Navigating Emotional Intimacy in the Age of AI and Technology: How to Stay Connected in a World of Digital Distractions

Friday, September 27, 2024.

Here’s a familiar scene. You’re snuggled up on the couch, your partner at your side, and instead of exchanging sweet nothings, you’re both buried in your phones.

Maybe you’re scrolling through Instagram, and they’re neck-deep in a Reddit rabbit hole. Despite being physically close, it feels like miles between you.

This is the new face of intimacy—or rather, the absence of it—in the age of AI and technology.

In the past decade, we’ve witnessed the rise of smartphones, artificial intelligence, and social media platforms designed to keep us engaged at all costs.

But at what cost to our relationships? Emotional intimacy, that deep, unspoken connection between two people, is increasingly competing with the siren call of our devices. And our devices are winning.

Let’s explore why that is, what the consequences might be, and most importantly, how to reclaim the deep human connection that technology is slowly eroding.

How Technology Hijacks Our Emotional Attention

In his groundbreaking work on distraction, Nicholas Carr, author of The Shallows, suggests that the internet is rewiring our brains, reducing our capacity for deep thought and focus (Carr, 2010).

If this is true for our cognitive abilities, it stands to reason that the same forces are at play when it comes to emotional attention. Our devices don’t just distract us from our partners—they teach us to be distracted.

Our world equates multi-tasking with success, while the art of truly bestowing attention, both physically and emotionally, is becoming lost.

Studies have shown that the average person checks their phone 58 times a day, with 70% of those checks being done while interacting with others (Deloitte, 2022). What does this mean for emotional intimacy?

It means that our brains are constantly toggling between the here-and-now and the digital elsewhere.

This isn’t just an annoyance—it’s a killer of intimacy.

In her book Alone Together, Sherry Turkle argues that while technology can simulate connection, it actually weakens the quality of our real-life relationships (Turkle, 2017).

Psychologists refer to this as "continuous partial attention," where our focus is divided between multiple tasks—none of which receive our full emotional engagement.

In relationships, this means we’re always half-listening, half-present, and never fully attuned to the person right in front of us.

The result? A growing sense of isolation and emotional neglect, even when we’re physically together.

AI Companions: The Future of Love or a Threat to It?

It’s no longer science fiction: AI companions are here.

From AI-driven chatbots that mimic human empathy to virtual therapists available at the touch of a button, technology is stepping in where human connection once thrived.

Eli Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage, notes that while technology can be helpful in certain contexts, it often creates an illusion of intimacy that is no substitute for the real thing (Finkel, 2017).

Sure, AI companions can offer support without judgment, but they lack the complexity, unpredictability, and emotional depth that real human relationships provide. As Finkel points out, the richness of human intimacy comes from the “messy” parts of life—the arguments, the apologies, the vulnerability. AI, for all its strengths, can never replicate this.

A recent study by Hiroshi Ishiguro, a robotics expert at Osaka University, examined how people interact with AI companions versus human partners.

The results were startling: participants reported feeling more comfortable sharing emotions with their AI companion than their human partner (Ishiguro et al., 2023).

But here’s the kicker—those same participants also reported feeling more disconnected from their real-life partners after extended interaction with the AI. Emotional intimacy isn’t just about comfort. It’s about risk, depth, and mutual vulnerability—things that AI will never be able to replicate.

Emotional Intimacy: Not Just About Talking, But How We Talk

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that emotional intimacy is about how much we communicate.

But in truth, it’s about how we communicate.

John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, has found that the most successful couples engage in what he calls “turning toward” behavior (Gottman & Silver, 2015). This means that in the small moments of everyday life—when your partner makes a comment, asks a question, or expresses a feeling—you respond with engagement and interest. It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about showing up, over and over, in the small moments.

Here’s the catch: technology is making it harder to “turn toward” our partners.

Every notification, every beep, every scroll through our feeds pulls us away from those micro-moments of connection. And the more we miss these moments, the more we erode the foundation of emotional intimacy.

Gottman’s research shows that couples who regularly miss these turning points are more likely to experience dissatisfaction and disconnection. In other words, those little interruptions are a big deal.

The Silent Impact of Tech on Emotional Availability

You’ve heard of “ghosting” in dating, but have you ever thought about what it means to be emotionally unavailable in a long-term relationship?

Esther Perel, renowned therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, describes emotional availability as the ability to be fully present and attuned to your partner’s emotional world (Perel, 2007). When technology constantly pulls our attention elsewhere, we become emotionally unavailable, even when we’re physically present.

This unavailability creates a subtle but pervasive distance in relationships.

Our partners can sense when we’re not fully there.

They feel it in the way our eyes flick to our phones during conversations, or in the half-hearted nods we give when we’re not really listening.

Over time, this distance accumulates, leading to feelings of loneliness and neglect. Research by the Gottman Institute suggests that emotional unavailability is one of the primary predictors of relationship dissatisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

How to Reclaim Emotional Intimacy in a Tech-Obsessed World

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, I’m guilty of this. Now what?”—don’t worry. The good news is that emotional intimacy can be rebuilt, and it starts with small, intentional changes.

• Create “Sacred Spaces” for Connection
  Designate certain times or areas of your home as tech-free zones. Whether it’s the bedroom or the dinner table, create spaces where you and your partner can connect without digital distractions. This simple step signals to your partner that your time together is a priority.

• Practice “Tech Mindfulness”
  Instead of trying to quit your devices cold turkey (which is unrealistic), practice mindful tech use. Be aware of when you’re reaching for your phone, and ask yourself: Is this moment more important than the connection I’m sharing with my partner right now?

• Prioritize Face-to-Face Communication
  Harvard psychologist Robert Waldinger, who directs the longest-running study on happiness, found that face-to-face communication is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction (Waldinger, 2016). Schedule regular times to check in with your partner—not through text, but in person.

• Engage in Meaningful Conversation
  Deep, meaningful conversations don’t just happen—they need to be cultivated. Ask open-ended questions, listen without interrupting, and share your vulnerabilities. Remember, emotional intimacy isn’t about talking more—it’s about talking deeper.

Surviving Love in the Age of AI

We are constantly bombarded with digital stimuli, and it ain’t slowing down.

Maintaining emotional intimacy in our relationships will increasingly become a herculean task.

But it’s not impossible.

While AI and technology offer convenience and even comfort, they can never replace the deep, messy, beautiful human connection that makes relationships truly fulfilling.

Consider making small, intentional changes—like creating tech-free zones, practicing mindful tech use, and prioritizing face-to-face communication—you just might improve the emotional intimacy in your relationship.

After all, no device, no matter how sophisticated, can replace the warmth of human touch, the vulnerability of shared emotions, or the magic of simply being fully present with someone you love.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Carr, N. (2010). The shallows: What the Internet is doing to our brains. W.W. Norton & Company.

Deloitte. (2022). Mobile Consumer Survey.

Finkel, E. (2017). The all-or-nothing marriage: How the best marriages work. Dutton.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony.

Ishiguro, H., Saito, M., & Nakamura, Y. (2023). Emotional connections with AI companions: A comparative study. Journal of Human-Robot Interaction.

Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.

Turkle, S. (2017). Alone together: Why we expect more from technology and less from each other. Basic Books.

Waldinger, R. (2016). The Harvard Study of Adult Development: Lessons learned from 75 years of data. American Journal of Psychiatry.