2 Wicked powerful questions to lift your relationship satisfaction…

Friday, September 22. 2023.

Here is some research to remind you that your brain can be played with, like a toy. Space and time are dimensions that can soothe your nervous system when engaged with in an time-bending thought experiment.

For example, Here’s the first question:

“How will I feel about this argument a year from now?”

This question helps humans to immediately feel better about their relationship isssues.

After asking this question, most humans tend to feel more positive about their relationship, according to recent research.

This has also been revealed by other research. The ability to train your nervous system to hold a future perspective, such as the question indicates, helps attached humans to see their relationship in a more favorable light.

It’s funny how the human mind works. And, once we acquire this knowledge, I’m a fan of using the laziest, quickest neuroscience hacks.. so here goes…

When a couple considers their future together across a span of time, they tend to see current conflicts as less important in the overall scheme of things..

Dr. Alex Huynh, the study’s first author, summed it up:

“When romantic partners argue over things like finances, jealousy, or other interpersonal issues, they tend to employ their current feelings as fuel for a heated argument.

By envisioning their relationship in the future, people can shift the focus away from their current feelings and mitigate conflicts.”

How the study was conducted

For the study, the study subject couples were asked to remember a recent conflict. Half of the couples were asked to take a future-orientation to the problem, while the other half were asked to confine their discussion of the conflict to the present tense.

The couples who were capable of working their brains in such a way that they imagined themselves in the future, felt measurably more positive about their relationship, according to the data.

So please remember this…A future orientation encourages humans to be more forgiving to their life partner, and also behave better by blaming them less.

Dr. Huynh summed it up:

“Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict — reflecting on how one might feel a year from now — may be a valuable coping tool for one’s psychological happiness and relationship well-being.”

The second question to ask…

• Here’s a sad fact. We often miss our partner’s funkier moods. Because this is so incredibly common, here’s a simple fu*king question that can act as an emotional mine-sweeper:

“How are you feeling?”

This is because research tells us that we suck at knowing when our partner is a little lonely, or sad.

• Instead, humans tend to assume that their spouse feels pretty much the same way they do at the moment. This is a fact from research which directly contradicts what we “know” in our bones. Your bones are wrong.

• Ask “How are you feeling ?” Lean in. Be curious. Don’t assume everything is fine because it seems so.

Strange as it may seem, in committed relationships, loneliness and sadness can be particularly difficult to read, researchers have found. And, to make this even more annoying, we have a bunch of cultural myths about what that failure to notice means.

Despite what your nervous system tells you, your funk may be invisible. You may need to speak abut your feelings in a concrete AF way. If your partner doesn’t ask, don’t pick a fight. Instead, say. “I need to tell you how I’m feeling, and I’m hoping you will ask.”

Thrive well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Huynh, A. C., Yang, D. Y.-J., & Grossmann, I. (2016). The Value of Prospective Reasoning for Close Relationships. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(8), 893–902. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550616660591

The study was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science (Huynh et al., 2016).