Why High Standards Without High Support Can Fail You

Sunday, December 1, 2024.

As a marriage and family therapist, I often see folks and families striving for meaningful, fulfilling lives—but many get stuck.

Why?

They’ve bought into a dangerous myth: that success or happiness comes only through pushing harder, achieving more, or toughing it out alone. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

High standards are essential, yes—but without high support, they can backfire spectacularly, leaving you exhausted, disconnected, and struggling to find joy.

It’s time to rethink how we approach growth, resilience, and success, not just for ourselves but for our relationships.

High Standards: The Double-Edged Sword

High standards are like a rocket engine—they fuel progress. But without proper support, they can burn you out or blow up your efforts.

Take a moment to think about where high standards show up in your life. Maybe it’s your demanding job, your push to be the perfect parent, or the expectations you have for your partner in your relationship. High standards motivate us to stretch beyond our comfort zones, and that’s a good thing—if balanced correctly.

Psychologists like Carol Dweck, who coined the term growth mindset, have shown that people who believe they can improve through effort and learning are more likely to succeed. But here’s the kicker: Without a safety net of support, these efforts can feel overwhelming and, frankly, miserable.

Imagine trying to climb a mountain without ropes or a guide. Sure, the goal is inspiring, but the journey? Terrifying.

High Support: The Missing Piece of the Puzzle

Here’s the critical truth: High standards alone are not enough. Support—emotional, practical, and relational—is what transforms effort into achievement.

Let’s borrow a page from Emma Hayes, the trailblazing soccer coach of the U.S. Women’s National Team.

Her philosophy of “positive discomfort” propelled her team to Olympic gold. The secret? She pushed her players to the limit but wrapped those expectations in care, humanity, and even joy.

Her approach mirrors a vital lesson for all of us: Folks thrive when they feel seen, respected, and supported.

Research from Stanford University backs this up.

Students who received feedback framed as “I believe in you, and I know you can meet these high standards” were twice as likely to improve their work.

It’s a powerful reminder that when high standards meet high support, real growth happens.

Why Discomfort Is a Good Thing

I get it—nobody likes feeling uncomfortable. It’s natural to avoid it. But here’s the truth bomb: Discomfort is a signal of progress.

Studies from Cornell University show that when people embrace discomfort as part of learning, they’re more likely to persist, take risks, and ultimately feel accomplished.

In relationships, this could mean tackling tough conversations or owning up to mistakes—not because it’s easy, but because it deepens trust and understanding.

The alternative? Staying comfortable often means staying stuck. And let’s be real, who wants that?

The Danger of Ignoring Support

Here’s where things can go off the rails. Without support, high standards can turn toxic:

• In relationships: You might demand more from your partner without offering the encouragement they need to meet those expectations.

• As a parent: Pushing your child toward perfection without balancing it with empathy and guidance can damage their confidence.

• In your own life: Setting impossible goals without self-compassion leads to burnout and frustration.

Support isn’t just about being nice; it’s about creating a foundation where people feel safe to grow. This might look like active listening, offering practical help, or simply reminding someone, “I’m right here. next to you, and I’ve got your back.”

Reframe Your Relationship with Discomfort

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by life’s challenges, you’re not alone.

But what if you could see those moments differently? Psychologist Emily Willroth’s research shows that accepting negative emotions like sadness or anger leads to better mental health and life satisfaction.

Here’s how it works:

• Instead of judging emotions as “bad,” see them as signals. Sadness might mean you need support. Anger could point to unmet needs or boundaries.

• Accept these feelings as part of being human. This doesn’t mean giving up—it means leaning in with curiosity.

When you stop fighting your emotions, you can use them as tools for growth rather than roadblocks.

Creating a Winning Mix: High Standards + High Support

So, what’s the takeaway? Whether you’re navigating a tough relationship, parenting, or pursuing personal goals, the key to success is balancing high standards with high support.

• As a partner: Hold each other accountable but offer unconditional love and encouragement. Be by their side when they’re floored by a sudden setback.

• As a parent: Push your kids to aim high, but remind them they’re loved and supported no matter what.

• For yourself: Set ambitious goals but treat yourself with kindness when you stumble.

Emma Hayes’s rallying cry to her team applies to all of us: “We bring the energy, the positivity, and the joy!” That mix of high expectations and unwavering support led her team to gold—and it can lead you to your own version of success.

Final Thoughts: Don’t Go It Alone

Let me leave you with this: Growth, resilience, and purpose don’t happen in isolation.

Whether it’s a family member, a partner, a friend, or even a therapist, surround yourself with people who will challenge and support you.

Life’s gold medals aren’t won by toughing it out alone.

They’re earned through connection, commitment, and a belief that we’re stronger together.

So go ahead, aim high—but don’t forget to bring your safety net. That’s how you unlock a rich, purposeful life.

I hope you all had a superb Thanksgiving.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Willroth, E. C., & Ebert, M. E. (2020). Negative emotion differentiation and well-being: Effects of anger and sadness differentiation on well-being depend on stress levels. Emotion, 20(3), 415–427. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000560

Yeager, D. S., & Cohen, G. L. (2013). Social-psychological interventions in education: They’re not magic. Review of Educational Research, 83(2), 267–301. https://doi.org/10.3102/0034654313483907

Yeager, D. S. (2023). 10 to 25: The science of motivating young people. HarperCollins.

Woolley, K., & Fishbach, A. (2018). It was fun, but did I learn something? The role of perceived learning in motivating repeated play. Journal of Consumer Research, 44(3), 631–644. https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucx113