The Covert Narcissist Divorce: A Couples Therapist's Perspective

Wednesday, August 14, 2024.

Divorce is challenging under the best of circumstances, but when one or both parties involved are covert narcissists, the experience can reach a whole new level of complexity.

Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists don’t flaunt their egos with grandiosity; instead, they wrap themselves in a cloak of victimhood, often making the divorce process feel like a slow, emotional death by a thousand cuts.

As a couples therapist, I've seen both men and women navigate this treacherous terrain, and the dynamics are as fascinating as they are frustrating.

The Covert Narcissistic Wife: The Quiet Assassin

Sarah is a 40-year-old stay-at-home mom who's been married to John for 15 years. On the surface, Sarah appears to be the perfect wife—attentive, soft-spoken, and always putting her family first. However, as their marriage began to crumble, John's perception of Sarah started to shift. She was no longer just passive-aggressive; she was passive-aggressively strategic.

Covert narcissistic wives often operate like quiet assassins during the divorce process.

They don’t yell or throw things; instead, they undermine their partner’s credibility in subtle ways. They plant seeds of doubt in the minds of friends, family, and even their children, positioning themselves as the innocent victims of an unfeeling spouse.

Sarah, for instance, started attending therapy (alone, of course) and would casually drop hints to John about how her therapist was helping her realize how “emotionally abusive” and “self-absorbed” he had become.

John, bewildered, found himself increasingly isolated as Sarah subtly gathered her allies. She wasn’t just planning for a divorce; she was building a case—one in which she would emerge as the tragic heroine.

In therapy, these covert narcissistic wives often present themselves as the picture of reasonableness, expressing sorrow over the marriage’s end while skillfully painting their husbands as the irrational ones.

They employ a tactic that psychologist and researcher Craig Malkin has documented: They can intellectually understand their partner's emotions but remain emotionally detached, allowing them to manipulate the narrative while appearing emotionally attuned (Malkin, 2015).

The Covert Narcissistic Husband: The Martyr Complex

On the flip side, let’s meet Tom, a 50-year-old financial advisor who’s been married to Lisa for 20 years. Tom is the type of guy who’s always been there for everyone—except, perhaps, Lisa. He’s the guy who’ll give you the shirt off his back but will make sure everyone knows it, even if it’s just in a humble-brag sort of way.

When Lisa filed for divorce, Tom was devastated—or so he claimed.

In reality, Tom saw the divorce as yet another opportunity to play the martyr.

Covert narcissistic husbands like Tom thrive on the attention they receive as the “wronged” party.

They’ll tell anyone who will listen about how they tried everything to save the marriage, how they’ve been unfairly cast aside despite their best efforts.

In therapy, Tom would often express his deep sadness, his concern for the children, and his desire to keep things amicable. However, behind closed doors, he was anything but.

Tom began subtly undermining Lisa's decisions regarding the children, painting her as an unstable mother who couldn’t be trusted.

He made sure to document every minor misstep she made, from being late to a school pickup to forgetting to sign a permission slip.

These covert narcissistic husbands are masters of the “pity play,” a manipulation technique where they use their supposed suffering to control the situation.

According to research, this form of emotional manipulation can be particularly insidious because it exploits societal expectations of male stoicism and female caregiving, making it difficult for their spouses to counteract without appearing cold or unfeeling (Simon, 2010).

The Battle of the Silent Saboteurs

What’s particularly interesting—and troubling—about divorces involving covert narcissists of both genders is the sheer level of psychological warfare at play.

These folks are not interested in overt confrontations; they prefer to play the long game, chipping away at their spouse’s mental health while appearing to be the reasonable, if not suffering, party.

The covert narcissist’s weapon of choice is ambiguity.

They often leave their partners second-guessing themselves, unsure of what’s real and what’s not.

This can lead to what psychologists refer to as “gaslighting,” where the victim begins to doubt their own perceptions and sanity.

In a divorce, this can manifest as one partner subtly shifting blame for the marriage's breakdown onto the other, all while maintaining a façade of concern and empathy (Yudofsky, 2005).

For example, Sarah might say, “I really wish we could have worked things out, but you never seemed interested in trying.” Meanwhile, Tom might lament, “I just want what’s best for the kids, even if that means stepping back and letting you take the lead.” Both statements are designed to make the other person feel guilty, even if they’ve done nothing wrong.

The Therapist's Role: Engaging the Narcissist

As a couples therapist, one of the most challenging aspects of dealing with covert narcissists during a divorce is helping their spouses see the manipulation for what it is.

Covert narcissists are adept at presenting themselves as the victim, which can make it difficult for even experienced therapists to recognize the full extent of their manipulation. These folks are tough.

In therapy, the goal is to help the non-narcissistic spouse regain their sense of self and reality. This often involves validating their experiences, providing them with tools to counteract the gaslighting, and helping them develop a clear plan for moving forward.

For the covert narcissist, therapy can be a double-edged sword.

While they may initially use it as another stage to play out their martyrdom or victimhood, a skilled therapist can begin to unpack their narrative, challenging them to confront their own behaviors.

However, this is often met with resistance, as covert narcissists are highly skilled at deflecting responsibility and maintaining their carefully constructed self-image (Campbell & Miller, 2011).

Final thoughts

Divorcing a covert narcissist is often a war of attrition.

It’s not about who can yell the loudest or who can hire the best lawyer; it’s about who can endure the longest. The covert narcissist’s goal is not just to win the divorce but to come out of it with their self-image intact, even if it means leaving their spouse emotionally and psychologically battered.

For anyone going through this process, understanding the covert narcissist’s tactics is the first step in defending against them. It’s also crucial to find a therapist who can see through the manipulation and offer the support needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Divorce is never easy, but with the right tools and support, it’s possible to emerge from the experience stronger and more self-aware. And perhaps, leaving chagrin behind, one might even look back and see the absurdity in the covert narcissist’s elaborate charade.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments. John Wiley & Sons.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special. Harper Wave.

Simon, G. (2010). In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. A.J. Christopher & Co.

Yudofsky, S. C. (2005). Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships with People with Disorders of Personality and Character. American Psychiatric Publishing.