Compersion Fatigue: When Radical Love Starts to Feel Like Emotional Crossfit
Tuesday, May 6, 2025.
I love that you love her. I’m just… really tired.
You’ve done the inner work. You’ve read The Ethical Slut. You’ve journaled about jealousy, lit candles, done breathwork, and talked yourself through your partner’s giddy post-date glow with the patience of a saint and the emotional endurance of an Olympic decathlete.
But lately, every time they say, “You’d really like them?”—you feel your eye twitch.
Welcome to Compersion Fatigue—the emotional burnout that can hit even the most enlightened polyamorous, open, or non-monogamous soul.
What Is Compersion (And Why Did It Become a Job)?
Compersion, a term popularized in the polyamorous community, refers to the positive emotional experience of seeing your partner experience pleasure, joy, or love with someone else. It’s the empathy-based opposite of jealousy—a kind of erotic altruism (Aviram & Leachman, 2015).
In theory, compersion is beautiful. In practice, it can become an emotional expectation.
And when the expectation to feel joy overrides your need for rest, clarity, or boundaries, you don’t get connection. You get resentment dressed in radical ethics.
What Compersion Fatigue Feels Like
Smiling while dissociating.
Performing enthusiasm while privately unraveling.
Thinking, “I’m happy for them,” but also, “Do they even notice I’m depleted?”
Feeling like you’re doing relationship emotional labor alone, under the guise of being progressive.
It’s not that you want monogamy. You just want a nap. And a partner who notices when you’re at capacity.
When Compersion Becomes Emotional Overfunctioning
In polyamorous dynamics, especially in communities steeped in intentional ethics and self-work, there’s often pressure to be “good at poly.” That means:
Talking it out (endlessly).
Managing jealousy (perfectly).
Supporting metamours (with grace and snacks).
This often falls harder on femme, neurodivergent, or trauma-survivor partners—those already socialized to downplay their needs in order to preserve harmony (Kim, 2021).
Compersion becomes emotional currency. And if you can’t conjure it on demand? You feel selfish. Or broken. Or “not poly enough.”
The Neurodivergent Layer
For neurodivergent partners—especially those with ADHD, autism, or sensory processing sensitivities—compersion fatigue can hit faster and deeper. According to Kapp et al. (2013), neurodivergent individuals may require more predictability, direct communication, and emotional pacing to feel secure.
So watching a partner fall in love with someone new—while navigating multiple shifting dynamics, spontaneous schedule changes, and overstimulation—can be more than just hard. It can be overwhelming to the point of burnout.
It’s not jealousy. It’s executive dysfunction meets relational entropy.
The Science of Emotional Capacity
You are not an infinite well of grace. No one is. Emotional labor, even when consensual and chosen, still takes cognitive energy. According to Muraven & Baumeister’s (2000) “ego depletion” theory, sustained self-regulation leads to reduced capacity for future self-control—yes, even in love.
You can be enlightened and exhausted. Spiritually open and completely over it.
Signs You’re in Compersion Fatigue
You dread your partner’s date nights—not out of jealousy, but sheer emotional cost.
You feel guilty for needing reassurance…again.
You’ve stopped bringing up your needs because you don’t want to seem “needy.”
You’re doing more emotional processing than pleasure-seeking.
How to Recover Without Giving Up
Stop Performing Enlightenment
You don’t owe anyone a smile while you’re hurting. Honor the truth of your feelings before the ideal of your philosophy.
Reestablish Emotional Reciprocity
If you’re holding space for your partner’s joy, make sure they can hold space for your overwhelm. Radical love goes both ways.
Build in Recovery Windows
Take breaks from active processing. Pause deep talks. Go outside. Touch grass. Watch Nailed It. You’re allowed joy that doesn’t come with a Google Doc.
Embrace Slow Poly
Not all polyamory has to move at New Relationship Energy speed. Slow poly prioritizes pacing, presence, and sustainable connection.
Use Concrete, Clear, Unapologetic Language
“I’m not mad you’re dating. I’m just at capacity.” or “I support your connection, but I also need some time to reconnect with myself.”
Final Thought: You’re Not Broken. You’re Burnt Out.
Compersion fatigue doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re a human with finite bandwidth, practicing love in a system that sometimes forgets to check in.
Let your needs be sacred. Let your limits be holy.
And let compersion be something you give from fullness, not obligation.
Be Well, Stay Kind. and Godspeed
REFERENCES:
Aviram, H., & Leachman, G. M. (2015). The future of polyamorous marriage: Lessons from the marriage equality struggle. Harvard Journal of Law & Gender, 38, 269–332.
Kapp, S. K., Gillespie-Lynch, K., Sherman, L. E., & Hutman, T. (2013). Deficit, difference, or both? Autism and neurodiversity. Developmental Psychology, 49(1), 59–71. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028353
Kim, M. H. (2021). Polyamory isn’t always safe for everyone. Them. https://www.them.us/story/polyamory-burnout-trauma-abuse
Muraven, M., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Self-regulation and depletion of limited resources: Does self-control resemble a muscle? Psychological Bulletin, 126(2), 247–259.