Circular conflict patterns in couples and the merits of systemic thinking

7/3/23. I met a giant in the field at the AFTA conference, my new friend Peter Fraenkel, author of “Last Chance Couples Therapy.”

Reading Peter’s book makes me appreciate that only 12% of the professionals who do couples therapy are trained as marriage and family therapists. The rest are social workers, mental health counselors, or psychologists.

Any good MFT program trains budding clinicians in the idea of circular, as opposed to linear conception of influence. Peter points out in his book that there are 3 primary circular patterns of problematic interactions. I’d like to take a peek at each of them with you, gentle reader, through a systemic lens.

There is a fundamental idea embedded in the notion of circular causality. And that idea is that when there is a conflict, everyone plays a role in maintaining the issue, all could use a dollop of healthy change, all could be equally curious about how to do better, even if the pattern always starts out with a solo song and dance.

Exploring circular conflict patterns between couples through a systemic structural family systems lens

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, and romantic partnerships are no exception. Couples often find themselves caught in repetitive cycles of conflict that seem to defy resolution.

However, by examining these conflicts through a systemic structural family systems lens, we can gain a deeper understanding of the circular patterns that emerge within couples and how they impact the dynamics of the relationship. This blog post explores the concept of circular conflict patterns and their significance within couples, drawing insights from systemic thinking.

• Understanding Systemic Structural Family Systems

Systemic structural family systems is a therapeutic approach that emphasizes understanding relationships within the context of the larger system in which they exist. It views the family unit or couple as an interconnected system of individuals, each influencing and being influenced by others. Within this framework, patterns of communication, power dynamics, and emotional interactions play a crucial role in shaping relationship dynamics.

• Circular Conflict Patterns

Circular conflict patterns refer to repetitive cycles of interaction and conflict within couples.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

These patterns often involve a circular sequence of actions and reactions, where each partner's behavior influences and triggers the other's response like a pinball machine.

Rather than attributing blame to one particular partner, systemic thinking helps us recognize that these patterns are a result of the couple's dynamics and the larger systems in which they are embedded. Yikes.

Examples of circular conflict patterns

• Pursuer-Distancer AKA the Demand-Withdraw Pattern: One partner pursues closeness and connection, while the other withdraws or becomes distant in response. This can lead to a cycle of the pursuer becoming more demanding, which further pushes the withdrawer away. The more…. the more. Eventually the pursuer gets pissed off, and is then deemed a “burned out pursuer.”

• Blamer-Placater: One partner criticizes or expresses often cranky and chronic dissatisfaction, and the other spouse takes full responsibility and guts themselves on the sword of complete responsibility whether it’s a fair assessment, or not. The placater is the sin-eater. They never ask their blaming counterpart to share responsibility. I gravitated toward placating in my failed relationships, so I get this one on a gut level.

• Overfunctioning-Underfunctioning: One partner may have a palpable lack of skill in a given area. Depression, anxiety, an addiction issue, untreated ADD, etc. The reasons we offer for our deficits are legion. What often results, according to Peter Fraenkel, is that the more one partner assumes more responsibility, the more the problem saturated partner shirks, often leading to a burgeoning and cascading resentment.

Systemic thinking and circular conflict patterns:

Systemic thinking provides us with a framework to explore circular conflict patterns and their underlying dynamics. Instead of focusing solely, as my clients prefer to do, on the content of the conflict.

Systemic thinking invites us to consider the context, interdependence, and broader systemic factors that contribute to the pattern's persistence.

Key Principles of Systemic Thinking

• Circular Causality: Circular conflict patterns highlight the reciprocal nature of relationships. Each partner's behavior both influences and is influenced by the other, creating a circular feedback loop. By recognizing this interplay, couples can break free from blame and explore how their actions contribute to the pattern.

• Hierarchies and Boundaries: Systemic structural family systems theory acknowledges the presence of hierarchies and boundaries within couples. Power dynamics and role expectations impact a couple’s conflict patterns. A good systemic couples therapist will know how to use these dynamics to help the client couples navigate their conflicts more effectively.

• Contextual Factors: Systemic thinking emphasizes the importance of understanding the broader system in which you live, feel, and think. This includes considering factors such as family history, cultural influences, and societal norms, all of which can shape the size and scope of the conflictual patterns.

Final thoughts

Examining circular conflict patterns within couples through a systemic structural family systems lens allows us to move beyond the bullsh*t of linear he-said, she-said, surface-level conflicts and probe more deeply into the emotional substrate.

When couples can glean the circular nature of these conflicts, and if they can remain curious about understanding how individual actions contribute to the overall toxic pattern, couples can begin to break free from repetitive cycles and foster a healthier and more fulfilling way of engaging around challenging, familiar issues. I can help with that.

REFERENCES:

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.

Nichols, M., & Schwartz, R. C. (2017). Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Pearson.

Conclusion: