Digital Intimacy and Relationship Maintenance in the Age of Social Media

Sunday, September 1, 2024.

In today’s world, social media is as much a part of our relationships as candlelit dinners and whispered sweet nothings—only now, the candles are LED, and the sweet nothings are often emojis.

Social media has become a central part of how couples connect, communicate, and navigate their shared lives.

But while it offers new opportunities for intimacy (and the occasional couple selfie), it also presents challenges that our grandparents never had to consider.

As a couples therapist, understanding these dynamics and helping couples navigate them can be crucial to keeping relationships healthy. I’ll include some tips on applying the latest research for my colleagues.

Attachment Styles in the Digital Age: How We Relate Online

Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, gives us a framework for understanding how we form and maintain emotional bonds with others. While Bowlby probably never imagined a world where couples would argue over who double-tapped whose photo, his insights are more relevant than ever in the age of social media.

Anxious Attachment: The “Text Me Back!” Dilemma

If you’re someone with an Anxious Attachment style, social media can be a minefield.

The constant need for closeness and reassurance can manifest as frequent texting, monitoring your partner’s social media activity, and seeking validation through likes and comments.

And let’s be honest, waiting for that little “seen” checkmark can feel like an eternity.

Research by Utz and Beukeboom (2011) found that social media use can actually intensify feelings of jealousy and insecurity in anxious partners.

So if your partner isn’t quick on the texting draw, it might not be because they’re plotting to run away with the barista who gave them extra foam. It’s probably just that they’re busy or—gasp!—taking a break from their phone.

Encourage couples to discuss their digital communication expectations openly. Setting mutually agreed-upon guidelines, like response times for texts or limits on social media sharing, can help anxious individuals feel more secure while giving their partners the space they need. Plus, it might just save that barista from being the unintentional third wheel in your relationship.

Avoidant Attachment: The “I Need My Space” Online

On the flip side, if you have an Avoidant Attachment style, you might view social media as a necessary evil—like taking out the trash or going to the dentist. You value your independence and might prefer to keep your online presence minimal. The constant connectivity of social media can feel intrusive or, dare I say, suffocating. I find myself in this camp.

A meta-analysis by Wardecker, Chopik, and Edelstein (2021) found that avoidant partners are less likely to use social media for relational maintenance. Instead, they might engage with content that supports their need for autonomy, such as following pages related to solo activities like hiking, cooking for one, or “How to Politely Decline a Text.”

Help avoidant clients articulate their need for digital space in a way that their partners can understand. This might involve setting boundaries around when and how they use social media, ensuring that both partners’ needs are respected. Because, let’s be real, everyone deserves a little digital “me time.”

The Role of Digital Boundaries: Navigating Online Spaces with Care

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, and they’re especially important when it comes to social media. Without clear boundaries, social media can become a source of stress, conflict, and even relationship dissatisfaction. Kind of like that one drawer where you keep all the random stuff you don’t know what to do with—eventually, it overflows.

Sharing vs. Oversharing: The Public/Private Balance

One of the biggest challenges couples face is deciding what aspects of their relationship to share publicly.

Social media platforms encourage us to present curated versions of our lives, but the pressure to maintain a “perfect” online image can create tension behind the scenes.

After all, those couples who always post “We’re so in love!” photos don’t show the 15 outtakes where one of them blinked, tripped, or said, “Can we just get this over with?”

Research by Chou and Edge (2012) found that exposure to others’ idealized representations on social media can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction in one’s own relationship.

This is particularly true when couples compare their real-life relationship to the seemingly flawless lives of others online. Spoiler alert: No one’s relationship is flawless, not even the couple with matching yoga mats.

Encourage couples to have open conversations about their social media presence. What are they comfortable sharing? What do they prefer to keep private? By aligning on these issues, couples can reduce the risk of misunderstandings and maintain a healthier online-offline balance. And who knows, they might even find that life’s better lived in the moment than through an Instagram filter.

Social Media and Conflict: The Digital Battleground

Social media can also become a battleground for relationship conflicts.

Public arguments, passive-aggressive posts, and vague status updates can all contribute to a toxic online environment. A study by Fox, Warber, and Makstaller (2013) found that couples who engaged in conflict through social media were more likely to experience lower relationship satisfaction.

One reason for this is the lack of nuance in online communication.

Without nonverbal cues, it’s easy for messages to be misinterpreted, leading to escalated conflicts. Additionally, airing grievances online can invite third-party opinions, complicating the resolution process. And let’s be honest, no one needs Aunt Judy weighing in with “You’re too good for him, sweetie!”

Advise couples to keep conflict resolution off social media. Encourage them to address issues in person or through private, direct communication rather than through public posts. Because the world doesn’t need to know that you’re mad your partner didn’t do the dishes—again.

The Influence of Algorithms: How Social Media Shapes Relationship Perception

Social media platforms are designed to keep us engaged, and they do so by tailoring content to our interests.

