Why Your Kids Need to See You Apologize to Each Other
Tuesday, March 4, 2025. This is for J in Atlanta, the “Renaissance Man.”.
Here’s a parenting secret no one tells you:
Your kids are always watching you.
Not just when you’re being a picture-perfect role model—but when you’re tired, cranky, and arguing with your partner about who forgot to put gas in the car.
And guess what?
📌 How you handle those moments teaches them more about relationships than anything you say.
If they see you…
✅ Owning your mistakes? They learn accountability.
✅ Apologizing to your partner? They learn humility.
✅ Repairing after conflict? They learn that fights don’t have to end in disaster.
But if they never see you apologize?
❌ They learn that being "right" is more important than being kind.
❌ They assume adults never make mistakes.
❌ They grow up thinking love = unresolved tension, awkward silence, and slamming cabinet doors.
Today, we’re diving into:
✅ Why parental apologies shape a child’s emotional intelligence.
✅ What the research says about kids who grow up watching healthy conflict resolution.
✅ How to apologize in a way that actually teaches your kids something.
✅ Why pretending "nothing happened" is the worst possible strategy.
Let’s go.
🚀 Because They’re Already Watching—and Learning
Your Kids Are Learning Conflict Skills From You (Whether You Like It or Not)
Think back to your own childhood.
When your parents argued, did they…
🔹 Yell and storm off?
🔹 Give each other the silent treatment for three days?
🔹 Apologize and talk it out like reasonable adults?
Whatever it was, you absorbed it.
Psychologists call this “observational learning”—the process where kids watch how adults handle emotions and internalize those patterns (Bandura, 1977).
📌 Translation? If your child never sees you apologize, they won’t learn how to do it themselves.
🔹 The Science: Why Kids Need to See Conflict & Resolution
Studies show that:
✅ Children who witness healthy conflict resolution develop better emotional regulation (Eisenberg et al., 2001).
✅ Kids whose parents apologize and repair after arguments feel more secure in their relationships (Gottman, 2011).
✅ Avoiding apologies doesn’t protect kids—it confuses them (Markman & Stanley, 2017).
🚨 Key takeaway? If your child only sees conflict but never sees resolution, they will assume fights = permanent damage.
The Silent Treatment is Not a Life Skill
🚨 Common Parent Misconception:
“We don’t argue in front of the kids—it’s better if they don’t see conflict.”
“If we fight, we just move on without addressing it.”
Sounds great in theory, right?
🚨 WRONG.
When parents fight and then just… pretend it never happened, kids don’t think, “Oh, good, everything is fine now.”
They think:
❌ "Did I do something wrong?"
❌ "I guess feelings just go unspoken in relationships."
❌ "Apologies aren’t necessary—people just ignore their problems."
📌 If kids don’t see resolution, they fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
The ‘Magic’ of Seeing Parents Apologize
So what happens when kids do see their parents say, “I was wrong, I’m sorry”?
🔹 They learn that mistakes don’t make you unlovable.
🔹 They see that conflict doesn’t have to mean disaster.
🔹 They develop the courage to admit when they’re wrong.
📌 The Apology Effect: Studies show that kids who see their parents apologize are better at resolving conflicts in their own relationships later in life (Rogers et al., 2020).
🚀 Translation? If you want your kids to grow up into emotionally mature adults who can handle conflict without ghosting, gaslighting, or sending passive-aggressive texts, start with owning your own mistakes.
How to Apologize Like a Grown-Up (So Your Kids Actually Learn Something)
Not all apologies are created equal.
Here’s how to do it right when apologizing to your partner in front of your kids.
🔹 Step 1: Own It Without Excuses
🚨 Bad Apology: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (Translation: Not actually sorry, but enjoy your feelings.)
🚨 Bad Apology: “I only snapped at you because I was stressed.” (Translation: It’s not my fault—I had a reason!)
✅ Good Apology: “I’m sorry for snapping at you. That wasn’t fair, and I should have handled it better.”
📌 Why This Works: Kids learn that apologies shouldn’t come with excuses.
🔹 Step 2: Show Repair in Action
🚀 “I see why that hurt you, and I want to do better.”
🚀 “Next time, I’ll take a break instead of losing my patience.”
📌 Why This Works: Kids learn that an apology isn’t just words—it’s a commitment to change.
🔹 Step 3: Model How to Accept an Apology
It’s not just about saying sorry—it’s also about receiving apologies with grace.
🚀 Instead of “Fine, whatever,” try:
✅ “I appreciate that. Thank you for apologizing.”
📌 Why This Works: It shows kids that forgiveness isn’t weakness—it’s part of healthy relationships.
What Happens When Kids Grow Up Without Seeing Apologies?
When kids never see apologies modeled, they often grow into adults who:
❌ Struggle to take accountability. ("I'm not saying I was wrong, but...”)
❌ Avoid confrontation completely. (Ghosts people instead of resolving conflict.)
❌ Resort to passive-aggression instead of honesty. ("No, it’s fine. Whatever.")
📌 If you want your kid to be emotionally mature later, start modeling it now.
Final Thought: Your Kids Don’t Need You to Be Perfect—Just Accountable
🚀 Being a good parent doesn’t mean never messing up.
🚀 It means showing your kids how to handle mistakes with honesty and humility.
🚀 It means teaching them that love isn’t about “being right”—it’s about showing up, even when you’re wrong.
So next time you and your partner argue?
📌 Let your kids see the repair process.
Because someday, when they face their own conflicts, they’ll know how to handle them—not just repeat the same mistakes.
And that? That’s a parenting win.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.