Why does a hot and heavy start to a relationship tend toward eventual disappointment, and divorce?
Monday, September 11. 2023. This one is for KM.
A study which followed 168 couples from their wedding day, and as they moved through time for 13 years has uncovered what is perhaps the oddest, most counter-intuitive sign of future divorce…
The study suggests that couples that are excessively and persistently affectionate during the first few years of marriage is a red flag a couple will divorce in the future.
While hugging and kissing is normal, being all over each other much of the time is a bad sign for relationship stability. If love at first sight is a factor, that too has been carefully studied.
This level of romantic attachment is nearly impossible to maintain, after the surly bounds of limerence slip off the psyche.
Couples who start out with over-abundant passionate tend to get disillusioned over time. They think that they are lucky in love, but once these intense couples start to flag, the letdown is often epic.
On the other hand, the slow and steady couples who stay together often have a less intense romance during the critical first few years of marriage. They’re better situated when the honeymoon phase wears off.
How the study was conducted
The conclusions come from a study of 168 couples who were followed over 13 years, right from the date of their actual wedding.
The researchers looked at what predicted marriages that would end quickly, and what were the indications that suggested it would break down eventually over time?
The study’s authors write:
“As newlyweds, the couples who divorced after seven or more years were almost giddily affectionate, displaying about one third more affection than did spouses who were later happily married.”
In marriages that broke down more quickly, the red flags were waving early — certainly within the first two months.
The researchers also noted that couples who divorced within two years were at each other’s throats from the get-go.
Talk about relational ambivalence!
The authors summed it up:
“The results provide little support for the idea that emergence of distress (e.g., increasing negativity) early in marriage leads to marital failure but instead show that disillusionment — as reflected in an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a lessening of the conviction that one’s spouse is responsive, and an increase in ambivalence — distinguishes couples headed for divorce from those who establish a stable marital bond.”
Passion is not certainty… it just feels like it
Researchers are increasingly curious about relationship expectations. Some pundits, such as Ester Perel, advise against unreasonably high expectations.
I tend to side with John Gottman who said expectations must be collaboratively maintained.
However, this research is deep dive into how tragic the consequences for couples who enter marriage with such co-created nosebleed high expectations, with little more than passion to sustain them. They can’t run the long marathon that leads to true we-ness.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Huston TL, Caughlin JP, Houts RM, Smith SE, George LJ. The connubial crucible: newlywed years as predictors of marital delight, distress, and divorce. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2001 Feb;80(2):237-52. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.80.2.237. PMID: 11220443.
