"Enshittification": A Therapist’s Lens on Family and Intimate Relationships
Tuesday, November 26, 2024.
While"enshittification" may have been coined to describe the decline of online platforms, its relevance transcends the digital world.
As a marriage and family therapist, I see this word as an apt metaphor for the gradual deterioration of relationships when unmet needs, narcissism, or neglect creep in.
Just as platforms once built on trust and utility erode due to profit-seeking, intimate connections can crumble into convenience when foundational values are sacrificed for short-term gains or external pressures.
The Definition and Its Application to Relationships
Cory Doctorow’s term, enshittification refers to the “gradual deterioration of a service or product” caused by exploitative practices. Substitute “service or product” with “relationship,” and the parallels become striking.
Relationships, like platforms, thrive when nurtured, but they degrade when attention to quality and respect is replaced by self-serving behaviors.
The stages Doctorow outlines—beginning with generosity, progressing to exploitation of users, and ending with a collapse of values—mirror common cycles in failing relationships.
In therapy, couples often report starting with love and mutual care, only to reach a point where one or both partners prioritize personal gratification at the expense of shared well-being.
Stage 1: The Honeymoon Phase
Initially, relationships flourish in a state of mutual benefit, much like early platforms offering genuine value to users. Partners are attentive, caring, and collaborative. Trust is established, and both people feel seen and valued. In this phase, the "platform" of the relationship is strong, built on shared goals and love.
Stage 2: Exploitation Creeps In
Over time, cracks may form. Subtle neglect, selfish decisions, or unresolved conflicts lead to an imbalance.
Like platforms optimizing for business customers while sidelining user needs, one partner might prioritize career, hobbies, or personal desires, leaving the other feeling overlooked. Emotional labor often becomes unevenly distributed, and resentment builds.
For example, consider the often-ignored dynamics of the “invisible load” in families. One partner may shoulder the bulk of emotional and household management, silently eroding the trust and goodwill established earlier.
Stage 3: Collapse
When left unaddressed, this imbalance spirals. Communication devolves into arguments, intimacy fades, and the relationship’s “algorithm” begins serving up frustration and isolation instead of connection and joy. At this stage, couples often seek therapy—or, sadly, they might decide to end the relationship entirely.
Doctorow’s insight that platforms “abuse their business customers” in the final phase mirrors how toxic behaviors in relationships can harm not only the partners but also the larger family system. Children, extended families, and social circles may feel the ripple effects of relational breakdowns.
The Way Out: “Disenshittification”
Doctorow is optimistic about reversing enshittification in the tech world through regulation and collective action. Similarly, relationships can be restored when couples commit to “disenshittifying” their connection. This requires effort, transparency, and intentionality. Key strategies include:
Rebalancing Emotional Labor: Couples can rebuild trust by acknowledging and redistributing responsibilities.
Prioritizing Quality Time: Intentionally reconnecting through shared activities or rituals counters the “algorithmic drift” toward disconnection.
Seeking Help Early: Therapy can identify and address harmful patterns before they spiral into collapse. I can help with that, and the earlier the better.
Embracing Vulnerability: Honest communication about needs and fears can prevent the decay of intimacy and respect.
A Family Perspective: Enshittification and Generational Impact
In family systems, enshittification occurs when generational patterns of neglect, conflict, or overcontrol erode the relational “platform.”
For example, when parents over-prioritize careers or external achievements, children may feel unseen, leading to emotional distance or rebellion. Recognizing these dynamics and fostering open communication is crucial for maintaining healthy, thriving family connections.
Why This Word Resonates
“Enshittification” won Macquarie Dictionary’s Word of the Year because it captures a universal frustration—be it with tech platforms or life’s broader systems.
For many, it feels like a shorthand for a pervasive sense of decline. In relationships, it serves as a warning and a call to action: left unchecked, even the strongest bonds can erode under the weight of selfishness, neglect, or imbalance.
But the process is reversible. Whether in families, partnerships, or digital platforms, intentional efforts can restore balance, trust, and connection. In a world that often pulls us apart, the antidote to enshittification is clear: we must prioritize what truly matters—our shared humanity.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.