Please Stop Yelling and Sulking: Why Neurotic Conflict Tactics Are the Real Relationship Killer
Wednesday, July 2, 2025.
He Left the Milk Out. Again.
You’re furious. He’s stonewalling.
The fight escalates over toast crumbs, but what you're really arguing about is everything and nothing.
Welcome to the world of the neurotic love spiral—where small slights hit like betrayals, and reactions seem to come with surround sound.
A recent study in Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggests that people high in neuroticism aren’t doomed to unhappy relationships—but they are more likely to sabotage them with poor conflict habits (Lange et al., 2024).
And the fix isn’t fewer feelings. It’s fewer blowups.
What Is Neuroticism—and Why Does It Matter in Love?
Neuroticism is one of the five core traits in the Big Five personality model, describing people who experience anxiety, emotional volatility, and hypersensitivity to stress (McCrae & Costa, 2008).
Think: catastrophizing, overthinking, crying in bathrooms—sometimes all before lunch.
It’s strongly associated with mood disorders, difficulty coping with change, and yes, relationship dissatisfaction (Lahey, 2009; Malouff et al., 2010).
But new research is starting to pinpoint how neuroticism causes so much friction—by examining what people actually do when those emotions hit.
The Study: Seven Days of Conflict and Clarity
Researchers Lange and colleagues recruited 202 adults in committed, cohabiting relationships and asked them to complete daily diaries for a week.
Participants logged whether they engaged in 64 different behaviors—from expressing affection to sulking in silence—and rated their relationship satisfaction each day (Lange et al., 2024).
They also completed personality assessments, particularly measuring neuroticism.
The researchers grouped behaviors into three categories:
Positive Behaviors (compliments, affection, problem-solving)
Negative Behaviors (anger, isolation, blaming)
Conflict Tactics (yelling, unresolved arguments, passive-aggressive withdrawal)
The key finding? People high in neuroticism weren’t just feeling bad—they were more likely to engage in conflict tactics that drained their relationship’s emotional bank account.
And that behavior—not the personality trait—explained the lower satisfaction.
It’s Not Who You Are. It’s What You Do When You’re Mad.
This isn’t just a revelation for researchers—it’s a gift for couples therapists and everyone in a relationship with a passionate, easily rattled soul.
Neuroticism doesn’t doom you. But poor conflict tactics? They’ll rot the foundation right from under you.
“Positive behavior didn’t offset the harm. It wasn’t a matter of doing more good—it was a matter of doing less harm.”
(Lange et al., 2024)
This mirrors Gottman’s findings: contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism are potent predictors of divorce (Gottman & Silver, 1999). You don’t need more roses. You need less resentment.
Bonus Layer: Attachment Theory’s Role
This also aligns with attachment research.
Anxiously attached partners—those terrified of rejection—often resemble neurotics in conflict: they escalate, cling, and panic under stress (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002). What looks like “too emotional” is often “too scared to lose you.”
That means approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which aim to soothe relational trauma rather than suppress feelings, may be a better fit than traditional cognitive therapies.
How to Love a Neurotic (or Be One)
Here’s what this research suggests for practical love:
Cut the Blame. Neuroticism is wired deep—but your reactions are modifiable.
Track your Triggers. Notice what sparks yelling or withdrawal. Start naming it aloud.
Focus on Repair, Not Perfection. You’ll still get emotional. Just own it sooner.
Use Rituals. Daily check-ins or conflict de-escalation scripts can create structure for turbulent couples.
And Don’t Wait for Calm to Start Talking. Start talking to get calm.
TL;DR
Neuroticism isn’t a relationship death sentence—but the way it shows up during conflict can be.
People high in neuroticism are more likely to yell, withdraw, or escalate arguments.
These behaviors—not the trait itself—explain lower relationship satisfaction.
You don’t have to “fix” your feelings. Just change your conflict habits.
What This Means for Therapists
For clinicians working with high-neuroticism clients (or couples), this study supports a behavioral focus:
De-escalation trumps “positive psychology.”
Daily habits shape emotional climate.
Partner perspective matters—follow-up studies should include both voices.
Final Word: You Are Not Your Trait
This research offers a hopeful reframe: neuroticism doesn’t have to wreck your relationship. But it will unless you learn how to fight clean.
It’s not the lightning. It’s where it strikes.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Donnellan, M. B., Conger, R. D., & Bryant, C. M. (2004). The Big Five and enduring marriages. Journal of Research in Personality, 38(5), 481–504. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2004.01.001
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishing Group.
Lahey, B. B. (2009). Public health significance of neuroticism. American Psychologist, 64(4), 241–256. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015309
Lange, A., Rasmussen, B., Esplin, C. R., Clark, M. S., & Braithwaite, S. S. (2024). Neuroticism’s ties to relationship satisfaction: The role of conflict tactic behaviors. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/srt2024.12345
McCrae, R. R., & Costa, P. T. (2008). The Five-Factor Theory of personality. In O. P. John, R. W. Robins, & L. A. Pervin (Eds.), Handbook of personality: Theory and research (3rd ed., pp. 159–181). Guilford Press.
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133–161. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730210154171
South, S. C., & Krueger, R. F. (2008). Marital satisfaction and genetic and environmental influences on personality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 285–295. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94.2.28