While this can be entertaining, it can also shape how we perceive our relationships in subtle ways. It’s like the “You Might Like This” section of Netflix—except instead of movie recommendations, it’s subtly influencing how you feel about your partner.

The “You Might Like This” Trap: Reinforcing Biases

Algorithms learn from our behavior, showing us more of what we engage with. If you frequently click on content related to relationship advice, for example, you might start seeing more posts about relationship problems, which could influence how you view your own relationship.

Research by the brilliant and prolific Eli Finkel et al. (2012) suggests that exposure to relationship-related content on social media can influence individuals’ expectations and satisfaction.

For example, if you’re constantly seeing posts about “perfect” relationships, you might start to feel that your own relationship is lacking, even if it’s perfectly healthy. It’s like watching a cooking show and then looking at your own sad cuisine consisting of a bowl of Captain Crunch—you’re doing fine, but it doesn’t always feel that way.

Encourage couples to be mindful of the content they engage with online. Remind them that social media is a curated experience, not an accurate reflection of reality. Taking regular breaks from social media or curating a feed that promotes positive, realistic portrayals of relationships can help mitigate the impact of algorithmic bias. After all, sometimes ignorance really is bliss—or at least less stressful.

Virtual Support Networks: The Double-Edged Sword of Online Communities

Social media has given rise to a variety of virtual support networks—from Facebook groups to online forums—where couples can seek advice, share experiences, and find community. While these spaces can be valuable, they also come with risks. Kind of like a potluck: you might find something delicious, or you might end up with an unexpected mystery casserole.

The Good: Finding Connection and Support

For couples who feel isolated or are struggling with specific issues, online support networks can provide a sense of connection and solidarity.

A study by Barak, Boniel-Nissim, and Suler (2008) found that online communities can offer emotional support, reduce feelings of isolation, and even improve relationship satisfaction.

These networks can be particularly helpful for couples dealing with stigmatized issues, such as infertility, where finding support in the offline world might be more challenging. Sometimes, knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference—even if it’s through a screen.

The Bad: Comparison Stress and Misinformation

However, not all advice found online is created equal.

Misinformation, harmful stereotypes, and overly simplistic solutions can do more harm than good.

Additionally, comparing oneself to others in these communities can lead to stress and unrealistic expectations. Remember, just because someone online swears by daily affirmations and crystal healing doesn’t mean it’s the right solution for your relationship.

A study by Vogel, Rose, Roberts, and Eckles (2014) found that folks who frequently compared themselves to others on social media were more likely to experience negative emotions and lower self-esteem. In a relationship context, this can translate to feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction. So before you join that “Perfect Relationships Only” group, remember that perfect doesn’t exist—online or offline.

Encourage couples to use online support networks judiciously. They should seek out reputable, evidence-based communities and be cautious of advice that seems overly simplistic or harmful.

Remind them that while these networks can be a valuable resource, they should not replace professional guidance or real-life support.

And if they come across a post promising a “miracle cure” for relationship woes, it’s probably best to scroll on by—unless it’s a miracle involving more open communication and mutual respect, in which case, I’m all for it!

Final thoughts

Social media isn’t going anywhere, and neither is its impact on our relationships.

It’s a tool that can enhance or detract from a relationship, depending on how it’s used—kind of like a blender. In the right hands, it can create something nourishing and delicious, but if you’re not careful, you might end up with a mess.

By understanding the psychological dynamics at play, setting clear boundaries, being mindful of algorithmic influences, and using virtual support networks wisely, couples can navigate the complexities of digital intimacy with greater awareness and care.

And remember, sometimes the best way to keep a relationship strong is to put down the phone, look each other in the eye, and enjoy some good old-fashioned face-to-face time. After all, there’s no emoji that can replace a real hug—or the satisfaction of finally winning an argument without an audience.

So, whether you’re the type who needs constant reassurance or someone who values their digital space, whether you’re an oversharer or a keep-it-to-yourself type, there’s a way to make social media work for your relationship rather than against it.

And if all else fails, well, you can always unplug and just be with each other. In the end, it’s those offline moments that build the real foundation of intimacy—no Wi-Fi required. Happy Labor Day!

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Barak, A., Boniel-Nissim, M., & Suler, J. (2008). Fostering empowerment in online support groups. Computers in Human Behavior, 24(5), 1867-1883. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2008.02.004

Chou, H. T. G., & Edge, N. (2012). “They are happier and having better lives than I am”: The impact of using Facebook on perceptions of others’ lives. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(2), 117-121. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2011.0324

Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2012). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 23(1), 1-41. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2012.659134

Fox, J., Warber, K. M., & Makstaller, D. C. (2013). The role of Facebook in romantic relationship development. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 16(1), 3-7. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0086

Utz, S., & Beukeboom, C. J. (2011). The role of social network sites in romantic relationships: Effects on jealousy and relationship happiness. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 16(4), 511-527. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1083-6101.2011.01552.x

Wardecker, B. M., Chopik, W. J., & Edelstein, R. S. (2021). Attachment and social media use: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(1), 279-303. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520954562

Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047