What happens with parenthood, anyway?

Saturday, January 6, 2023.

It took American researchers decades to transcend deep cultural beliefs about the experience of new parents. We want to celebrate and honor young families, but the fact is that American culture doesn’t tend to support them very much.

Researchers, led by John Gottman, have described how parenthood invites many stressors into the lives of young parents, including lack of sleep, endless chores, and irritability, which sometimes leads to bickering.

All of these forces align to pressure parents and their relationship. However, most humans rise to the occasion.

Most couples remain committed to each other and satisfied with their relationships after having children, a study finds.

While the transition to parenthood is filled with internal and external stressors, like lack of sleep and endless chores, however, the majority of couples get through these stressors with their connection to each other intact.

The conclusions come from a study of over 200 couples who were tracked over more than a year as they had their first child.

Mr. Nathan Leonhardt, the study’s first author, explained the results:

“The clear majority (ok, 81%) of the 203 couples navigated the transition with high commitment and at least moderately high satisfaction.

And we learned that a huge differentiation as far as who ended up transitioning well were people that had good relationships going into this transition period.”

The study also found some factors that predicted the most successful transition to parenthood:

• More realistic expectations of the consequences of having kiddos.

• A feeling of shared personal growth.

• Believing that their spouse was committed to the marriage and family.

• And a strong bias for remaining emotionally connected to their partner.

Professor Emily Impett, study co-author, said:

“I think the focus on commitment as an outcome during the transition to parenthood is really important, and the take-home that most couples begin but remain highly committed over this life transition is a message that should be music to many couples’ ears.”

Many people believe that relationships suffer enduring the stresses of new parenthood, but Mr. Leonhardt sees this as needlessly pessimistic:

“I like being able to point out exceptions to the norm, to ‘myth bust’ a little bit.

So with something like the transition to parenthood, I wanted to be able to see if we could break some of the common narratives and give people a little bit more hope.”

Kiddos won’t save you…

However, parents should not expect having kids to save their marriage, Mr. Leonhardt said:

“As a general rule, if things aren’t going well in your relationship, adding another person to this family probably isn’t the thing that you should be doing to try to resolve any relationship problems that you have.”

Mr. Leonhardt is fascinated by marriages and how they affect our lives:

“If you were to ask somebody about the best and worst experiences they’ve had in their lives, there’s a high percentage of experiences that would have something to do with their relationship.

It’s just such an integral part of who we are as human beings and how we come to understand ourselves, and what’s ultimately most important to us in our lives.”

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Leonhardt, N. D., Rosen, N. O., Dawson, S. J., Kim, J. J., Johnson, M. D., & Impett, E. A. (2022). Relationship satisfaction and commitment in the transition to parenthood: A couple-centered approach. Journal of Marriage and Family, 84(1), 80–100. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12785