Breadcrumbing in Relationships
Wednesday, June 26, 2024.
Breadcrumbing in relationships is a behavior where one partner gives the other small, sporadic, and often insincere signals of interest, stringing them along without any intention of pursuing a serious or committed relationship.
This frustrating behavior can leave folks feeling confused, undervalued, and emotionally exhausted.
Let’s look deeper into breadcrumbing, exploring its signs, underlying motivations, and how to address it in science-based couples therapy.
Recognizing the Signs of Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is akin to feeding someone just enough crumbs to keep them hungry without providing a full meal. In a relationship, this manifests through:
Inconsistent Communication: Your partner might text or message you sporadically, with no regularity or depth. It’s like trying to have a meaningful conversation with a fortune cookie.
Vague Plans: They suggest meeting up or making plans but never follow through or set a concrete date. It's always “someday” or “maybe next week.”
Minimal Effort: Their interactions with you lack genuine interest or effort, making you feel like an afterthought rather than a priority.
Evasive Responses: When confronted about their intentions or feelings, they give vague or non-committal answers, leaving you more puzzled than a riddle wrapped in an enigma.
Attention-Seeking Behavior: They post things on social media to get your attention but don’t engage with you directly, creating a cycle of hope and disappointment.
Why Do People Engage in Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing isn’t just frustrating and a symptom of deeper psychological and relational issues. Research suggests several underlying motivations:
Seeking Validation: Some folks breadcrumb to receive validation and attention without the responsibilities of a committed relationship. It’s like keeping you on a shelf to boost their ego. In other words, narcissism.
Fear of Commitment: Commitment-phobes might enjoy the emotional comfort of knowing someone is interested in them without facing the challenges of a full-fledged relationship (Aronson, 2018).
Control and Power: Keeping someone on the hook can provide a sense of control or power over the relationship dynamic (Finkel et al., 2017). Think of it as emotional puppetry. In other words, narcissism.
Indecision: They might be unsure about their feelings or future and keep you as an option while they figure things out (Fisher, 2016).
The Impact of Breadcrumbing on Relationships
Breadcrumbing can erode trust and intimacy in relationships. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that consistent, genuine communication is crucial for building trust and emotional security (Gottman & Silver, 2012). When one partner engages in breadcrumbing, it undermines the foundation of the relationship, leading to emotional distress and confusion.
Addressing Breadcrumbing: A Therapeutic Approach
As a couples therapist, here’s how I guide couples in dealing with breadcrumbing:
Set Clear Boundaries: I encourage the partner experiencing breadcrumbing to define what behavior is acceptable and communicate their expectations clearly in couples therapy. Boundaries are like relationship guardrails—they keep things on track, and out of the ditch.
Prioritize Self-Worth: I help both partners focus on their well-being and self-esteem. I gently remind them that they deserve consistent and genuine effort from a partner.
Seek Clarity, Accept No Bullsh*t: I do my best to guide couples in having open and honest conversations about their intentions and feelings. If one partner can’t provide clear, direct answers, it might be time to reevaluate the purpose and goals of the relationship.
Empowerment to Move Forward: I also encourage the breadcrumbed partner to consider moving forward if the behavior doesn’t change. Healthy relationships require mutual respect and commitment. Breadcrumbing conveys neither.
Research and thought leaders on breadcrumbing
Studies on modern dating behaviors highlight the prevalence of breadcrumbing in the digital age.
According to a study by the Pew Research Center (2020), a significant number of adults have experienced breadcrumbing, particularly through online dating platforms.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, notes that breadcrumbing can be a way for folks to keep their options open in a world where digital connections are abundant (Fisher, 2016).
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability, emphasizes the importance of authenticity in relationships. Breadcrumbing, by its very nature, is inauthentic and undermines true emotional connection (Brown, 2015).
Final thoughts
Breadcrumbing in relationships is a subtle yet damaging behavior that can leave folks feeling undervalued and confused.
Couples can navigate this challenging dynamic by recognizing the signs, understanding the underlying motivations, and addressing the behavior with clear communication and boundaries.
As a couples therapist, my goal is to help folks prioritize their self-worth and foster healthy, committed relationships. If you’ve read this far, let me know.
For anyone experiencing breadcrumbing, remember: you deserve more than crumbs. Seek the full meal of genuine love and commitment.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Aronson, E. (2018). The Social Animal. Worth Publishers.
Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery.
Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. W.W. Norton & Company.
Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2017). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 28(1), 1-41.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2012). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Miller, J. D. (2020). Digital Breadcrumbs: Navigating Relationships in the Age of Social Media. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(10), 2550-2565.
Pew Research Center. (2020). Online Dating & Relationships. Pew Research Center.
