Why Feeling Appreciated by Your Family is the Real Superpower (And How to Harness It)
Thursday, August 29, 2024.
In the chaotic world of parenting, we often focus on showing appreciation—whether it’s thanking your spouse for doing the dishes or giving your kids a high five for not turning the living room into a disaster zone.
But have you ever stopped to think about how much being appreciated in return matters?
A new study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology suggests that feeling valued by your family isn’t just a nice bonus—it’s a game changer for your mental health and overall family happiness.
The Power of a Simple “Thank You” in Family Life
Let's be real: parenting can sometimes feel like a thankless job. You’re juggling work, family, and maybe a little bit of “me time” if you’re lucky. But according to the study led by Allen W. Barton, an assistant professor at the University of Illinois, feeling appreciated by your spouse and kids could be the secret sauce to better mental health, lower stress, and even a happier marriage.
We’ve all heard that gratitude is good for us—it’s practically a mantra in self-help books and yoga classes. But Barton’s research goes deeper, showing that it’s not just about expressing gratitude, but about feeling genuinely appreciated by those closest to us. And when that appreciation comes from your kids? Well, that’s when things really start to get interesting.
The Gratitude Ripple Effect
The study surveyed 593 parents from all over the United States, ranging in age from 24 to 75, each with at least one child between the ages of 4 and 17. The participants were asked how often they felt appreciated by their spouses and their children, and how that sense of appreciation—or lack thereof—affected their mental health, stress levels, and relationship satisfaction.
Surprise, surprise: parents who felt appreciated by their spouses reported higher levels of happiness in their relationships and lower levels of psychological distress.
But the real eye-opener was how gratitude from their kids impacted their well-being. Parents who felt appreciated by their children, especially their teenage kids (who knew teens had it in them?), reported significantly lower stress levels and better mental health overall.
Why Older Kids Hold the Key
So, why does appreciation from older kids have such a profound impact?
Barton suggests it’s because teenagers are more capable of expressing genuine gratitude, and when parents receive that acknowledgment, it’s like a stress-busting power-up.
This doesn’t mean younger kids don’t appreciate you—they just show it in different ways, like finger paintings and sticky hugs, which, let’s be honest, can be just as rewarding.
But when your 16-year-old actually thanks you for driving them to soccer practice instead of just grunting in your general direction, it hits differently. It’s a sign that they recognize and value the effort you’re putting in, and that recognition can make all the hard work feel worthwhile.
The Gender Divide: Moms Need Love Too
Interestingly, the study found that women—surprise, surprise—tend to feel less appreciated than men by both their partners and their kids.
But when they do feel valued, it has an even greater positive impact on their happiness and stress levels compared to men. This might suggest that moms, in particular, could use a little extra TLC when it comes to feeling appreciated at home.
So, dads, kids—listen up! That simple “thanks, Mom” could do more than you think. And moms, it might be worth speaking up if you’re feeling underappreciated. It turns out that those small words of appreciation can make a big difference in everyone’s happiness.
How to Cultivate a Culture of Appreciation in Your Home
Creating a culture of appreciation and gratitude in your home doesn’t have to be complicated.
Start by modeling the behavior you want to see.
Regularly express your appreciation to your spouse and kids, and encourage them to do the same.
Make it a family habit to acknowledge even the small things—like someone emptying the dishwasher without being asked.
And don’t forget to ask for what you need. If you’re feeling unappreciated, let your family know. It’s not about guilt-tripping anyone, but rather about fostering an environment where everyone feels valued and supported.
The Takeaway: Gratitude is a Two-Way Street
While the study had its limitations—it was based on self-reported data and didn’t track changes over time—it offers valuable insights into the importance of feeling appreciated within the family unit.
Gratitude isn’t just a one-way street where you give and give until you’re all out of thank-yous. It’s about receiving acknowledgment and appreciation in return, and that’s what keeps the family engine running smoothly.
So next time you’re feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, take a moment to appreciate the little things—and don’t be afraid to ask for a bit of appreciation in return. It might just be the boost you need to keep going.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Barton, A. W., & Gong, Q. (2024). A "Thank You" really would be nice: Perceived gratitude in family relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology.