Why 90% of us keep mundane consumption secrets from our spouses…and why it’s eventually… healthy?
Thursday August 10, 2023.
Up to 90% of humans keep small, mundane consumer secrets from their spouses, research finds.
And, in a strange way, these small secrets may weigh on them, and motivate humans to improve their intimate relationships, according to recent research from last year.
These secrets shape humans to feel guilty… and motivate them to invest more in their relationship with more frequent small acts of kindness.
Things like wordlessly scoffing a chocolate bar, or watching ahead on a TV show that you’re ostensibly watching together without fessing up, are hardly capital crimes, but they nevertheless make most human feel a nagging, low-level guilt that tends to be exorcized by small acts of kindness, according to researchers.
It is this ocassional low-level guilt that motivates people to invest more in their relationship, researchers found. Gottman’s research has already established the behavioral importance of “small things, often.” This idea is so compelling, “small things often” is the name of a new podcast offered by the Gottman Institute.
Dr. Kelley Gullo Wight, study co-author, said:
“In our study, we found that 90% of people have recently kept everyday consumer behaviors a secret from a close other — like a friend or spouse — even though they also report that they don’t think their partner would care if they knew about it.
Even though most of these secret acts are quite ordinary, they can still — positively — impact the relationship.
The positive impact is an important piece.”
Keeping little secrets…
For the study, researchers surveyed a population of married couples on relatively trivial secrets.
Instead of asking about hidden extramarital affairs or other traumas, couples were asked things like whether they had a secret stash of chocolate or had bought a beauty product on the sly.
What blew the researchers way was the prevalence of low-level secrets. 90% of the study subjects admitted to some recent secretive consumer indulgence.
Here’s the fascinating part. Usually the secret was only kept from one person, said Dr Wight:
“We find that people generally keep consumption a secret from a specific person, not necessarily everyone.”
The most popular purchases to keep hidden were foods (40%), clothing or jewelry (10%). It was also common for gifts or donations to go unmentioned (8%).
Dr Danielle J. Brick, the study’s first author, said:
“One of my favorite findings is that partners often keep the same secrets from each other.
In one couple, both partners reported secretly eating meat when they were both supposed to be vegetarian.”
Feeling guilty
In the USA, we like to say that intimate relationships are healthiest when characterized by openness and disclosure.
But this research suggests that are times when humans decide not to disclose certain episodes in their consumer behavior, essentially keeping it a secret.
I was discussing this research with my new clients Charlie and Marge. When I asked if they could relate to this research, they had anecdotes at the ready.
For example, Charlie told me how he sometimes eats a candy bar on the way home from work…even though his wife Marge often chides him about binging on chocolate before dinner.
Marge, on the other hand, has been completing her collection of mid-century Fiestaware on eBay, but making sure to dispose of the cartons and packing material before Charlie gets home and can see it..
The researchers emphasize that this kind of low-level secretive consumer behavior is both common and mundane.
That is, the consumption itself is minor—and has likely been done with the partner's knowledge in the past—but is being intentionally kept from the partner. The researchers were particularly curious whether such behavior has damaging downstream effects on the relationship, such as an erosion of trust…despite its inconsequential pettiness.
Five other studies supported these researchers in establishing how common secret consumer behaviors is in close relationships.
But what blew them away was the utility of guilt.
A surprising consequence of the low level twinges of guilt from secret consumption was actually a pathway to greater relationship investment. This research explores a well-known, yet lttle examined area of consumer behavior.
I agree with them that we need to look more closely at this phenomena in future research. This study made significant findings by being the first researchers to thoroughly examine the emotional, behavioral, and relational aspects of low level, secretive consumer behavior.
The unexpected paradox is that these little micro-secrets evoke noticeable pangs of guilty awareness, and that impels humans to invest more in their intimate relationship.
So, when you’re eating your candy bar on the sly, or your sliding your new Fiestaware plate into the dish cabinet on the down low, understand that you’ll probably be bestowing small acts of kindness to make up for your indiscrete little secret indulgence until you assuage your micro-guilt. It’s all part of our human experience, I guess.
Thrive well, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Secret consumer behaviors in close relationships. Danielle J. Brick, Kelley Gullo Wight, Gavan J. Fitzsimons. Published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology (Elsevier Science), July 2022 DOI10.1002/jcpy.1315
