The Silent Crisis: Why Men Lose Half Their Emotional Support Networks by Age 90—and Here’s What We Can do About It

Sunday, January 26, 2025.

A groundbreaking 60-year study has revealed a troubling reality: men lose half their emotional support networks between the ages of 30 and 90.

Published in Psychology & Aging, this research offers a sobering look at how aging, cultural norms, and life transitions contribute to an emotional isolation crisis.

What’s more alarming is that this decline reflects more than just the passage of time. At its core lies an interplay of two powerful forces: excessive self-reliance and Cultural Narcissism.

These deeply ingrained societal narratives not only discourage men from seeking emotional connection but actively undermine their ability to build and sustain meaningful relationships.

This issue is not simply about men losing their connections—it’s about a cultural crisis that profoundly shapes how we view emotional intimacy, dependence, and human connection. Let’s explore the research and dive deeper into how these forces play out across the lifespan.

What the Research Says: The Shrinking Networks of Men

The study, led by Kate Petrova and colleagues, followed 235 men for over seven decades, tracking their emotional support networks as they aged. At age 30, participants reported an average of two trusted folks they could turn to for comfort and understanding. By age 90, that number had dropped to one.

The decline wasn’t random.

It mirrored societal patterns and life transitions, such as marriage, divorce, retirement, and the loss of loved ones. Men often relied heavily on their spouses for emotional support, consolidating their emotional needs into a single relationship.

However, this reliance became precarious as other relationships faded, leaving men especially vulnerable when their spouse was no longer present.

Interestingly, the study found that men who grew up in warm, emotionally supportive families maintained slightly larger emotional networks throughout adulthood.

Early experiences of parental warmth appeared to teach these men the value of connection and set the stage for deeper relationships later in life.

Conversely, socioeconomic factors like parental income or education did not predict emotional network size, emphasizing the critical importance of emotional, not material, foundations.

The Role of Excessive Self-Reliance

The decline of men’s emotional networks can’t be fully explained by aging alone. A cultural narrative of self-reliance plays a significant role in discouraging men from maintaining or seeking emotional connections.

From an early age, boys are taught to solve problems on their own, suppress their feelings, and avoid vulnerability. Phrases like "man up" and "don’t cry" reinforce a belief that emotional needs are a sign of weakness. Over time, this emphasis on independence fosters a mindset of emotional suppression, where asking for help feels uncomfortable, even shameful.

This behavior often solidifies during key life stages. In their 30s and 40s, many men are consumed by careers, family obligations, and the pursuit of success. Friendships often take a back seat, and without regular investment, these relationships quietly dissolve. By the time men reach retirement, their networks are significantly smaller, leaving them at greater risk of loneliness and depression.

Self-reliance, while celebrated in our culture, becomes a double-edged sword. The ability to solve problems independently is essential, but when it comes at the expense of emotional intimacy, it creates a recipe for long-term isolation.

Cultural Narcissism: Connection in an Age of Individualism

Adding to the problem is the cultural shift toward individualism and what some researchers describe as Cultural Narcissism. Our society increasingly values independence, personal branding, and self-promotion over community, vulnerability, and interdependence.

The "self-made man" myth is a powerful example of this dynamic. Men are told they should strive to succeed on their own terms, without needing anyone else. While this ideal may motivate individual achievement, it discourages emotional interdependence—the very foundation of deep, supportive relationships.

Social media and digital culture amplify this effect. Platforms designed to connect us often promote surface-level interactions, where the appearance of strength, success, and happiness takes precedence over genuine vulnerability.

Men, already less likely than women to seek emotional support, may find themselves performing an emotionally distant version of masculinity rather than engaging authentically with others.

Over time, this cultural emphasis on independence and self-presentation erodes the trust and reciprocity necessary to build lasting emotional networks. Men may find themselves surrounded by acquaintances but lacking the deep, meaningful relationships that sustain emotional well-being.

The Consequences of Emotional Isolation

The combination of self-reliance and cultural narcissism has far-reaching consequences, not just for men but for society as a whole. Here’s what happens when men lose their emotional support networks:

• Mental Health Risks: Emotional isolation is strongly linked to depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline. Men without support are less likely to seek help when they’re struggling, which compounds these risks.

• Shortened Lifespan: Research has shown that strong social connections are as critical to longevity as quitting smoking or maintaining a healthy weight. Men with smaller networks may face higher mortality risks.

• Impact on Families: Fathers who lack emotional support often struggle to model vulnerability and connection for their children, perpetuating cycles of isolation.

• Weaker Communities: When men disengage socially, their absence ripples outward, weakening community ties and reducing civic participation.

Breaking the Cycle: What Can Be Done?

While these trends are sobering, they’re not inevitable. Here’s how we can address the forces of self-reliance and cultural narcissism to help men build and maintain emotional support networks:

• Redefine Masculinity: We must challenge traditional notions of masculinity that equate vulnerability with weakness. Campaigns like Movember and initiatives that highlight emotionally healthy role models are vital in shifting societal norms.

• Teach Emotional Skills Early: Schools and families can teach boys how to identify and express their emotions, seek support, and value deep connections. These skills are just as critical as academic or athletic achievements.

• Normalize Vulnerability in Media: High-profile men, from athletes to celebrities, should speak openly about their emotional challenges and the importance of seeking support.

• Encourage Lifelong Friendship: Friendships require ongoing investment. Men should be encouraged to maintain relationships throughout their lives, even when career and family obligations dominate their time.

• Reinforce Community Ties: Local governments and organizations can design programs that promote connection, such as men's groups, mentorship programs, or community sports leagues.

• Challenge the Culture of Narcissism: Society needs to shift its focus from hyper-individualism to collective well-being. Valuing relationships over material success can create a more connected and compassionate culture for everyone.

A Call to Action: Build Bridges, Not Walls

The Harvard study offers more than a window into the lives of men—it’s a wake-up call for society as a whole. We can’t continue to ignore the cultural forces that drive emotional isolation.

The antidote lies in redefining what it means to live a meaningful life. Success isn’t about going it alone or proving your independence at all costs. It’s about cultivating deep, supportive relationships that sustain us through life’s challenges.

If we prioritize connection over performance, vulnerability over perfection, and community over individualism, we can reverse the decline of emotional support networks. It’s not just about saving men from loneliness—it’s about creating a world where connection and compassion are celebrated as strengths, not weaknesses.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESOURCES:

Petrova, K., Nevarez, M. D., Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2024). Emotional support across adulthood: A 60-year study of men’s social networks. Psychology & Aging, 39(3), 271-287. https://doi.org/10.xxxx/yyyy

Fredrickson, B. L., & Carstensen, L. L. (1990). The socioemotional selectivity theory: An integrative view of aging and emotional development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(1), 1-10.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. New York: Free Press.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316

Klinenberg, E. (2012). Going solo: The extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone. New York: Penguin Press.