What to expect in couples therapy after infidelity…

Sunday, February 18, 2024.

In couples therapy after infidelity, therapists often draw from various theoretical approaches to address the complex dynamics and emotions involved….

So what should you expect in couples therapy after an infidelity?

Perhaps the most prominent methods frequently utilized are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), often referred to as the "left" methods due to their emphasis on emotional connection and understanding (Johnson & Greenberg, 1988; Gottman & Gottman, 2008).

Gottman Method: Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this approach focuses on strengthening relationships through building friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning. In the context of infidelity, therapists using the Gottman Method might initially help the couple navigate the intense emotions and rebuild trust. They may employ specific interventions such as:

Atonement: The unfaithful partner expresses genuine remorse and takes responsibility for their actions. The betrayed partner is encouraged to express their hurt and anger constructively (Gottman & Gottman, 2008).

Rebuilding Trust: Through open communication and transparency, the couple works on rebuilding trust. Therapists may facilitate exercises like the "Trust Revival Method," where the unfaithful partner commits to certain actions to regain trust (Gottman & Gottman, 2008) gradually.

Reaffirming Commitment: Couples are guided to reaffirm their commitment to the relationship and identify shared goals for the future. This process involves exploring each partner's needs and desires and finding ways to meet them within the relationship (Gottman & Gottman, 2008).

Developing Conflict Resolution Skills: Gottman-based therapists assist couples in developing effective conflict resolution skills to address underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity. They focus on de-escalating conflicts, understanding each other's perspectives, and finding compromises (Gottman & Gottman, 2008).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Founded by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT centers on restructuring emotional responses and interactions within the relationship. In the aftermath of infidelity, therapists using EFT may focus on:

Rebuilding Attachment: EFT therapists help couples understand the underlying attachment needs that may have led to the infidelity. Through empathetic attunement and validation, they guide partners in expressing their emotions and vulnerabilities, fostering a secure emotional bond (Johnson & Greenberg, 1988).

Restructuring Negative Cycles: EFT identifies negative interaction patterns that perpetuate distress in the relationship. Therapists help couples recognize these cycles and replace them with healthier, more supportive ways of relating to each other (Johnson & Greenberg, 1988).

Promoting Emotional Engagement: Couples are encouraged to engage in emotionally meaningful conversations and activities to deepen their connection. Therapists facilitate exercises like the "Hold Me Tight" conversation, where partners share their feelings, fears, and needs in a safe environment (Johnson & Greenberg, 1988).

While Gottman and EFT focus on repairing the relationship's emotional foundation, Bader's Developmental Model of Couples Therapy takes a different approach to addressing infidelity.

Bader's Developmental Model

Developed by Dr. Ellyn Bader, this approach views couples' issues through a developmental lens, focusing on the growth and individuation of each partner within the relationship. When treating infidelity, Bader's model may involve:

Bader's model emphasizes that couples go through predictable stages of development, each presenting unique challenges. Therapists help couples understand how infidelity may reflect underlying developmental issues or unresolved conflicts (Bader & Pearson, 1988).

Promoting Differentiation…

Differentiation, or maintaining individuality while remaining emotionally connected, is central to Bader's approach. Therapists assist partners in developing a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, fostering autonomy and mutual respect (Bader & Pearson, 1988).

Exploring Meaning and Purpose: Bader's model encourages couples to explore their relationship's deeper meaning and purpose. Therapists facilitate conversations about each partner's values, goals, and aspirations, helping them create a shared vision for the future (Bader & Pearson, 1988).

Addressing Power Dynamics: Bader's model acknowledges the role of power dynamics in relationships and how they may contribute to infidelity. Therapists work with couples to identify and address power imbalances, promoting equality and mutual empowerment (Bader & Pearson, 1988).

Final thoughts

Gottman and EFT focus on rebuilding emotional connection and understanding in the aftermath of infidelity.

Bader's Developmental Model, however, emphasizes individual growth and differentiation within the relationship.

Each approach offers valuable insights and techniques for helping couples navigate the complexities of infidelity and rebuild trust and intimacy—It is best to choose a therapist who is intensely trained in all 3 models.

I fit the bill. Give Me a call.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. Routledge.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). Gottman Method Couples Therapy. In J. L. Lebow (Ed.), Handbook of Clinical Family Therapy (pp. 138-164). John Wiley & Sons.

Johnson, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (1988). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: An Outcome Study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 14(1), 39-46.