8 Indications that your husband doesn’t respect you. Or is he, perhaps…neurodiverse?
Wednesday 7/5/23. A large part of my practice is working with a common dilemma in science-based couples therapy; the vivacious, emotionally savvy, sharp, and sensitive neurotypical wife, who is struggling with her quirky, cerebral, but emotionally more ponderous, neurodiverse husband.
He Seems to Just Lie For the Sake of Convenience. Some neurodiverse husbands may struggle with executive functioning skills, which can affect their ability to plan, prioritize, and organize household tasks effectively. This difficulty may lead to behaviors such as lying for convenience, as a way to cope with perceived emotional demands, or avoid potential conflicts.
It's important to note that not all neurodiverse men engage in this behavior, and the need to value honesty and open communication within any relationship is fu*king obvious.
He Sometimes Stonewalls Me, or Gives Me the Silent Treatment.
Some neurodiverse men may have difficulty processing and expressing emotions, leading to a more robust tendency to withdraw or shut down during conflicts or overwhelming situations.
The differences in emotional processing speed between the often slower ND partner and the NT partner is a familiar trope. But a subset of neuro diverse men actually feel emotions more suddenly and powerfully.
This behavior, known as stonewalling is common to all men, but for ND men, it can be a more habitual “go-to” coping mechanism for managing sensory overload or, in some cases, sudden emotional distress. It’s also superficially resembles a narcissistic withdrawal.
It also must be said, that stonewalling is stonewalling. That is to say, an involuntary physiological response that indicates a likely state of emotional overwhelm.
The notion of narcissistic stonewalling
Recently, I read a blog post from a thought leader I deeply respect with a rather unusual premise. The author posited that there is such a thing as “narcissistic stonewalling.”
However, IMHO, a discussion of “narcissistic stonewalling” confuses the issue.
The problem is that neurotypicals live in stories.
Who decides who is a narcissist? Who decides what behaviors are cooly and deliberately employed to inflict damage? Who gets to label and decide whether it’s honest to G_d stonewalling? Or a stone-cold manipulative withdrawal?
When the narcissist deems what you’re saying is a threat to their grandiose self-image, they typically respond with an aggressive, intentional response.
It’s when we make up stories about what a behavior means, that emotional gridlock takes over, and impedes the effort toward a shared understanding. That’s what the narcissist does when they are easily offended.
It’s ok, however, when you make a snap judgement…all by your lonesome…absent therapeutic input… because… you’re not a narcissist? Sez who?
It’s tricky isn’t it? What’s an ordinary citizen without a mental health degree to do? Let’s keep things simple… no matter what you think is going on…
If one of you gets flooded, take a time out…
I agree that it’s crucial to set and enforce boundaries, as my gentle colleague points out. It’s obviously true that you must unpack your spouse’s troubling behavior.
And you might already have a strong opinion about exactly what you’re dealing with. But please calm down your nervous systems first. Take the fu*king time out.
Don’t think that by reading a blog post, you can determine whether or not a time-out is a prudent option in an intensifying argument.
There is no such thing as an conventionally escalated situation with a partner who is unworthy of a time out.
The time out only privileges emotional regulation.
In verbally escalated, but otherwise non-violent circumstances, the time out is always your best first move. Because the only goal of a time out is to restore emotional regulation.
Please trust me on this… there is no clinically recognized behavioral plan “B” if your partner is a narcissist, and you’re flooded, which precludes taking a time out when a nervous system is entering diffuse physiological arousal (DPA).
. Maybe your pouting partner doesn’t need to…but you’ll still need to calm the fu*k down…then you can have a conversation about going into couples therapy to set and enforce boundaries.
You’ll need specific skills for this…
By working with a good couples therapist, you’ll be mapping areas of concern, while building effective communication strategies will help address this behavioral issue.
Creating a safe and supportive environment for expressing emotions comes from acquiring new skills and asking better questions. If one of you is neurodiverse, good couples therapy may help you accomplish that.
But if the “stonewalling” behavior isn’t characterized by physiological dysregulation… it isn’t stonewalling...it’s narcissistic theater. But you’ll still need to be emotional regulated to deal with your asshole.
He Discusses My Vulnerabilities and Imperfections Without Empathy.
Some neurodiverse husbands may have challenges with perspective-taking and understanding their neurotypical wife’s emotions.
This can result in a partner disregarding or ignoring their spouse's feelings or boundaries unintentionally.
He may lack a sufficiently conceptual overview for prudent conversational boundaries.
Sold, science-based couples therapy can help you both Build awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills.
