Is eloping making a comeback?

Wednesday, July 17, 2024.

Eloping, the act of running away to get married, has long been cloaked in an air of romance and rebellion.

For centuries, couples have chosen this path for various reasons, ranging from escaping familial opposition to seeking a more intimate and personal ceremony.

As a couples therapist with a keen interest in the social sciences, exploring the history and psychological underpinnings of eloping offers valuable insights into its enduring appeal and evolving role in modern relationships.

What is Eloping?

Elopement, derived from the Old English word "gelūpan," meaning to leap or spring, historically referred to couples who fled to marry secretly, often without parental consent.

This act was both a defiance of societal norms and a pragmatic solution to various obstacles that thwarted traditional marriage.

In medieval Europe, marriage was a significant social contract, often arranged by families to consolidate wealth, power, and land.

Love, while considered desirable, was not the primary motivation for marriage.

Consequently, young couples in love, particularly those from different social standings, often found themselves at odds with the wishes of their families. Eloping provided a way to circumvent these constraints. Eloping and rebelling are first cousins. Elopement defies the social order.

• One notable historical reference is the "Gretna Green" elopements in 18th-century Scotland. English couples, bound by restrictive marriage laws that required parental consent for those under 21, would cross the border to Gretna Green, where Scottish law allowed couples to marry without such restrictions. The village became synonymous with runaway weddings, symbolizing both freedom and defiance (Lystra, 1989).

Psychological perspectives on eloping

From a psychological standpoint, eloping can be viewed through various lenses.

• One perspective is the desire for autonomy and control over one’s life choices. Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development suggest that young adults grapple with the challenge of intimacy versus isolation. Eloping allows couples to assert their independence and commitment to each other, often in the face of external pressures and expectations.

• Additionally, the decision to elope can be seen as a reaction to stress and conflict. Research by Holmes and Rahe (1967) on life stressors identifies marriage as a significant life event. The added pressure of familial expectations and societal norms can heighten stress levels, making elopement an attractive option to reduce anxiety and focus on the relationship.

• The concept of romantic love as a driving force for marriage gained prominence during the Romantic era of the late 18th and early 19th centuries. This period emphasized individual emotions and the pursuit of personal happiness. Eloping resonated with these ideals, offering a way to prioritize romantic love over social conventions (Stone, 2012).

Modern Elopement: A changing landscape

• In contemporary society, the reasons for eloping have diversified. But it is becoming a thing.

• While some couples still elope to escape familial opposition, many choose this path for its simplicity, cost-effectiveness, and the desire for a unique, personalized experience.

• The rise of destination weddings and the growing acceptance of non-traditional marriage ceremonies have also contributed to the popularity of elopements.

• Interestingly, the COVID-19 pandemic has further influenced the trend towards eloping. With restrictions on gatherings and the complexities of planning large events, many couples have opted for intimate elopements, finding creative ways to celebrate their love despite challenging circumstances (Murray, 2021).

The social science behind eloping

Social science research provides valuable insights into the motivations and implications of eloping.

• A study by Bodenmann, Ledermann, and Bradbury (2007) on relationship stress and coping highlights how couples who elope may experience less stress related to wedding planning and familial conflict. This can positively impact their relationship satisfaction and stability.

• Furthermore, the concept of "we-ness" or shared identity in relationships, explored by Acitelli, Rogers, and Knee (1999), suggests that eloping can strengthen the bond between partners. By making a joint decision to elope, couples may reinforce their sense of unity and commitment, laying a strong foundation for their married life.

Final thoughts

Eloping, with its rich history and multifaceted motivations, continues to captivate couples worldwide.

Whether driven by a desire for autonomy, a response to stress, or a quest for a more intimate celebration, elopement embodies the timeless appeal of love that transcends societal norms.

Eloping is differentiated, rebellious, and transcendent, all at the same time.

As a couples therapist, when taking a relationship history, understanding that your couple had eloped to start their life together can provide valuable perspectives for supporting them as they engage with their current relational challenges.

In other words, eloping is sometimes a hallmark of a well-differentiated self.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Acitelli, L. K., Rogers, S., & Knee, C. R. (1999). The role of identity in the link between relationship thinking and commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 16(5), 591-618.

Bodenmann, G., Ledermann, T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2007). Stress, sex, and satisfaction in marriage. Personal Relationships, 14(4), 551-569.

Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The Social Readjustment Rating Scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213-218.

Lystra, K. (1989). Searching the Heart: Women, Men, and Romantic Love in Nineteenth-Century America. Oxford University Press.

Murray, C. (2021). Weddings in the time of COVID-19: Planning, postponing, and coping. Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences, 113(1), 15-20.

Stone, L. (2012). The Family, Sex and Marriage in England 1500-1800. Penguin Books.