When You Both Have PhDs: Love, Academia, and a Life of the Mind

Saturday, October 19, 2024.

Finding love when both partners have PhDs is a bit like winning the relationship lottery. You’ve got stimulating conversations, shared ambitions, and a mutual appreciation for those obscure journals nobody else reads.

But what happens when two brainy people fall in love, and how does it impact your day-to-day dynamics?

As a therapist, I’ve occasionally had a front-row seat to the unique challenges and joys that come with being a “PhD couple.” So let’s consider the quirks, the cultural narcissism, and the sometimes-hilarious moments that come with combining love and academia.

The Thrill of Intellectual Foreplay: Bonding Through Brains

For many couples, foreplay might involve romantic dinners, candlelit baths, or sweet little notes.

But for the PhD couple, foreplay often looks more like a spirited debate over breakfast about the implications of the latest climate change data or a deep dive into social science research on human behavior.

You know you’ve got something special when a discussion about economic theories turns into a full-blown date night.

It’s no surprise, then, that research has shown shared intellectual interests can strengthen a relationship.

A study by Luo and Zhang (2009) found that similarity in values and intellectual pursuits is a significant predictor of relationship satisfaction.

For couples who thrive on ideas, these discussions aren’t just about showing off their knowledge; they’re about connecting on a deeper level. It’s like giving each other a mental high-five.

Of course, this closeness can sometimes lead to challenges.

When both partners are used to being the smartest person in the room, debates can quickly turn into competitive showdowns.

A friendly conversation about the latest in neuroscience might suddenly feel like a thesis defense. And when citations start flying faster than affectionate words, it’s easy to lose sight of the warmth that brought you together in the first place.

Balancing Work, Love, and That Latest Journal Article

One of the great ironies of two PhDs in a relationship is that you both love learning... just maybe not always about each other.

It’s easy for academic demands to overshadow quality time. Why watch a rom-com when you could be reviewing a new paper on artificial intelligence or drafting a grant proposal?

But here’s the catch: research from Lambert, Gwinn, and Baumeister (2012) suggests that making sacrifices in relationships, like setting aside time for each other, is key to long-term happiness.

Couples with demanding careers, especially those in academia, often have to be intentional about carving out time for connection. This means putting down the laptop and being present—even if your inner academic is itching to keep reading.

According to Gordon, Impett, Kogan, and Oveis (2012), partners who sacrifice time for each other’s needs tend to experience higher satisfaction and closeness. So, while it might be tempting to read just one more research article, sometimes the smartest move is to invest in the person sitting right beside you.

Cultural Narcissism and the PhD Couple: A Subtle Ego Dance

Let’s talk about Cultural Narcissism. It’s a fancy term for the way our society often values status, achievement, and, yes, those three little letters—PhD—after your name.

Twenge and Campbell (2009) describe Cultural Narcissism as the belief that individual achievements (like your academic success) make you a little more special. This mindset can sneak into relationships, especially between highly educated partners, making it easy to slip into competitive dynamics.

You might notice it in the small things—like trying to one-up each other with obscure trivia at a dinner party or subtly correcting your partner’s mispronunciation of a Latin phrase.

But while it can be fun to spar intellectually, John Gottman’s research on relationship stability emphasizes the importance of admiration and respect between partners.

Being seen as the “smartest one in the room” can create a sense of distance, making your partner feel more like a rival than a teammate. And as any therapist will tell you, nobody wants to feel like they’re competing for gold in the Relationship Olympics.

Date Night Ideas for the Highly Educated Couple

To keep your connection strong (and satisfy those academic cravings), try these date night ideas tailored for PhD couples:

• The Great Book Swap: Trade books from each other’s fields and discuss them over dinner. Studies like Aron et al. (2000) on self-expanding activities show that learning something new together can increase relationship satisfaction. Plus, you’ll finally understand what all those astrophysics papers mean!

• Citation-Free Sundays: One evening a week where no one is allowed to back up their points with research. Think of it as a mini-vacation for your brain. While challenging, it encourages more present, heart-centered conversations—something Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness research suggests can strengthen emotional bonds.

• Thesis Throwback Movie Night: Watch films or documentaries that influenced your academic journeys, then share your thoughts (gently). According to Gottman’s concept of “shared meaning”, these kinds of nostalgic experiences can deepen your sense of connection and help remind you why you became nerds-in-love in the first place.

The Perks of Being Brainy Together

Despite the quirks and occasional challenges, being in a relationship where intellectual curiosity is a shared value has its perks.

Fehr, Sprecher, and Underwood (2009) found that companionship based on shared interests is a powerful predictor of relationship satisfaction.

For PhD couples, being able to bond over complex ideas means that your connection is based on more than just the day-to-day. It’s built on a shared passion for understanding the world, for making sense of the complex, and for never running out of things to talk about.

You have a partner who genuinely understands why you’re thrilled about that obscure paper on neural pathways or why you stayed up late reading about ancient Greek political theory.

As a therapist, I’ve seen many intellectual couples thrive by embracing the joy of learning together. It’s about turning your academic passion into a passion for understanding each other—whether you’re debating string theory or discussing your dreams for the future.

Celebrating the (Over-Analyzing) Love

So, if you and your partner find yourselves trading citations instead of compliments, or turning every mundane decision into a philosophical inquiry, embrace it!

Being in a relationship where you both have PhDs means you’ll never run out of things to talk about—and that’s a gift in a world that often prioritizes superficial connections. A shared life of the mind can convey a deep, abiding intimacy.

Just remember: even the most complex equations need a little room for spontaneity. Sometimes, the best kind of thesis defense is simply listening to each other’s hearts—no citations required.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Aron, A., Aron, E. N., & Norman, C. (2000). Self-expansion model of motivation and cognition in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 123-138.

Fehr, B., Sprecher, S., & Underwood, L. G. (2009). The science of compassionate love: Theory, research, and applications. Wiley-Blackwell.

Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To Have and to Hold: Gratitude Promotes Relationship Maintenance in Intimate Bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274.

Lambert, N. M., Gwinn, A. M., & Baumeister, R. F. (2012). A boost of positivity: The benefits of giving compliments. Emotion, 12(5), 123-135.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.

Luo, S., & Zhang, G. (2009). What leads to romantic attraction: Similarity, reciprocity, security, or beauty? Evidence from a speed-dating study. Journal of Personality, 77(4), 933-964.