What is Kitchen Sinking?
Monday, February 18, 2024. Revised and updated
Exploring Anxious Attachment, Kitchen Sinking, and Kitchen Thinking in Relationships
Through the lens of Attachment science, intimate communication patterns tend to emerge, sometimes to the detriment of relational harmony.
One such phenomenon, often encountered in intimate partnerships, is known as Kitchen Sinking.
I want to examine the Kitchen Sinking phenomenon, its origins, manifestations, and implications, particularly in anxious attachment styles.
Moreover, we explore the concept of Kitchen Thinking as a potential antidote to this detrimental communication pattern.
Understanding Kitchen Sinking…
What is Kitchen Sinking?
Kitchen sinking refers to the tendency some folks have to bring up past grievances or unrelated issues during a conflict or disagreement, effectively diverting the conversation away from the original topic at hand.
Picture a sink filling up with dirty dishes—each dish representing a past issue or grievance—as the water level rises, the conversation becomes cluttered and muddled, making resolution increasingly elusive.
Research on Anxious Attachment and Kitchen Sinking…
Attachment theory is central to understanding kitchen sinking, which posits that early childhood experiences shape individuals' attachment styles and influence their adult relationships.
Anxious attachment, characterized by a fear of abandonment and a hyperawareness of relational threats, often manifests in communication patterns marked by insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism.
A seminal study by Feeney and Noller (1990) explored the link between attachment styles and communication patterns within romantic relationships.
The findings revealed that individuals with anxious attachment tendencies were more likely to engage in negative communication behaviors, including kitchen sinking, during conflicts.
This propensity to dredge up past grievances may stem from a fear of losing the relationship or a need for reassurance of the partner's commitment.
Moreover, research by Mikulincer and Shaver (2003) highlighted the role of attachment-related anxiety in amplifying emotional reactions during conflicts.
Humans high in anxious attachment may experience heightened emotional distress when facing relationship challenges, leading to a greater likelihood of resorting to maladaptive communication strategies such as kitchen sinking.
Kitchen Thinking as an Alternative Approach…
While kitchen sinking can escalate conflicts and erode relationship satisfaction, I’ve proposed an alternative communication style, “kitchen thinking."
Unlike kitchen sinking, which focuses on rehashing past grievances, kitchen thinking emphasizes present-focused, solution-oriented communication.
It was Anthony Bourdain who inspired me to think this way. In Kitchen Confidential, he discussed the infinite variety of ways humans could get cut, scalded, or burned in the kitchen if they weren’t alert and situationally aware of themselves and others.
Repair Attempts
Gottman and Silver (1999) introduced the concept of "repair attempts" as crucial elements in conflict resolution. These repair attempts, which can take various forms, such as humor, affection, or acknowledgment of responsibility, serve to de-escalate conflicts and restore emotional connection between partners.
In kitchen sinking, employing kitchen thinking strategies involves redirecting the conversation to the current issue and actively seeking a resolution without getting bogged down by past conflicts.
Practical Strategies for Implementing Kitchen Thinking:
Stay Present: Practice mindfulness during conflicts by focusing on the present issue rather than dwelling on past grievances.
Validate Emotions: Acknowledge and validate your partner's feelings without minimizing or dismissing them, fostering a sense of emotional safety and understanding.
Use "I" Statements: Express thoughts and feelings using "I" statements to avoid accusatory language and encourage open dialogue.
Take Breaks: If emotions run high, take a temporary break from the conversation to cool off and regain perspective before returning to the discussion.
Get a Good Couples Therapist: Consider seeking couples therapy or counseling to develop healthier communication patterns and strengthen relational bonds. I can help with that.
Anxious Attachment and Negative Expectations…
Research by Simpson, Rholes, and Phillips (1996) delved into the cognitive processes underlying attachment-related behaviors, highlighting the role of accessibility and activation of attachment-related thoughts during interpersonal interactions.
Humans with anxious attachment tendencies are more likely to have negative expectations about relationships and themselves, which can color their interpretations of ambiguous or conflictual situations.
This negativity bias may contribute to the propensity for kitchen sinking, as past grievances are readily accessed and magnified in the heat of the moment.
Furthermore, the cyclical nature of attachment dynamics perpetuates the recurrence of kitchen sinking within relationships.
A study by Collins and Feeney (2000) examined the phenomenon of "attachment transfer," whereby individuals replicate patterns of interaction observed in their attachment relationships with caregivers in their adult romantic partnerships.
Consequently, humans who experience inconsistent or emotionally fraught caregiving may unconsciously recreate dynamics of conflict and insecurity within their intimate relationships, contributing to a cycle of escalating conflict and emotional distress.
In addition to attachment theory, social cognition and emotion regulation insights may shed light on the underlying mechanisms driving kitchen sinking behavior.
Anxious Attachment and cognitive bias…
Cognitive biases, such as selective attention to negative information and memory biases favoring recall of past conflicts, may amplify the salience of past grievances during conflicts (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Moreover, deficits in emotion regulation skills, commonly observed in individuals with anxious attachment, may hinder the ability to manage intense emotions during conflicts effectively, leading to the activation of maladaptive coping strategies like kitchen sinking (Berant et al., 2008).
Interventions grounded in attachment theory and emotion regulation have been developed to address the pervasive impact of kitchen sinking on relationship satisfaction and well-being.
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT), pioneered by Susan Johnson (2004), aims to restructure attachment bonds and foster secure emotional connections between partners by addressing underlying attachment needs and promoting adaptive communication patterns.
Similarly, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan (1993), offers skills-based interventions to enhance emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, empowering individuals to navigate conflicts constructively.
Final thoughts
Kitchen sinking represents a multifaceted interplay of attachment dynamics, cognitive processes, and emotion regulation within intimate relationships.
Couples can cultivate healthier communication patterns and foster greater relational satisfaction and resilience by understanding the underlying mechanisms driving kitchen-sinking behavior and addressing core attachment-related vulnerabilities. I can help with that.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Berant, E. (2009). Attachment styles, the Rorschach, and the Thematic Apperception Test: Using traditional projective measures to assess aspects of attachment. In J. H. Obegi & E. Berant (Eds.), Attachment theory and research in clinical work with adults (pp. 181–206). The Guilford Press.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Attachment (Vol. 1). Hogarth Press.
Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2000). A safe haven: An attachment theory perspective on support seeking and caregiving in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(6), 1053–1073.
Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.58.2.281
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Phillips, D. (1996). Conflict in close relationships: An attachment perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(5), 899–914. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.5.899
