Why some unhappy partners prefer to suffer in silence…

Monday, July 31, 2023.

Any good couples therapist has seen the dynamic where, in an unhappy marriage, one of the partners consistently remains silent about issues in the marriage that are clearly problematic.

Why do some partners fail to advocate for themselves? Isn’t this just avoidant attachment?

• It’s more complicated than that, it seems. A somewhat recent study (2017) in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says humans with low self-esteem are more inclined to refrain from complaining, and therefore they’re more likely to remain in an unsatisfying marriage.

• Humans with low self-esteem are more likely to avoid discussing any issues in the relationship.

According to researcher, and Phd. candidate Megan McCarthy, This is probably due to fear of rejection.

Here’s what she said:

“There is a perception that people with low self-esteem tend to be more negative and complain a lot more.

While that may be the case in some social situations, our study suggests that in romantic relationships, the partner with low self-esteem resists addressing problems.”

This research examined the impact suffering from low self-esteem can have on your relationship…

• The researchers found that not speaking up about problems led to more overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.

Dr. McCarthy also said:

“We’ve found that people with a more negative self-concept often have doubts and anxieties about the extent to which other people care about them.

This can drive low self-esteem people toward defensive, self-protective behaviour, such as avoiding confrontation.”

Dr. McCarthy added:

“If your significant other is not engaging in open and honest conversation about the relationship it may not be that they don’t care, but rather that they feel insecure and are afraid of being hurt.”

The comfort level for disclosing emotions…

• The study also found that people with high self-esteem who are agreeable tend to disclose their emotions more readily.

The reason is that they are more trusting of their partner’s caring nature. That’s because they’ve experienced a track record with other close humans who were loving, supportive, and agreeable.

• In contrast, those with with low self-esteem found it harder to confront hard feelings like grief or to share angry or resentful thoughts with their partner.

Dr. McCarthy again:

“We may think that staying quiet, in a ‘forgive and forget’ kind of way, is constructive, and certainly it can be when we feel minor annoyances.

But when we have a serious issue in a relationship, failing to address those issues directly can actually be destructive.”

No sh*t! I think the researchers missed Abnormal Psych class. Their take on their findings is a bit incomplete…

Outside of the highly sensitive humans, there is another, less attractive human cohort that deserves special mention.

Personality disorders such as covert narcissists are so profoundly insecure, and have such low self-esteem that they are afraid to be discovered, in fear of being countered, shamed, and humiliated.

They’ll tend to fly under the radar, recruiting a passive-aggressive stance, cleverly masked as a pseudo-affable “open” style of fingernail-deep communication.

• They don’t “forgive and forget.” Because they never complain. They resent.

  Dr. McCarthy summed it up nicely:

“We all know that close relationships can sometimes be difficult.

The key issue, then, is how we choose to deal with it when we feel dissatisfied with a partner.”

• That’s where science-based couples therapy comes in. I can help with that… Godspeed!

RESEARCH:

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (McCarthy et al., 2017).

McCarthy, M. H., Wood, J. V., & Holmes, J. G. (2017). Dispositional pathways to trust: Self-esteem and agreeableness interact to predict trust and negative emotional disclosure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(1), 95–116. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000093