What Are Surrogate Families?
Sunday, February 2, 2025.
In a strange time where traditional family structures are shifting, many people are turning to an unexpected source for connection—social media.
From Facebook groups to TikTok communities, some are seeking and forming surrogate families, filling the emotional gaps left by estrangement, distance, or the loss of loved ones.
While this may sound like a plot from a futuristic novel, the reality is that online surrogate families are emerging as a profoundly human response to modern isolation.
Why Are Surrogate Families Becoming Popular?
The rise of surrogate families can be attributed to multiple social shifts.
Increasing rates of bio-family estrangement, geographic mobility, and changing societal norms about relationships have all played a role. Studies suggest that nearly 27% of American adults are estranged from at least one immediate family member (Coleman, 2021).
Parent-child estrangement has become a particularly common issue in the U.S., fueled by generational conflicts, ideological divides, and shifting expectations about family loyalty (Gillies, 2020).
While social media is often blamed for widening these rifts, it also serves as a tool for rebuilding family-like connections.
Platforms like Facebook and Reddit have become spaces where some folks seek, and found “family”—people who step into the roles traditionally occupied by biological relatives.
Surrogate Grandparents: A New Take on an Old Role
One of the most well-known manifestations of this trend is Surrogate Grandparents USA, a Facebook group where older adults and younger families form intergenerational bonds. Founded by Donna Skora in 2015, the group now has thousands of members across the country. Posts often read like personal ads for companionship:
“One lonely grandma here. I would love to share affection and attention with a nearby family.”
“We’re looking for grandparents who want to have pizza nights with us, attend baseball games, and just have fun with our kids.”
These posts reflect a genuine longing for connection, one that traditional social structures no longer seem to meet (Murgia, 2023). Unlike formal mentoring or volunteering programs, surrogate family arrangements offer flexibility and emotional depth, mimicking the natural bonds of kinship.
The Emotional Benefits of Surrogate Families
Research consistently shows that strong social ties contribute to better mental and physical health (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).
Surrogate families provide companionship, reduce loneliness, and create new opportunities for shared joy. For folks who have experienced family estrangement, these relationships can help heal emotional wounds and restore a sense of belonging.
One such story is that of Karen Tautges Malinak, a 58-year-old from Minnesota, who became estranged from her biological daughters.
Seeking meaningful connections, she turned to Surrogate Grandparents USA, where she “adopted” several families and found joy in bonding with their children (Murgia, 2023). While these relationships are unconventional, they offer real emotional fulfillment and demonstrate how digital platforms can bridge interpersonal gaps.
Potential Pitfalls and Challenges
Of course, surrogate family relationships come with their own set of challenges.
Just like any family dynamic, mismatched expectations, boundary-setting issues, and emotional disappointments can arise.
Some participants struggle with feelings of insecurity, wondering if the relationships are truly reciprocal or just a temporary convenience.
Additionally, while online communities can create opportunities, they are not a replacement for in-person interaction.
The depth of these bonds depends on consistent engagement and mutual effort (Blieszner, 2019).
Despite these concerns, the majority of participants report positive experiences, suggesting that, with the right approach, surrogate families can be a meaningful alternative to traditional kinship structures.
A New Definition of Family?
Ultimately, the emergence of surrogate families reflects a profound shift in how we define family in the modern world. Increasingly, people are realizing that family isn’t just about shared DNA—it’s about shared love, care, and commitment.
Kurt Vonnegut once wrote, “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be”(Vonnegut, 1961). In a digital age where relationships are often filtered through screens, the sincerity of surrogate families is a refreshing counterpoint.
These connections remind us that no matter how fragmented our world becomes, we can still choose to build meaningful relationships—sometimes in the most unexpected places.
Vonnegut often spoke of the elusiveness of family:
“A husband, a wife and some kids is not a family. It’s a terribly vulnerable survival unit.
I met a man in Nigeria one time, an Ibo who had six hundred relatives he knew quite well. His wife had just had a baby, the best possible news in any extended family.
They were going to take it to meet all its relatives, Ibos of all ages and sizes and shapes.It would even meet other babies, cousins not much older than it was. Everybody who was big enough and steady enough was going to get to hold it, cuddle it, gurgle to it, and say how pretty or how handsome it was.
Wouldn’t you have loved to be that baby?”―Kurt Vonnegut Jr.,A Man Without a Country
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Blieszner, R. (2019). Intergenerational relationships and aging: The evolving role of non-biological family bonds. Journal of Aging Studies, 49(2), 23-34. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaging.2019.04.002
Coleman, J. (2021). Rules of estrangement: Why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict. Avery Publishing.
Gillies, V. (2020). Family and intimate relationships in a digital age. Routledge.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2015). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(3), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Murgia, M. (2023). Are you lonely? Adopt a new family on Facebook today. Wired. https://www.wired.com/story/are-you-lonely-adopt-a-new-family-on-facebook-today
Vonnegut, K. (1961). Mother night. Harper & Row.