Emotional abuse and marital conflict quiz
Tuesday, May 21, 2024. Revised and updated.
Emotional abuse is distinct from physical domestic violence. While it may not leave visible scars, its impact can be equally damaging.
Emotional abuse combines two of Dr. John Gottman's Four Horsemen—contempt and criticism—built on a foundation of manipulative and controlling behaviors.
The central goal of emotional abuse is to dominate and control the partner through psychological means.
Emotional Abuse vs. Domestic Violence
Emotional abuse can be seen as "domestic violence lite." It can either foreshadow physical domestic violence or replace it, especially if physical abuse has drawn law enforcement attention. The primary objective remains control, but instead of physical intimidation, emotional abusers use psychological tactics such as chronic put-downs, bullying, insults, and social ostracism.
Identifying Perpetrators of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can be subtle and often exists on a continuum. Some marriages experience occasional emotional abuse, while others have a high level of ongoing abuse. Recognizing emotional abuse can be challenging, particularly for therapists without proper training. Cultural expectations often skew our perceptions, leading to a misconception that men are the primary abusers. Research shows that emotional abuse is equally perpetrated by both men and women.
Personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, are often correlated with emotional abuse. Individuals who experienced maltreatment in their families of origin may repeat these maladaptive behaviors in adult relationships. Our early bonding experiences shape our ability to form healthy attachments later in life.
The Pitfalls for Therapists
Victims of emotional abuse may not recognize their victimization, often blaming themselves. As Dr. John Gottman notes, some partners develop a deep sense of betrayal and inconsolability, which can be symptoms of enduring emotional abuse.
Consider the case of a husband unable to be by his wife’s side during an unexpected illness. Despite his efforts to return home quickly, his wife harbored a twenty-year resentment, continually belittling him and comparing him unfavorably to a past lover. This long-term emotional abuse went unrecognized by their therapist, who mistakenly framed it as an attachment injury. Proper scientific understanding and intervention could have alleviated years of pain and disconnection.
Assessing Emotional Abuse
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Neil Jacobsen developed a 27-question survey to assess emotional abuse patterns clinically.
This tool is invaluable for therapists, providing a structured way to identify and address emotional abuse in relationships.
The Gottman/Jacobsen Emotional Abuse Questionnaire:
Tries to catch me with inconsistencies to show that I am lying.
Tries to convince other people that I am crazy.
Tells other people there is something wrong with me.
Says things that hurt me out of spite.
Has told me that I am sexually unattractive.
Tells me that I am sexually inadequate.
Insults my religious background and beliefs.
Insults my ethnic background.
Insults my family.
Talks me into doing things that make me feel bad afterward.
Tells me no one else would ever want me.
Humiliates me in front of others.
Makes me do degrading things.
Questions my sanity.
Tells other people personal information or secrets about me.
Verbally attacks my personality.
Has insulted me by telling me that I am incompetent or stupid.
Ridicules me.
Forces me to do things against my will.
Questions whether my love is true.
Compares me unfavorably to other partners.
Intentionally does things to scare me.
Threatens me physically during arguments.
Warns me if I do something, violence will follow.
Our arguments escalate out of control.
I’m worried most when my partner is quiet.
Drives too recklessly or too fast when (s)he is angry.
Scoring:
Never – 1 point
Rarely – 2 points
Occasionally – 3 points
Very often – 4 points
Results:
95+ points: Indicates extreme emotional abuse, higher than the average domestic violence victim.
73-94 points: You are a victim of emotional abuse.
54-72 points: Emotional abuse is emerging. Seek couples therapy soon.
Clinical Treatment Goals
Treatment varies based on the severity of emotional abuse. For those motivated to change, science-based couples therapy can be effective. Individual counseling may also be necessary. However, severe cases are often resistant to change.
Treatment Goals Include:
Accept Responsibility: Perpetrators must take full responsibility for their actions.
Slow Down: Learn to recognize and interrupt patterns of abusive behavior.
Restore the Emotional Bank Account: Replace aggressive behaviors with kind, thoughtful actions.
Master Self-Soothing: Use time-outs and self-soothing techniques.
Assume a New Stance: Approach conflict with empathy and understanding.
Avoid Smugness: Recognize that change takes time and ongoing effort.
Accountability for Backsliding: Maintain full responsibility for any regressions.
When Your Partner Isn’t Invested in Change
If your partner is not willing to change, prioritize your self-care:
Put Your Own Needs First: Focus on your well-being instead of placating your partner.
Establish Boundaries: Clearly state that abusive behavior is unacceptable and leave the situation if necessary.
Withdraw: Don’t engage with verbal assaults; remove yourself from the interaction.
Stop Persuading: Avoid trying to reason with your partner. They need to realize their behavior is ineffective.
Emotional abuse is a serious issue that requires careful attention and intervention. By understanding and addressing these behaviors, both victims and perpetrators can work towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
