What is an exit affair?

Friday, April 19, 2024.

An exit affair can be a tempting yet misguided attempt to untangle oneself from a marriage. It's like using a bulldozer to clear a cobweb—overkill, to say the least.

This type of affair is a dramatic, all-in-one move that combines elements of infidelity and divorce proceedings, leaving the unsuspecting partner feeling like they've been hit by a ton of bricks.

Exit affairs often stem from a long period of dissatisfaction brewing under the surface of what seemed like a happy marriage.

They typically come to a head after a significant event, like the kids leaving home or a sudden career change, shining a spotlight on unaddressed issues.

The partner having the exit affair usually feels unheard and unappreciated in the marriage. They've likely tried to address their concerns in the past, only to be met with indifference or resistance. So, they go dark, stop complaining, and bide their time until they can make their exit.

For the unsuspecting partner, the revelation of an exit affair can be devastating. It's like getting dumped and replaced in one fell swoop. The emotional toll is immense, and it's crucial for the hurt partner to seek support to navigate this challenging time.

In some cases, the partner having the exit affair may suggest couples therapy, not to save the marriage, but to "park" their soon-to-be-ex-partner with a therapist while they make their exit. This can feel like a cruel joke to the hurt partner, adding insult to injury.

Interestingly, exit affairs are often a cry for attention from the partner having the affair. They want their spouse to see how unhappy they are and agree to let them go. It's a complex dance of validation and separation, played out in the most painful way possible.

While exit affairs can be tempting, they are rarely the solution to marital problems.

They are inherently unstable and often lead to more pain and heartache in the long run. It's essential for both partners to carefully consider their motives and seek professional help if they want to salvage their marriage or part ways amicably.

Let's consider my clients, Mark and Sarah…

Mark is a successful media writer and producer in his early forties, and Sarah is a stay-at-home mom in her late thirties. They have been married for fifteen years and have two children.

For years, Mark and Sarah's marriage has been on autopilot.

They've fallen into a stale routine, focusing more on their careers and raising their kids than on each other. Sarah has felt increasingly lonely, unfulfilled, and resentful. She feels decidedly unchallenged in her role as a reluctant Traditional wife and is craving more emotional connection, intimacy, and engagement from Mark.

Meanwhile, Mark has been feeling stagnant in his marriage.

He loves Sarah and their children, but he's been grappling with feelings of inadequacy and a desire for excitement and validation outside of his family life. He starts working closely with a colleague, Emily, a new show-runner, and they develop a close friendship.

Emily is 7 years younger than Mark, single, and adventurous.

She admires Mark's success, and finds his attention flattering. She is untroubled by the fact that he is married and has two children, and flirts with him often.

As they spend more time together, their friendship turns into an emotional, and then a sexual affair. Mark feels alive and appreciated in a way he hasn't in years, and Emily provides an escape from the routine of his marriage.

Sarah, on the other hand, starts noticing subtle changes in Mark's behavior. He's more distant, less attentive, and often preoccupied with work. She tries to talk to him about her feelings, but he brushes her off, claiming he's just stressed and busy.

One day, Sarah discovers a text message on Mark's phone from Emily that is clearly more than just friendly.

She confronts Mark, and he admits to the emotional affair. Sarah is devastated, feeling betrayed and abandoned. She thought their marriage was solid, and now she feels like her whole world is falling apart.

Mark is torn. He loves Sarah and doesn't want to hurt her, but he also feels a deep connection with Emily that he absolutely can't deny.

She suggests couples therapy, hoping they can work through their issues and salvage their marriage, but Mark is unsure if he wants to remain in the marriage….

In this example, the exit affair is not just about seeking validation or excitement; it's also about Mark's internal struggle with his identity and desires. It highlights the complexities of human relationships and the profound emotional impact of infidelity.

Right now, I’m assessing if Discernment counseling might be appropriate. Their son Jacob is 7, and Jane is 5. I’d like them to have some say in this as well…

Final Thoughts

Exit affairs are complex and emotionally charged situations that often stem from deep-seated issues within a marriage.

They can have devastating effects on all parties involved, leaving behind a trail of hurt and betrayal.

It's crucial for partners considering an exit affair to carefully examine their motives and seek professional help if they feel their marriage is beyond repair.

While the temptation to seek solace outside the marriage may be strong, addressing underlying issues through honest communication and therapy is often the more constructive path toward healing and personal growth… your kids should be a consideration as well…

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.