If you’re dealing with neurodiversity, and not with malignant narcissism, a good therapist can offer you meaningful help toward fostering a healthier emotional connection within your relationship. I can help with that.
He Use Insulting and Abusive Language When He’s Pissed Off.
Neurodiverse husbands may experience a profound sensory overload or emotional flooding more intensely than neurotypical men. It resembles a meltdown… Yikes!
In times of heightened stress or overwhelm, your husband may struggle to regulate their nervous system and may inadvertently resort to using insulting or abusive language. These behaviors, while profoundly unacceptable, require careful boundaries and evidence-based best practices. No one should have to live with a rager. It’s abusive. Period.
If a Couple is Going to Gain Mastery Over their Cognitive Differences, there Must be Safety for Both Partners.
With a good couples therapist, you’ll learn to anticipate these meltdowns, and how to manage them better as a team. Although your husband may still experience meltdowns, your understanding of how to externalize the problem-saturated behavior, and manage it collaboratively is an essential, teachable skill.
Seeking professional help from a couples therapists who specializes in neurodiversity will help you develop strategies for managing and expressing your emotions with more care and intentionality
He Can’t Have a Normal Conversation Without Interrupting and Distracting Me. Neurodiverse husbands may also have challenges with attention regulation and impulse control.
This can lead to his interrupting, or diverting conversations with unrelated topics. These behaviors may be unintentional and a result of difficulties in maintaining focus or waiting for their turn to speak.
Open communication and setting boundaries around respectful conversation dynamics can help address this issue. Most importantly, a well-trained couples therapist can also help you to speak more briefly and be less “paragraphy”.. a common challenge for neurotypical wives. Many couples benefit from formal protocols such as the Gottman “Dreams Within Conflict” intervention.
He Sometimes Acts LIke He Can Control My Access to Money, Transportation, or People.
It's obvious that controlling behavior and making decisions without considering your partner's input is a pretty alarming behavior..
While neurodiversity itself does not explain these actions, it's worth noting that certain traits associated with neurodivergent conditions, such as a need for structure or a preference for routine, may initiate to a desire to control an outcome.
Engaging in open and respectful discussions about shared decision-making can be helpful in fostering a more equitable relationship. Good couples therapy can teach you how to do this at home.
He Sometimes Makes Huge, Consequential Decisions Without Discussion.
I see this a lot. Yes, it is an asshole behavior, but it’s possible that your husband could be a neurodiverse, that is to say, an unintentional asshole…
Making important decisions without involving you in the process is not a behavior exclusively linked to being an intentional asshole.
BTW, neurodiversity refers to natural variations in human neurological functioning, and includes a wide range of conditions such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and more that we are learning about every day.
Each neurodiverse human is unique, and their behaviors and traits can vary widely
Making significant decisions without consulting your life partner is a complex behavior that can be influenced by various factors, including genetics, personality traits, communication styles, family of origin (FOO) dynamics, and individual experiences.
It's important not to jump to conclusions about intentionality solely based on this problematic behavior.
If you're concerned about your husband's decision-making style and how it’s impacting your marriage, the best course of action is to have open and honest communication with him.
Try to express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner, and be willing to listen to his perspective as well.
You’ll need some good couples therapy. It could be helpful in improving communication, understanding each other's needs, and finding healthier ways to make decisions together as a couple. I can help with that.
He Seems Unconcerned by My Boundaries. He Tells Me How I’m Supposed to Feel, or He Ignore My Feelings Entirely.
Some neurodiverse husbands may have challenges with perspective-taking, and understanding their neuro-typical wife’s emotions.
This may result in their disregarding or ignoring their wife’s feelings or boundaries unintentionally. Too often neurodiverse couples struggle over the meaning, versus the category of behavior.
Building awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills can alleviate these difficulties and promote a healthier emotional connection between you. I can help with that too.
Here’s the bad news…
Unfortunately, if your husband isn’t neuro-diverse, he’s most likely just one of a gazillion intentional assholes walking the earth, and most therapists who have game would demur to take you two on. But the mediocre therapists will happily take your money.
These dudes tend not to change in therapy…it’s like pushing on a self-absorbed string. I try not to work with narcissists, and I’m not alone.
But what if, just if, your husband is neurodiverse? That’s why a careful clinical assessment (such as my FOO interviews) is so profoundly important.
You can not live your life in stories. You gotta know.. is my husband just a narcissistic asshole? Or is he neurodiverse?
What if this is a more manageable problem than you realize? You might just need an upgrade on your skill set.
If you’re motivated…this is teachable, and can be transformative.
Don’t wait until you’re too pissed to try. If you’re motivated, you just might get your mojo back.
Contact me today for a free half-hour consultation
