cold distance between them at the end of the day.

Margaret Mahler's work has shaped both Imago Therapy and the Developmental Model. They share an interesting value around a couple’s “intentional dialogue.” They both value differentiation as a pathway to begin to feel understood, freeing up emotional energy to more authentically discern one’s own thoughts and feelings calmly and deliberately.

The evidence-based EFT model and the Gottman Method are either far less curious about the merits of focusing on differentiation, as in the case of EFT, or fairly dismissive of the idea, as in the Gottman Method.

Two realities

You can see where an emphasis on “two realities” and valuing calm in resisting the “contagion” of your partner’s strong emotion can sometimes complicate the intent of the science-based, attachment-oriented couples therapy models. To feel understood is essentially a more experiential process in EFT.

So why do some therapists expose themselves to this never-ending attachment vs. differentiation debate?

Certain schemas, such as Entitlement/Grandiosity, Self-Sacrifice/Subjugation, and Social Isolation/Alienation, require the notion of differentiation as an excellent clinical tool.

While clinical research is lacking, anecdotal evidence of the importance of emphasizing differentiation in certain schemas is abundant.

Why aren’t you feeling understood?

I once had the uncomfortable experience of watching a video of a young EFT therapist in training attempting to work on the “attachment needs” which “terrify” the husband depicted in her video.

The wife was staring off into space, not even looking in the direction where her husband was animatedly tallying all of her shortcomings as a wife and sexual partner. I asked, “What’s going on?.. I can’t take my eyes off the wife,” I said.

I learned that this husband had abruptly left couples therapy sessions halfway through a number of times earlier with previous therapists. He didn’t like where the therapy was going. Then he would go home and scream obscenities at his 11-year-old daughter.

This poor therapist just wanted her client to feel understood. In her assessment, she decided that being an Emotionally Focused Therapist required her to see the issue through an attachment lens. Unfortunately, she failed to see what was in plain view.

In other words, in the service of “understanding,” the grandiose, entitled, rageful, and emotionally abusive husband had managed to manipulate this junior couples therapist-in-training to completely twist the couples therapy to suit his abuse pattern.

It wasn’t even couples therapy. The wife was utterly disengaged and wasn’t even pretending to be curious about her husband’s rant.

I have met young therapists in training who were such utter devotees of a particular model that they failed to discern the long-term clinical objectives.

This therapist failed to perceive the scary, emotionally abusive parent and partner right before her eyes.

Sure, he may have felt “understood” by the therapist…all the therapist had to do to accomplish that task was give up any effort toward actual couples therapy!

Endlessly curious…

I admire therapists who remain endlessly curious. I want to not only train deeply in science-based couples therapy models but also deliberately train deeply in contrarian models.

This deliberate cross-training challenges comfortable clinical perceptions and fosters my growth and development as a “good enough” couples therapist.

There are several different models of Intentional Conversation. Gottman has the Anatol Rapoport Intervention and Dreams Within Conflict (DWC). EFT has the ongoing use of Enactments.

The Developmental Model has the “I to I” process, and Imago has the Imago Dialogue.

I include all of these interventions under the rubric (appropriated with enthusiasm from Esther Perel)…as Generative Conversations. Every couple therapy model has, without exception, their own version of a Generative Conversation.

However, some schemas focus on attachment, and some focus on differentiation. Terry Real has a handy way of describing this evaluative process. He sees it as identifying the “blatant” and “latent” partners.

Common factors in generative conversations

When the partner receives the message and accurate feedback on what was said, Imago describes this as a Mirroring Process.

The ability to give feedback on exactly what was said in exactly the same words is an important distinction to the Imago therapist. They believe it helps people feel understood.

Consequently, several schemas may fight you on this hyper-focus on a verbatim process. The other couples therapy models value the use of exact words, phrases, and metaphors, but they don’t make a fetish out of a perfect word-for-word repetition.

I prefer to call this initial process Attending. When you are attending to your partner you are bestowing non-evaluative attention. You are collecting the facts about how they feel. You are listening for understanding.

A good job of Attending would incorporate words, phrases, and metaphors used by the speaker. Still, I like it when a listener can calmly reflect and contribute their additional word, phrase, or metaphor and asks “Is it also like this? How is it the same? How is it different?” The first step in feeling understood is to feel heard.

Validation is the next factor. Validation is the roadmap to empathy. Validation means “if I could see things through your eyes, and I’m aware that I can’t, but I imagine that if I could, I would see them the way you see them.”

Validation is the willingness to subordinate your own feelings and imagine your partner’s perspective.

To validate is not to agree, although agreements may unfold as understanding grows. Validation honors both points of view. When embraced with equanimity, it shatters symbiosis and promotes healthy differentiation.

The second step to feeling understood is to hear your partner tell you that your thoughts and feelings make sense through your eyes.

Empathy is the goal. Empathy is the companion of satisfied marriages. Now, Imago posits that a simple guessing game of “I imagine that might make you feel angry, resentful, or hopeless….right?” is sufficient.

Imago believes that if the receiver wants to feel understood, they will slog through this process, then there “are no wrong moves.”

Emotionally-Focused Therapy is more demanding it requires a “corrective emotional experience,” and the Gottman Method requires an ever-increasing degree of attunement.

The final step in feeling understood is when your partner can feel what you feel, and relate to your emotions.

These couples therapy models agree that Generative Conversations are a process that improves with practice.

Science-based couples therapy focuses on what works, and we are learning more and more each day. The pathway to understanding is mutual. Wave the white flag. Lean in. Ask good, generative questions, and work to validate instead of evaluate your partner’s perspective. There are two realities. Explore both with curiosity and goodwill.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.